crazy

expectations

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 10 Comments

Often times in life we have so many expectations placed on us.

It seems like they are there daily to keep you on your course or drive you out of your mind.

I know I place expectations on myself.

I often wonder if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough.

I know that others have expectations of me and I know that I let them down sometimes.

I hate letting people down.

Some matter more than other, but to me, they all matter to varying degrees.

I love being told I should raise or lower my expectations.

Please tell me about the how and why I should!

For general things, movies, going out in public, etc. I have placed lower expectations so that when I have a pleasant experience I am often surprised and happy that they met and exceeded my original expectation.

With people I place a higher expectation. Though I realize it is not more than I place on myself.

We all have quirks, issues and faults.

It isn’t about that.

More of the basic human decency to communicate, respect and not take each other for granted.

Lately I am finding that many friends and family have gone above and beyond when it comes to me and my own expectations.

I am constantly amazed when someone tells me I inspired them or I performed much better than anticipated.

I recently found myself facing the first time of not being able to meet a deadline. I physically could not do it.

One of my fabulous friends stepped up to the plate and just offered, no strings, to help me.

This is how my friends and I are. We just step in and help.

I can’t tell you how much this meant to me.

Another friend knew I was upset about having to go for a medical procedure and offered, again, to take off work and to the appointment. She had just done it and was offering to ask off again to take little old me downtown again and wait while I have the procedure done. She will then take me back to another mutual friend’s home where I will recover for the day.

These people don’t have to do these things for me.

I do not expect it.

Yet they show me they care by stepping up and going beyond “the basics”.

I am so blessed to be around folks like this the majority of the time.

I must say when I collect my friends, I only collect the best!

Have a fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

 

Happy Birthday to My Sister from another mister!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 8 Comments

Sometimes in this life we get lucky.

We meet a friend who is so rare that we become friends with them as children and are able to carry that friendship through the years.

We make it through puberty, marriage, kids, moves, divorce, family craziness, friends together with others and even deaths.

If we are very, very fortunate that person becomes family to us.

Today I celebrate my sister from another mister!

Since I change all names to protect the innocent and insane alike I just have to say that one is hard because I want the world to know how my sister has literally saved my life in the over 35 years we have known each other.

I will call her Peevley because yes, there is an inside joke to that, but it makes me laugh every time I type it!

Some of you may can remember the song “Our house in the middle of our street”, well those words anyway. If you can’t then just go with it!

Our houses were right across the street from each other.

We literally could and would meet in the street and go to each other’s homes.

She is two years older than me but we are both about 20 in our minds so it all works out!

We tell people we share a memory and it’s actually true.

Parts of her childhood were not pleasant, so when she took protective measures to move on with her life, she blocked out more than just the bad parts.

So she has big Swiss cheese size holes in parts of her memory and I supply the information back to her.

It can really suck having such a good memory at times, especially when you have seen things you wish you could un-see but it’s there because that “steel trap” metaphor is for real in my world.

And yes, sometimes I make up stuff to “remind” her and usually get called on it. Most of the time!

Her “biological” parents and brother are no longer in our lives.

We just say we are twins and my family claims her.

Though we look Nothing alike, we do tell folks we are twins and amazingly many people believe us.

We are about the same height, no matter what she says about being taller, but that would be where the similarities end on the looks.

I have dark hair and olive skin and she has red hair and glowy white see through skin.

You see why I question those who think we’re twins?!

Not to mention our body parts are different sizes, her waist is smaller while I will never know the joy of the junk in the trunk comments she gets!

I tan and she burns turning red with green freckles.

We know when the other one is mad or upset sometimes by just a feeling.

Example, one of us feels strange and calls the other.

First question is “What is it?” Then the other proceeds to go on rant or explain what is getting to them.

No questions of “how did you know” we just know.

I know twins who have this and close sisters but we aren’t blood related.

She isn’t the only one I am this way with.

For the most part, we have a lot of the same friends.

However, we both have friends we will ask, “Please explain again why we like that person?” but will respect each other’s choices and reasons.

We don’t need nor do we “seek approval” we merely ask for advice and automatically accept each other for who we are.

We don’t have to like the decisions, actions or words of the other but we always accept and love each other no matter what.

I can’t imagine my life without her.

She lives nearly 13 hours away now and we still talk weekly and see each other at least once a year.

She was blessed to find her happily ever after when we were young, ok I know I am younger but she still wasn’t able to legally drink when she married “the boss”!

We are a part of each other and our families are so intertwined you need an index, compass and subscriptions to Psycho Weekly and National Geographic just to keep up!

We raised her kids and now mine.

It’s freaky really that my son could be her grandchild!

Her son is the eldest of our kids at like 27. If he is any older my mind can’t think of that right now as I remember when she was pregnant with him!

Our only girl is 25ish and of course the youngest boy turns 5 this year.

See what I mean by he could be the age of a grandchild if she had one?!

And she knows I am just messing with her by writing that!

Seriously, we have talked each other down off the proverbial cliff, listened, held hands, wiped tears and puke for each other.

I truly would give her a kidney if needed.

One of our “sharable” stories from the years was when we were teens, about 15 & 17, we snuck out of her house and met her boyfriend, also my good friend, and rode around until we could meet my boyfriend.

We met back up later, snuck back into her house and thought we were so cool and had gotten away with it.

Except we grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew everyone and everyone watched each other’s kids.

We were so busy sneaking out and then back in that we failed to note our neighbors, who had been at midnight mass, in their driveway with a direct view to the window we climbed out of.

Of course they told our parents.

They all met at the local Burger King to plot our death over coffee!

Both her and my parents had been taping our phone calls.

BUSTED.

We both got a whopping and severely grounded for several months.

We were not “allowed” to “play together” for that summer, however, when school started back up I was allowed to ride with her to school and we had to come straight home and check in!

Never once did it cross our minds to “no longer be friends”.

If anything it was one of the many things that brought us closer.

Fast forward about 20 years and her husband was deployed to a warzone as he was in the Army Reserves.

This was his second deployment and their kids were now teens.

I thought nothing of driving up to be with her and the kids over the winter break.

Just as I would have it no other way to go back 6 months later when he returned and we held a celebration for his safe return.

Being so far apart makes life so challenging when you can just drive over, sit down with your friend and share time talking face to face.

But Peevley and I can just pick up the phone and we are right where we need to be.

I have made and collected so many friends in my life, but I was lucky to find and keep my Peevley this long.

We both make the effort to keep in touch and talk whether phone, text or emails. And, of course, the occasional SnapChat!

If we go more than a week without talking, which happens due to schedules, families and living in different time zones, we get weirded out and have to call just to “hear you irritatingly lovely voice” as we like to say.

Really it’s a sanity check for us both.

Without her I know I would be lost.

So to my sister, Thank You.

Thank you for always being there for me, for believing in me and staying with me even when it was hard, and I know it was at times!

You are the Best Sister, Friend, co-conspirator and woman I am privileged to share my life with!

Happy Birthday Peevley!

I love you!

From birth to earth my steel magnolia sister!

Have a Fabulously Graceless Wednesday!

me n peevleey

Please, tell me how I should “feel”

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

As everyone is aware, or at least the majority of folks, there is a lot going on in the world today.

Here in the good old USA, we have so much happening and watching the news can be depressing.

Recently, with the latest shooting, I was watching the newscast with a friend and we were discussing how horrible it was, wondering if the boy was mentally ill or a young man who got caught up in hate and “lost it”.

Several news reporters used the phrase, “We are trying to report how you should feel” regarding the shootings.

Really.

You want to tell me, and millions of viewers, how to feel about this situation?

Do you know me and my friends? Do you know all of those millions you try to delude?

I know that my friends and I have had varying feelings from shock, to anger, to disgust and just shaking our heads that yet another mass shooting had occurred by one of our own on American soil.

I have been stewing on this one for almost a week now, reading different opinions and reports.

Reading all that I can regarding this barely legal young man and, in my opinion, not only the hate crime that he committed but the domestic terrorism as well.

I have not seen where he has been charged with domestic terrorism.

To me that is odd because that is what he did.

He terrorized innocent people on American soil.

At a historic church no less and at a Bible study.

True peaceful human beings.

He sat with them for “close” to an hour, accounts vary on time but all say nearly an hour or more, then pulled out his gun and shot them. Reloaded and kept shooting.

Calculated, cold blooded murder.

I cannot imagine those in that room how they felt.

The terror. The confusion. The shock.

To be in a place of peace and be gunned down like an animal has got to be one of the worst feelings.

I know I cannot imagine nor would I disrespect those who have gone through this tragedy by trying to do so.

Losing you loved ones in front of you and having to play dead.

Thinking your loved one was just going to bible study and will be coming back home and they never make it.

I cannot fathom that kind of pain.

So to be told by the media that they were “working to report how we should feel in the wake of this shooting” is callous and disrespectful of the victims and their families.

It is disrespectful to the viewers.

Everyone reacts differently to situations.

Being told “how to feel” makes me feel very Orwellian.

And a bit creepy.

For me, my heart and prayers go out to the victims, their families and everyone dealing with this situation.

Also to the shooter’s family.

Again I can’t imagine it.

As to how I feel, I feel like I wish I could take away this pain, this hate, this obsession people have with harming others.

I don’t need the media to dissect my feeling or tell me how I should feel.

Believe me I feel.

Have a fabulous Tuesday my graceless friends!

“My mind is frozen and it got ice in it”

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 11 Comments

Lately I have been exhausted.

I mean it’s been crazy hectic and I am struggling to meet dates, deadlines, life lines and all kinds of things for people and myself.

Of course there is always conflict, I mean this is life so I expect a certain amount.

But sometimes I am just ready to scream and yell and basically have a tantrum like a toddler.

I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family to talk to, rant to, or just be there and say nothing but know they are there.

I am also blessed, lucky or whatever you want to call it to have my boy.

He makes me laugh and reminds me to be real without even realizing what he does.

I was asking him why he wasn’t paying attention to me, again, and reminded him of the consequences of his actions if he did not follow through on his promises and actions.

He turned to me so very serious and said, “Mommy, I’m sorry. I think my mind is frozen and it got ice in it. That’s why I wasn’t paying ‘tention to you and I’m sorry.”

He was so genuine and I tried to hold back my laughter at his very honest statement.

I got to thinking, maybe that’s what’s going on with myself and so many others.

Our brains get frozen and gets ice in it so we aren’t paying attention to what needs to be done.

I think I may be a tiny bit sleep deprived and have some discomfort (next week’s procedure can’t come soon enough I tell you – read “Mis-Procedure” if you really want to know what I am referring to) but I feel like my brain gets frozen and I can’t accomplish everything I need to because the ice sticks to it and I get zoned in on something so completely off track!

Wow!

I do sound like a crazy person… goooooo me!

I do think it’s true that out of the mouths of babes we hear the truth of things.

Kids do not hold back on how they feel and their opinions of life in general.

They do not judge unless you teach them to judge.

They just say whatever is on their mind.

We have to teach them how to filter it.

Since this has been an ongoing lesson in my household, filtering as well as discretion, the boy asked me if he said something wrong.

He knew I was amused by his response but he also knew he had not being doing as told.

I told him that I was proud of him for acknowledging that he wasn’t paying attention and that the way he said it was just funny to me because it was so very true.

He then said, “Lots of people walk around with frozen brains and their not even zombies! I don’t think their mommies tell them to pay attention enough and they can’t shake the ice out!”

At this I just began laughing hysterically.

He started giggling and then told me he was “on my side like nationwide. Cause you know, they’re on your side!”

And that is a perfect ending to a challenging day!

I hope you all have a fabulous Tuesday my friends!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Family Dynamics

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 7 Comments

I have been rolling this topic around in my mind knowing that if I chose to write about it I would probably have to be very cautious because I do not really want to offend folks.

Everyone has different family dynamics and often times, the “family” is not blood relations, but people that we chose as family in addition, or replacing, those kin folk we were born into.

My own original family was pretty basic.

Mother, father, daughter and son.

We had grandparents, great-grandparents, uncle, aunt, cousin, and many great aunts, great-uncles and cousins.

I have one son as does my brother.

I think they are “trying” for more children, well maybe one more, but my baby making days are done.

It’s sad sometimes to think I can’t have anymore and add to our family legacy, but also it can be a relief to not have to worry with it. If I get all crazy and want another child, I can adopt!

We are all pretty close, even though I don’t get to see my uncle, aunt and cousin and some family often as I would like as distance does separate us and schedules can be hard to coordinate. It doesn’t mean I don’t think of them often and still miss them.

I am close with my mom, brother and sister-in-law and we all live within 20 or so miles from each other so we do gather together on a semi-regular basis.

My son calls his cousin his “baby brother” since he is the eldest. They are the same age apart as my brother and I which is 3 ½ years.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of cousins and relatives I never see. I do not even know where some of them live or if they are still living.

It isn’t, that I know of, because of a family feud, but due to circumstance of just not being in each other’s life and growing apart.

My father’s father had one sister and she didn’t have children.

His mother was one of 12 children so I do have lots of cousins on that side.

My mother’s father had 2 sisters as did her mother.

I do see some of my cousins from one side but not the other.

I do not know anyone that doesn’t have some type of family drama somewhere in their trees!

They may not tell you or bring it out in the open, but I guarantee someone in everyone’s family has some type of drama!

Growing up I was fortunate I had 2 sets of grandparents and 3 great-grandmothers. It wasn’t until I was older and learned that not everyone has that family and not everyone was close to family they did have.

I am so fortunate to have so many cousins scattered around that I still am in touch with!

Though I wish I could see them more and spend time with them I am grateful for the opportunity to still be in contact, or reconnect with them.

I will admit there are a few that I have no idea what has happened to them nor does anyone else.

One cousin seems to have dropped off the face of the planet. Seriously.

It seems at times the only time I ever even see certain relatives is at weddings and funerals.

That’s pretty sad when you think about it but also, it may not be by your choice, but theirs or another relative.

I am fascinated with family dynamics.

I have friends who are twins who have an older brother.

Their parents divorced and their father remarried.

They have not only half brothers and sisters from them, but also found out their father spread his seed a bit more and have many half brothers and sisters.

I must say they have taken it quite well to find out they have half siblings the same age as them and to, for the most part, get to know several of them.

I can’t imagine finding other siblings when I was older and how I would react to that!

I have worked in assisted livings and as a caregiver for families.

It is so interesting to see who steps up during a medical crisis and who is nowhere to be found.

I know in my own family, no matter what is going on or who is not happy with each other, when a medical crisis arises, we are all there.

For me I could not imagine Not being there.

But I have realized throughout this life not everyone feels the same.

One lady I used to care for, “Miss Jane” (*names changed to protect the living), had 3 children. I never saw the children who lived in town but every few months. Then for only a brief period of time.

However her son who had moved to another country, would make the trek yearly to visit his mother and stayed at least a month. The majority of his time would be spent with his mother.

This lady had other relatives, however, during her life she wasn’t always so nice. She was diagnosed with dementia and after her husband died, was placed in an assisted living facility.

This was where I met her as I worked at the facility.

I met so many people whose family dynamics were fascinating to me to watch.

At times, it was also very sad as in the case of Miss Jane.

Here was a lady who had wealth beyond comprehension and yet her only visitors was a few times a year with random family coming to visit.

Only her one son who lived thousands of miles away came with any regularity and that was just once a year.

Another lady, “Miss Carmen”, had no children and only a niece. She had moved from Florida so her niece could care for her at our facility.

Her niece, Betty, came several times a week and always worried when she would go out of town that Carmen would need something and she wouldn’t be there.

Here Betty was worrying about how Carmen would miss her, knowing she had dementia and that prior to her moving her close did not see her aunt regularly due to distance but always talked on the phone.

She cared enough to go to her home when Carmen’s husband died and pay attention to her situation to see that she needed to step in and help.

And Jane’s “guardians” would have to be contacted when she needed new clothes because they didn’t see her on a regular basis.

Of course now we have instant access to the internet and being able to call, text or send a message on Facebook to get in touch with relatives far and wide.

However I still have to look at Jane and Carmen.

In my humble opinion, it seems that once some people get older, or aren’t as “nice” all the time, family members and even friends just stop coming around.

I did find out in Miss Jane’s case there were many friends who didn’t know where she was.

The two children who lived closer made a decision to not tell anyone because of her “condition”. Her son who lived far away rectified that after a visit and I was happy to see her have visitors.

We are all human and need the companionship and touch of others.

It does make a difference.

I understand some people chose to cut themselves off from their family and friends.

That is their choice.

But for so many, that choice is taken from them in many different ways due to their family dynamics.

I guess you can call me lucky and blessed because in my own life, I have not only my family, but a large collection of friends as well.

I know that they can send out an SOS and if I can’t be there in person, I am there for them in spirit and let them know.

Because if you don’t let people know you’re thinking about them, you care and you will do whatever you are able to do they don’t know that for sure.

You can’t assume they know.

You have to tell them.

So reach out to that random family member/friend that’s been on your mind.

Call, text, email, send a message to them just do it.

We never know how much time we have left.

We never know if that brief “hello I miss you” may be what they need to get through their day.

Always Keep Hope Alive.

I hope you all have a fabulously graceless Monday my friends!

 

Father’s Day 2015

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

fathers day

As I was thinking of what to write for my Sunday post I realized that today is Father’s Day.

For me this is a hard day to get through as my own daddy passed away in February of last year with stage 4 kidney cancer.

Our family was with him when he passed and that is something to be thankful for.

I was blessed to have him in my life for 43 years.

I was a “daddy’s girl”. I guess I always will be.

I am the eldest child and my brother is 3 ½ years younger than me.

I was always the rebel and the one who paved the way for him to be the “golden child” haha

My brother and I are very close and I know that on that account, I am lucky.

Father’s Day is bittersweet for him as well.

Two months after my daddy passed away my nephew was born and he became a father.

I remember walking into the hospital room seeing my little bro holding his newborn son and bursting into tears as I felt like I was in a magical place.

I was seeing a photo in my mind of our father holding me with the same look of pure love I was now seeing on the face of my brother.

Like father like son.

My own son was blessed to have known his “Pops”.

He still talks about him, misses him and promises he will tell his cousin all about Pops and how great he is.

I said “is” because that is how we keep him alive is by talking about him.

We aren’t obsessed with making sure he is in our conversations daily, however I know that a single day doesn’t go by without me thinking about him and I know my mom and brother feel the same.

My parents were married for 45 years.

A true until death us do part.

Our house was not “Leave it to Beaver” bliss but then there was Always love, even in the best and worst of times.

My daddy was ALWAYS there for me and so many others whenever needed.

He had more patience than anyone I know.

I know when he was younger he had a temper, he often told me about it and I heard stories from family and friends.

However he realized very young that a bad temper would get you nowhere and being calm even in a storm was the better way to move through life.

Often times when someone passes we tend to canonize them and make them more “saintly” than when they were living.

I can say that isn’t the case with my father.

My daddy was a well known and loved respected business man.

He knew and met people from all around the world.

The love and light he cast out to family, friends and strangers was astounding.

When he died, after the funeral, which was massive, there was a reporter from the local paper there to do an article on him.

I couldn’t find the words to describe the man who is my father.

Understanding, strong, loving, caring, compassionate, believed in equality for all humans, was the Yoda of golf, hunting and fishing, always there, never judging, always thought before he spoke knowing his words were taken to heart.

How do you really convey that?

I have said many times I do not like crowds.

I am pretty weird about it nor am I going to draw attention to myself.

However when daddy died I had made him a promise.

I keep my promises.

I sang “Amazing Grace” a Capella at his funeral.

There were hundreds of people there but I sang for him and my family as they knew it was his favorite and I would sing it for him.

I completely zoned out and saw him there smiling as he always did while I sang my heart out with tears streaming down my face.

I didn’t care about if I was off key or looked strange.

I only cared that my daddy knew how much I loved him so I sang to him.

This will be my second Father’s Day without my daddy “here” with me.

I know I will shed tears.

I know I will sing his song out loud.

I know that many of my friends and family members are also thinking of their fathers, grandfathers, brothers, uncles and friends who are no longer with us.

I know I do.

But I also know my daddy would want me to remember those who are still here too.

So to all of the fathers out there, and mothers who are both mom and dad, I send out a Happy Father’s Day to you!

I hope you all have a fabulous Sunday!

I am including one of my all-time favorite photos of my son and my daddy.

It means the world to me.

It’s my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 33 Comments

It can sometimes be hard for me to get to sleep.

I am always thinking of all of the things I need to do, people I should call, projects I should get done.

I do decent, I would guess, on judging myself about getting things done.

I try to set a schedule and follow it. I make sure I am flexible.

I love that dude Murphy of Murphy’s law because I know he sets out to wreak havoc on my life at times.

I have to even admit sometimes I have no choice but to laugh or I would run screaming and never, ever stop.

I try to plan when I am going out of town or doing something outside of my day to day normal life.

Take for example earlier this week.

I had started a new job and was getting into the grove of it.

This means the boy must also get into my new grove and fortunately it doesn’t affect him too greatly and we go along smoothly.

Monday and Tuesday go well so we are heading into Wednesday where I have plans to travel and he will go to school and then to this grandparents after and I will go take care of my business.

All I can say looking back is thank God I was off Wednesday because I so would have had to have called in after my early morning wake up.

I’m not sure why it is when something dramatic happens, it seems to happen when I am in full on REM mode and getting much needed sleep.

Through my sleep filled senses I think I hear “Mommy” but surely that can’t be happening because it is dark out and why am I feeling some kind of wetness on me that I know isn’t a night sweat and it’s kind of thick?

Is this a nightmare?

Then I hear the “sound” all parents know.

The one that you immediately jump up asleep or not because that means something disgusting is happening to your child, and you don’t want to be in the line of fire.

Yes, the dreaded puking in the bed.

Let me just say my child drinks a lot of milk and the last thing that went down is the first to come up.

It was like I was in a waking nightmare.

It was heinous.

It was on me.

I rushed to turn the light on and make sure he was ok when I looked into the mirror.

And I froze.

I look like I had on a milk mask that had splattered.

And I couldn’t breathe deep or that could go very poorly.

So I grabbed towels and washrags out from under the sink and proceed to wipe myself down when the boy says. “Mommy I got throw up on me. Oh hey you got a lot on you too that’s funny.”

And I am happy he’s ok and not still sick but I want to go “Really kid?! Cause this can’t be real!”

But I know that it is.

And it is my life.

I wouldn’t change it for the world because for every bad, gross, icky moment there are 20 more that are happy, funny, full of love and so much better.

So yeah, this is my life.

I just wish he would have aimed for the floor instead of me.

He will learn eventually.

After all when he got sick later, after I had stripped us, the bed and cleaned up and moved us to another room, he got sick in the bucket by the bed.

Bless him!

I wouldn’t change a thing because it wouldn’t be my life otherwise.

Be glad this didn’t happen to you.

If it did, I am so sorry but at least you aren’t alone!

Happy Saturday My Fabulous Friends.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Mis-Procedure

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 14 Comments

Everyone has their bad days.

Unfortunately sometimes someone else’s bad days overlap your day in some ways, and then it becomes a part of your day so you get a bit of a bad day, depending on how you look at it.

I usually roll with the flow, because really, I don’t have much choice when life just happens while my plan is in motion.

Not to say that it doesn’t irritate or make me angry but when a situation is out of your control, you just can either deal with it calmly or get all angry and scream and yell. It’s not that you aren’t angry about it, but it is how you handle it.

Today was one of those days for me in a kind of big way, however I was able to hang with my girls so I was able to find the humor and laugh about it but I am still kind of irritated.

I went to have a procedure done on my back.

I have been going to the same doctor for over 8 years so I KNOW the majority of the staff including the director, doctors, nurses, offices manager, etc.

I was going in for a more intense procedure I can only have done every 6 months, but it helps my mobility so well that it is worth it. I have to take a full day to recover, more so than my “maintenance” procedures that I have done intermittently throughout the year.

I do certain stretches and exercises to make it easier on myself but I am truly graceless and end up overdoing something, pulling something or falling down on a somewhat regular basis.

It’s my life.

I own it!

After I “came to” in recovery I was talking to the nurse and said, “You know I don’t hurt like I usually do after that procedure, you know how it feels like you’re more beat up in the back, doc has the gift.”

At this point she is looking at me with a type of concern on her face and gets another more senior nurse who I just love over to me. I will call her “Steph” because I talk to her a lot! Steph and “Julie” are my favorites I can’t help it!

“What do you think you had done?”

“You know the nerve burn thingy we can only do every 6 months. Why? Oh come on really guys is this a joke?”

They have been known to prank me because like I said I have gone there so long once one of the doctors came out when I was regaining consciousness and said, “Ready to go back and get started?” laughing at me so I thought I they were messing with me again.

Sadly they were not!

It seems even though we had talked about it, I made the appointment for it, my insurance approved it, and somehow they did the “maintenance” nerve blocks and epidural.

I was kind of pissed really.

I mean I have to take time off, make sure the boy is taken care of, get a ride to and from, because obviously I can’t drive myself for a procedure where yes, they knock me out with the Michael Jackson drug propofol, and I do Not want to be awake when they stick needles in my spine because I have done it and it is JUST PLAIN WRONG!

Which is why I have been with this group because they aren’t a pill mill, medieval or quack doctors by a long stretch.

When my dad was going through cancer treatment I talked to Dr. T for a long time about dads treatments, when I was supposed to be doing my customary office visit. We talked about my health issues and more. He is super compassionate and caring and just a good guy. We talk about our families and kids.

Just today we were talking about the boy and how he can’t believe he will be 5 soon as he remembers treating me before, during and after I had said child.

A few minutes after I came out and am eating my snack, Julie comes over and asks me how I feel.

I laughed and said, “Well I guess I will see you sooner than I thought since I get to come back and then he will make be better. By the way no pain or bruising with the IV because you and Steph rock!”

I am on heavy medication, please note this, because hopefully all of this is making sense!

She immediately walked over to Steph, who is stressed and on the phone.

I also want to say I had asked nurse #1 for pen and paper so I could write my web address down for them to visit my blog so if they are reading this MY Nurses ROCK!

Seriously I love this group!

Always will even in spite of this crazy day.

Maybe the meds are still working!

Steph comes back and tells me it was a mistake make in the office, yep knew that! And that I can come back and they will work me in and of course today is no charge.

This means so much to me as everyone knows insurance only pays so much and the facility can choose to make you pay if they wanted to. I am already on a payment plan with them because healthcare is expensive and it means a lot to me to have a medical facility work with you on payments. They know my life as I share with them if I can pay more or if I can’t. Newbies always get the director and I think he’s a great guy. Some people day he can seem like a jerk but he’s really cool and just doing his job. We end up talking about life and world events so it’s always enjoyable to chat with him!

So once again I will get to travel to my doctor as him and his colleagues are some of the best in the business and every doctor I go to (female, doc in box, general practice, ENT), I always tell them who I go to and what for, what I may be prescribed. I am always told, and they do research, this group is well respected in the medical community.

So while I get to come back in two weeks, it means I get to fight the irritating traffic but I get to see my friends again.

And I will Finally get the full relief I Need for my spine.

I guess I will file this under acceptance with a dash of happiness and sweep the irritation away as there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

Might as well keep hope alive and find he humor!

I am just looking forward to a weekend with friends laughing until I snort and cry most likely. Actually more because these folks make me laugh every time I am around them and I know I am lucky!

And that one friend who will most likely make me laugh so hard I wet myself!

All in all I’d say it’s been a good day!

Have a Fabulously Graceless Friday My Friends!

And a special shout out to ALL my girls, my nurses, friends and my doctors!

You all are Fabulous Human Beings!

Glad we are on this beautiful orb together!

Be Yourself

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

Be yourself

How many times have you heard that said? Be Yourself.

We teach it and preach it to our kids and anyone else that will listen.

Be tolerant of others.

Show compassion.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

Yet more and more I see so many adults judging others going against what they “teach” their children and say in front of others.

They tell them to be kind, to share, to not bully.

Yet they do the exact thing they teach against if it goes against their “beliefs” or “way of thinking”.

This is something I think of quite often as the mother of a 4 almost 5 year old son.

I am blessed to have so many friends! I have friends of all ages and walks of life. I have friends from many different ethnic backgrounds, friends who practice different religions and friends who are gay, lesbian, Trans & bi.

Am I supposed to tell him that the ones who don’t look or act like the majority of people he is around are wrong or their life means less than his?

Am I expected to lie and tell him “it’s wrong” when I don’t see it as wrong but much of society does?

I am supposed to “hide” him from those who are different than he is by keeping him sheltered and home all of his young life, so that when he becomes a teenager or young adult he is appalled at the world and mad at me for not letting him know how life truly is?

Am I expected to tell him he can’t “be friends” with another human being because society doesn’t approve?

I Hope that’s not what’s expected of me because I WON’T DO IT.

I will not teach my son that any one person’s life matters over another. That someone is less than him because of their color, their beliefs, their gender or their personal preferences in whom they chose to love.

We hover over our children to protect them yet we do them more harm by tearing down another person for their beliefs and who they are as a human being.

When I tell him to be himself I want him to find who he is.

I don’t want to map his life out.

That isn’t my job as a parent.

My job is to love, nourish, protect, care, guide, teach and help him find out who he is and how to be the person he wants to be.

I know I am still in the some-what “easy” years before he reaches the age of understanding and sees for himself how the world really is, however I can still teach him compassion, caring, acceptance and how to value others.

Unfortunately the world will show him racism, hate, bullying along with a host of other things that scare the crap out of me.

If I do my job right, he will be able to navigate through that minefield and come out a better person.

I have never shared a link in a post before but I was researching some things and came across an article and video of how kids react to Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. #HatchKids

 bhttps://www.yahoo.com/parenting/watch-how-these-kids-react-to-caitlyn-jenner-121190485333.html

 If we are really, really lucky maybe by the time my son grows up, maybe the hate, fear and misunderstandings won’t be as bad.

After all, I always say Keep Hope Alive!

Happy Wednesday My Fabulously Graceless Friends!

 

Manual labor and the chic who forgot how it feels

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 8 Comments

Recently I agreed to clean an empty “small” garden home to help out an older gentleman who wanted to sell it as he no longer lived there. His son had moved out some time back he said, and I went over, we discussed pricing and I started the next day.  

First of all, I am so thankful he offered me more than I asked for!  

I was quoting him based on size, etc. knowing full well I would throw in some cleaning he didn’t mention because that’s how I am, and he was a single, older, gentleman who had come referred by a friend. I needed the money and he needed the help.  

Oh.My.Aching.Body.  

It’s not that I am not physically active. I have a 4 year old son and OCD. I am constantly on the move and cleaning, organizing and Running to catch him from numerous things. Trying to avoid as many doctor visits as possible!  

However, when I clean something, especially for someone else, I CLEAN It.  

I scrub and put my whole body into that scrub. I spray, scrub, wash, scrub and scrub some more. I become somewhat obsessed I admit.  

I will get bathrooms, kitchen, doors, laundry room, windows, floors, fans, floorboards Cleansed. 

I was thinking 4-5 hours maybe close to 6, broke down over 2 days, no problem. 

I did get it done in 2 days but it took 9 ½ hours! 

Yes I used muscles that I haven’t used in a long, long time. I had blisters on my hands. My spine, hips, back and booty feel like I went dancing for at least 10 hours solid.  

I wanted to crawl around but that is frowned upon in places and I can’t catch the boy crawling. Or just lying there.  

My son jumped into my arms earlier today and I struggled not to drop him and fall over.  

He asked me if I was “Ok mama? You seem shaky.” Very good observation young boy! I told him mommy had been working hard and her body was sore.  

He then asked if it was because I had cleaned the screened in porch yesterday. I had forgotten about that!  

That explained it!  

In addition to my house cleaning and new job duties (taking care of a lovely older lady who needs help in her home, including getting up and down), I had also cleaned a roughly 10 x 20 area top to bottom. And all the furniture – think Pollen build up from all season long. Nasty! OCD here it was bad!  

I do not mind cleaning and helping. I enjoy making money and helping family and friends clean. I am a freak, this I know.  

But I forgot that I am no longer a spring chicken and that my spine, for real, is not at its peak, and I am, in fact, having a procedure done later this week to burn those irritating nerves back there and get a spinal block and maybe something else my fabulous doctor will throw in. Because he feels sorry for me being all jacked up knowing how I live my life! And I do bend at the knees like I’m told Trust Me! I couldn’t do anything otherwise!  

I mean I go in every three months for maintenance! Seriously! 

Manual labor I can do, I just have to pace myself.  

To those who do it daily, my respect goes out to you!  

It is hard on a body!  

But I love it and of course I will be doing similar cleansings again… once my spine is fixed!

And that house I did? It is Cleansed! The owner said he hadn’t seen it that clean since he had been living there! Score for the gimpy girl!

 Have a Fabulously Graceless Tuesday my friends!

 Keep Hope Alive!