I can’t write and molly coddle any more… I just can’t


I open my mind and the feelings pour onto the page. I cannot stop my flow of thought any more than I can stop the wind or the rain.

I am tired, so very tired, of trying to censor my thoughts. I am completely done with hand holding and molly coddling because someone may “think” the wrong thing about what I am writing.

10 minutes, 10 days or ten years you may have known me but you do not know what I really mean from these thoughts. They are only what you perceive them to be. I could be exuberant of I could be cutting it all depends on what I am feeling and how it comes out from me.

You and yOu and yoU and YOU… all think that I speak of You. Yet it isn’t You, but yOu. Or is it yoU? Maybe YOU?

For me all that matters is being able to try and articulate my perceptions, thoughts and feelings.

It is a cleansing, a spewing, an emptying if you will. It is what I do and how I do it. I may try to bring you into my mind or I may leave it up for your interpretation. I may not even being saying anything more than random utter nonsense.

I may be writing for another, expressing their pain through my writing because they cannot and know I would never betray my confidences but yet their pain becomes my pain. Therefore I can only chose to get it out the best way I know how before it eats at my soul and takes root in the seeds of depression that have come of their cleansing.

For that is a part of who I am and how I tick, the taking on of the emotions and feelings of others. It is another layer of me. I can turn it down but I can never turn it off. I am not sure that I want to though at times I have thought about it. I was able to stop the dreams for a time, but I realized that a part of me was under nourished and withering by trying to suppress something that is in me, has always and will always be a part of me. Even if I don’t want it to be it is there. By denying it, I was denying my soul the nourishment from that source and making my mind more miserable. Slowly I let myself dream. I learned from myself and am still healing.

We do things to help others and are our own worst enemies because we don’t give ourselves the basic components of what we need to be us. We give our money, our time, our very selves to others yet we don’t take enough time to do some very basic things for ourselves, whatever that may be.

My choice to write a public blog and put it out there: to be loved, hated, criticized or ignored was a growth within me from years of cultivation of life experience of mine and others. For me it took a huge amount of faith in myself to believe I could do it. And I have done it and continue to do so.

As I slide towards the one year mark of blogging, I am learning more and more what I need to do as a blogger and a writer.

I need to stop worrying and molly coddling and hand holding and “what if” second guessing myself and what I write. Only then will I be able to be the best writer I can be. It isn’t just blogging, but in all aspects of my writing and my very existence.

So all of the you’s worrying, just stop. It isn’t worth it.

I’m working on me and healing my soul and sharing my thoughts, feelings, rants, poems, goofiness and sometimes even useful information.

Fabulous Gracelessness, Lady Maos, Crazy Mama that I am, I am still only human. I still have flaws. They are just a bit fabulous though.

I don’t plan to stop any time soon.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

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sometimes


Sometimes

Sometimes it seems so hard to just move. It’s hard to go on with a smile on my face acting as if I am doing fabulous. Though I think the matching baggage under my eyeballs tell a bit of the story. But only a tiny portion.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed about life. It isn’t always due to outside forces, but often from somewhere inside. Things I need to for myself and my sanity for me to be able to survive. Sometimes people don’t understand that and I get it.

Who am I kidding? I want to more than just survive, but also thrive in my life. I have so many things that are good in my life. The boy, people, situations and over all just fabulousness.

sometimes stand alone

I also have things that are somewhat beyond my control yet things that I do have some power in how they are handled. Of course other things that make me pause and think about the course my life is on currently. Where can I make improvements, what can I change to make things better, those kinds of things.

That is where sometimes the inability to move creeps in. I have so much to do, so many things I need to take care of and I get lost in some form of time suckage. I can watch children’s television programming, I can get lost in a book. Or I can just sleep, which is what I want to do the most of lately.

sometimes wrestle snuggle with deamons

I think today I am going to take one step at a time. This middle day of the work week, I am going to remember to stop and breathe. So often I go and go and go. Instead of stopping I seem to kick it up a notch. I know I need to slow down. No one can keep up at this pace. So I make myself stop.

Maybe we all need to slow down every once in a while so that we aren’t forced to stop. We just need to remember that.

For my own sanity, I will keep hope alive and get through this day. But I will give it my all while remembering to take it easy too. I can do this. I am the Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos.

 ST just not do anything

 

 

welcome to fabulous graceless repeat


Welcome to Fabulous Gracelessness!

*from the about me section and an oldie I will find the rest of the poem one day! It’s one of the side effects of writing for so many years and keeping it all stored in notebooks, a few published I can’t find either – makes me kind of crazy as I know they are in boxes in my house somewhere!

 Come right on in, you must find the time

Experience the chaos inside of my mind

Feel the joy, taste the fear

Timeless tales play here all year

No walls in front, no walls surround

Let yourself go and let your mind break down.

 FullSizeRender (1)

*artwork by Rev. Joe Attaway – “Fallen from Grace”

Keep Hope Alive!

Sometimes I just want to scream


silence scream

Sometimes I just want to scream.

I know that sometimes I feel that if I start I am unsure if I can stop.

It can be over nothing or something I have no control of, or the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

The scream starts in my core. I feel it traveling up my body and my mouth opens.

It falls out, faster, harder. It isn’t so much a scream as it is a roar.

Maybe it’s nothing related to anything else but it takes me hostage. I feel it inside eating me up and it needs release.

This scream.

This guttural primal sound that comes from within racking my body like blows from a whip and twisting me up so tight I might explode.

The release of the scream is my salvation.

The verbal sounds of my system overload.

It is soothing, calming even.

That is how it plays out in my mind.

In reality, it is silent.

Sometimes I don’t want to be rational, civil or calm. Sometimes I want to let it play out in reality like it plays out in my head.

Danger or not, I wonder how it would be?

Be careful holding things inside.

When you hold it in too long and then let it out damage can be done.

Adulting is something I sometimes really don’t want to do.

Keep hope alive.

Be fabulous.

Scream.

Lady Maos

 

 

 

What a fabulously strange trip it is!


road tripping

Sometimes you just need a road trip on this journey of life.

For me, I need to recharge and refuel and I love taking the boy with me when I can. Something about driving and the sound of the tires on the pavement, sometimes conversation or not, maybe a bit of music or at times even the silence just soothes us both. I love that he shares this with me as sometimes I need to just go. As he is an extension of me, I do love taking him and seeing life through his eyes.

life adventure helen keller

This weekend the boy and I are taking a mini road trip to visit my hos his aunties and the boy is beyond excited.

I mean the kid had a pretty fabulous Christmas break with family, fun, gifts, food, late nights, Star Wars and all kinds of great things that he has talked non-stop about since the holidays.

However, Monday I told him we were going to visit the aunties in the ATL and he about lost his mind! He has literally counted down the days and asked if tomorrow is the day. He is so geeked to go that Wednesday night when he went back to karate and they asked him what was one of the best things that happened over the holidays or what gift did you love or family time, etc. my child responds. “I’m going to see my auntie Juuuuudiiiii in Atlanta and it’s always a ParTeeeeee!!!!!” Parents looked over at me and I just smiled as I am trying to explain, in whispers, to his other grandmother what he was talking about.

In his excitement of going he shares bits and pieces of his thoughts with others. Like his mother, he may sound a little crazy. (Hey, I admit my crazy!)

Case in point, “Auntie Juuuuuudi’s house is like Disneyland. I never been there, to Disneyland, before but I know it’s way awesome so her house is like that! With lots of dogs and drums and movies and toys and food! They always play with me there. They like me over there. Yeah, it’s cause I’m cute too, but I love them and they love me. Plus Auntie Rex always gets me gifts and I love her and we stay at her house cause there’s too many puppies, like that song you sing mommy, at auntie Juuuudiiii’s and auntie Jodi will die if we stay there cause I may be stinky or like that phoid mary lady that brings death if the wind blows wrong. Auntie Rex has cute puppies but only 2 and she has tiny little things she lets me Touch!” That is all pretty much said in about 2 breaths and he’s grinning from ear to ear. It also makes it sound a bit bizarre to anyone not knowing our friends. The boy talking about being in the Dark Army. Yeah, good times! Just not as easy to explain to some people who have no humor or maybe morals, I don’t know. Hasn’t messed him up yet!

IMG_7926

I know that those girls love me no matter what is going on. That they love my boy I have no question. They went through so many of my life challenges with me and they know what a miracle he is. Because 2 out of 4, now 5 plus, have one boy each and those “babies” are now considered “adults” and it still throws me because you think they will be young forever and then it seems like overnight they are grown and making adult decisions and  sometimes it is overwhelming! One day you’re playing with their kids and you blink and their 6’ “kid” is playing with your baby and it just throws me. For my bebe shower they made me a cake that said “Better you than me!” and that meant the world to me! They meant every word with emphasis and feeling!

We have shared so much together that raising my kid now, even thought I am a state away,  just seems normal to me.

john lennon friends i get by

Plus like me, the boy loves a road trip! Short, long, it doesn’t matter I’ve been taking him on road trips since he was a month old.

It’s been too long and it is time.

Take the chances while you can and live your life!

You never know what tomorrow will bring so enjoy what you have while you can.

Always, keep hope alive!

 

TGIF… We made it!


friday awesome

T.G.I.F!

Can I get an amen and a halleluiah?!

I feel like I have struggled to get here and have finally begin making headway on getting things in order…somewhat! I mean I’m fabulously graceless and Murphy loves me so some things have to go a bit off! But being my OCD me I just try to plan for it so when it doesn’t happy I am pleased. When it does I still stress! However, no matter what today is going to be a fabulous day! I chose to believe that and I hope you do too!

its fridaywe made it peanuts

Keep Hope Alive My Fabulous Friends!

Much happiness and peace,

Lady Maos

motivational friday

 

 

Have a Fabulously, Fantastic Saturday – Keep Hope Alive!


“Cause Saturday night’s the night I like

Saturday night’s alright, alright, alright” – Elton John, “Saturday Night’s Alright”

sat sparkle happy

I love Saturday’s and I love Elton John! So I am sharing my maotic mind on this fabulous Saturday and oftentimes I think of Sir Elton John songs randomly and feel the need to share the soundtrack of my mind! You’re welcome!

There are so many things on my mind, heart and soul. I cannot express them all here today so I figured I would just go with whatever flows forth from my fingers. After all I have a deadline to meet and technology and I are once again at odds! Story of my life!

For the first time in ages I seriously wanted to toss my smarter-than-me-phone off the porch as I was apparently breaking the damn internet trying to read articles on www.scarymommy.com – seriously! It wasn’t even on the Facebook as I have had my phone just go back to my home screen when clicking on a video or article on the app. Recently, it did this while I was reading an article on the cellphone interweb. It reminds me of a gentler black screen of death that comes up on my computer. It scares me a little when my phone does it. Because I will tell you, I have a love/hate relationship with my smarter-than-me-phone and I rely on it far more than I want to. I become too plugged in and then reliant “in a pinch” if the computer isn’t working for whatever jacked up random reason it is this month! I swear if my man wasn’t such a genius at fixing my broken things, I would have lost my mind already with the computers crapping out on me and deadlines daily! To his credit he has handled my meltdowns quite well and the boy is convinced he can fix anything! I am just thankful he tolerates me as me, even encourages *gasps* me to be myself, not who I think I need to be for anyone else. Even when I am bitchy or irrational he tolerates me. That is a lot to handle I tell you. And the fact he doesn’t even flinch when I hand over my electronic device, usually a computer, and say “Please again” because I just can’t deal with it. Again. And fixes it. I am certain he does some kind of voodoo magic on it for it to work again for me.

I swear I have too much electromagnetics or some form of alien life form in my body! I cannot wear a watch, electronics fail after a period of time around me and not from abuse that I cause or viruses I “accidentally downloaded” (I learned how to avoid that a while ago but sometimes it happens). Now the smarter-than-me-phone is acting all jacked up.

Of course my mind fills up with topics to write while I can’t get onto a computer and just start writing drafts. And my hands have started this lovely cramping thing when I write, like old school write, with my hands. So I start to go a bit stir crazy in my head until I remember I can write down portions in my notebooks and get it out so I don’t completely loose it!

pen to paper image

Oh yes, yes my fabulous friends, Fabulously Gracelessness, a.k.a. Lady Maos is one stop shy of bat-shit crazy! I am amazed I can manage to keep it together enough to get this blog out daily! Between actually raising a child, working, writing, loved ones, having a life, chronic pain and issues, I am pretty damn proud of myself for hitting my mark and sharing my thoughts, ideas and hopes with the world daily. If I can do it on this small scale, you can do anything you want to do if you hope and believe in yourself. Because my motto is Keep Hope Alive. And I promise you, that daily mantra truly works. It gets me through more than I ever expected it to. I am pushing myself farther than I ever had in my writing and am starting to see some positive results. They are small and to some probably it wouldn’t matter but it gives me HOPE and therefore KEEPING HOPE ALIVE actually Works! Setting aside time for your dreams isn’t always easy, but then life is not always easy either. Besides I love a challenge! I have so many topics I am bound to hit the mother load of getting a big break. I believe in myself!

keepp hope alive keeps u alive

So bring on this Saturday, this Football game day and middle of the weekend!

Roll tide AL football

I hope you all have a fabulously fantastic Saturday and Keep Hope Alive!

 

Another procedure, another great day to be alive!


As I write this I am thinking of where I will be when this posts. I will be on my way to the ATL to have a hip procedure done and I am so excited! Most people probably think I am nuts, and maybe I am a little, but I look at each procedure like an opportunity to feel better. Even if only for a few weeks of relief I am so grateful to have it done! Plus I get to see my favorite SA and she rocks – Shout out! I am so glad she is feeling better and will be there tomorrow. It does make it so much easier having folk you trust work on your body. Plus I have been going there for about 8 years and every other doctor I see tells me to keep going there, no matter what state I have lived in. That in itself speaks volumes!

So me and my man will travel over there, I will have the procedure done and we come back home. Bless him for doing it as he has to work later today! I get to sleep for a while before my mom brings the boy home from school. No, things never let up but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love my maotic life and all the joy it brings. Just last night I got another pleasant surprise when I found out for sure the boy was invited to Black Belt Club at his karate school. He is young but he is learning to focus and is working hard! I try to work with him and help him learn the proper way to exercise, but a few nights ago he asked about sit up and push-ups. It is so hard to hide the disgust on my face about doing those 2 exercises! Honest Abe I do not like them at all! I can’t do sit ups due to my spine and I managed to squeak out 5 push-ups before I fell to the floor! I can do a few jumping jacks and am showing him how to do a cartwheel! Although I can’t do any exercises for a few days and to be honest, I have no problem with that! I can take it easy no problem! I have no clients until Monday so I will be allowed to rest and relax a bit. Sure. I will keep hope alive that that happens! This is Lady Maos, a.k.a. Fabulously Graceless, we are talking about here!

i love exercise nevermind

No matter what the day holds, I will keep my chin up and grin and bear it! Life happens and it isn’t always pretty, but we can chose how we take what’s given or thrown at us. I chose to make the best of whatever situation.

I hope you all Keep Hope Alive and have a Fabulously Graceless Day! And “great day to be alive” is from my other best friend/blogger/can’t define us Captain Pogo.

It is great day to be alive when you keep hope alive!

 

Hello Monday to my Fabulously Graceless Friends!


Helloooo Monday! Hellooooo my Fabulously Graceless Friends!

I hope everyone survived their weekend and are ready to kick booty!

I always seem to have something up my sleeve to get through the day!

monday cafe mocha vodka valium

I work to find the happiness and the humor if possible. Laughter is the best medicine for many of our ailments. It’s like it transports you, all of you with your pain and suffering, all of the bad and laughter tosses it out of the room and makes you cry tears of happiness and your belly ache. Laughter is powerful!

laugh until belly hurts then laugh more

Of course I can always rely on those that I love to get me through it, no matter in person, through text, email or social media or a phone call. Those of whom we just know when the other needs us or the universe just makes it happen. Those people that God, the Universe or whatever have placed in my life at the perfect time and we stick it out for each other no matter what.

I then go back to the fact that I am Fabulous Gracelessness, Lady Maos and a crazy chic who loves to write so I share it with everyone on the intraweb.

tgif thank goodness im fabulous when not friday

 

I also remind myself, and those reading, to always Keep Hope Alive!

Have a fabulously fantastic Monday!!

On this Saturday I join others in The Walk to End Alzheimer’s


The day is here and today is the Walk to End Alzheimer’s for the Central Alabama Chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association!

fight alzz

I’m so excited for today for so many reasons.

I worked for the Alzheimer’s Association, Georgia Chapter for 6 years and volunteered for 2 years prior to working with them.

Alzheimer’s is very personal for me as several of my family members have suffered from and even died from this disease. I have cared for many friends and others with this disease. I have consulted and worked with families to help manage the stages of this fatal disease. My grandfather had Alzheimer’s disease and eventually passed away 5 years ago after suffering with it for at least 10 years. His sister, my great aunt, had died from the disease 11 years prior and both of his parents died from Alzheimer’s. There was no chapter in Alabama, and the Alzheimer’s group that serviced the Birmingham area didn’t cover northern Alabama, and the Alzheimer’s Association of Middle Tennessee didn’t cover the area where he and my grandmother lived. They were in limbo as far as services and most of the local doctors were not as educated on the disease as they are now, though some smaller town doctors sometimes, not all and please I don’t want to get slayed for speaking the truth as I know it, do not know as much as is needed about the disease to help their patients.

This is where the Alzheimer’s Association becomes a guiding light for many. Their 800 # (1-800-272-3900) is a 24/7 hotline to help people any time day or night. You can also find them at www.alz.org. They may not always be to find you a support group or doctor close to you, however they are there to help assist you in time of need and make suggestions of where you go in your region, as well as give you tips and just be a voice on the end of the line when you truly need someone who can understand and talk to you.

I have been talking, calling, emailing since about 2007 to the national office about a chapter in Central Alabama. We have part of the northern section of the state covered by the Middle TN chapter and Lower Alabama covered by the Panhandle chapter but the rest was pretty much hanging out with no assistance.

At the end of 2013, the Alzheimer’s Association of Central Alabama was opened and I have volunteered, and badgered them for employment, since I moved here in 2014! To say I am thrilled is an understatement.

That is why todays walk means so much to me.

From the Alzheimer’s Association, the 2015 Alzheimer’s disease facts and figures:

  • Alzheimer’s is the 6th leading cause of death in the United States
  • It’s the only cause of death in the top 10 in America that cannot be prevented, cured or slowed
  • 1 in 3 seniors dies with Alzheimer’s or dementia
  • Almost two thirds of Americans with Alzheimer’s disease are women
  • Only 45% of people with Alzheimer’s disease or their caregivers report being told of their diagnosis versus more than 90% of people with the four most common types of cancer have been told of their diagnosis
  • Alzheimer’s kills more people than breast cancer and prostate cancer combined
  • In 2015, Alzheimer’s and other dementias will cost the nation $226 billion
  • By 2050, these costs could rise as high as $1.1 trillion

alz global epidemic

The disease is not pretty, it isn’t sexy or isn’t something a lot of people want to even talk about. Alzheimer’s knows no borders or boundaries, it takes people of all races, classes, socioeconomic background and all genders. It destroys their lives and the lives of those who care for them.

I’ve noticed several ads for Alzheimer’s medications on television recently and it angers me because it makes it seem as if “Oh you get Alzheimer’s you can take a pill and go on with your life.” If it were only that easy. There isn’t a magical pill. We are closer now than 10 years ago but we do not yet have a cure or even a way to stop the progression of the disease. It does “help” but unfortunately it doesn’t help everyone.

I want to walk, volunteer, spread awareness and help funding to prevent, halt and eventually find a cure for this terminal disease. I want my son and any grandchildren I may have to live in a world without Alzheimer’s.

So today I walk in memory of my grandfather, my Papa. Papa’s Posse will be at the Walk to End Alzheimer’s at Railroad Park volunteering and spreading hope! *Photo below of my beloved Papa & GrandMaMa

PAPA POSSE

Now I just hope the rains end prior to the walk and that we have massive attendance!

For my part, the Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos is all in!

Keep Hope Alive!