life

Just breathe

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes you go and you go and you go and suddenly a brick wall appears out of no where and there you are.

Smack on your booty. Sprawled across the pavement, against the window or whatever.

This is all metaphorically speaking of course!

I feel like that a lot when parenting. Or in life. Or when I haven’t seen my boy in over a week and over did it playing and can barely move! Literally.

We run errands, take care of others (family, animals, friends), work, clean, socialize and seem to be on the run constantly.

We forget to stop and smell the roses.

We forget to just breathe.

It seems so many things get in the way of having “fun”.

We start “carving time out” for “free time” but fill it with “hobbies” that seem to stress us out even more.

What happened to playing and being silly, singing for no reason and dancing in the rain?

What happened to just enjoying being?

We hold our breath hoping to get that job, for that boy to ask us to the dance, for that girl to call and we hold our breath waiting to see what the next words out of someone’s mouth is because it means “something” to us.

BREATHE.

Just Breathe.

Long, slow, deep breaths.

Sometimes it’s all that you need.

 

 

 

The Piglet is Home & unplanned weekend fun chaos!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

My apologies for the late post but my weekend got thrown a bit out of wack but in a very unexpected, very good way!

I had settled in to work and write yesterday when I received a text from a close friend. He was traveling with his older daughter and his younger daughter had been with his mom, then met up with her mom, step-dad and step-siblings.

Apparently mom had “gone off” on her younger daughter and she was extremely upset. Her Grammy was further out and I was asked if I could go get her. This is not a kid that gets “worked up” over nothing. She isn’t whinny, bratty or overly dramatic.

I termed it “operation kid rescue”!

Before anyone gets all up in arms, the father has full custody and the mother, though I know she loves her daughters, is somewhat in and out of their lives. I am merely an old family friend and love both girls like they’re my own.

So I drop what I am doing and go across town to get Miss A. She’s 12 and one of the coolest kids I know. So is her 17 year old sister. Their dad has done a fabulous jobs of raising them.

Let me just say, I don’t care what you situation is, you CHILD should be the Most important person to you and above all else, especially if you are a divorced parent, cherish any time you have with you kid. Do not try to put them against the other parent. It’s cruel, mean and just plain wrong! Once they get older they realize what you are doing and they have the option to leave. Especially if the other parent has done their job and they know they do not have to take the verbal abuse. This really gets my blood boiling because I can not IMAGINE ever doing this to my child! It does not even compute! I will get back to the topic sorry!

I get to her, and thankfully no drama as dad has called mom and Miss A meets me in the parking lot so I don’t have to deal with the mom.

Miss A is a bit down, of course, so we hit Starbucks for her favorite fru fru summery drink (cause I know she needs cheering up and she asked nicely as it isn’t in my “go to” places due to the cost), then ran to Target.

I was looking pretty rough with my comfy pants, t-shirt, no make-up and hair pulled up style but she said I looked beautiful. Anyone see why I love her?!

I gave her the option of going to Grammy’s or staying with me. She chose me because I’m that “cool auntie” and I was thrilled as I was really missing my boy and he wasn’t coming home until the following day, now today.

So we hung out, at pizza, she did crafts, while I wrote some, we watched movies, chatted and laughed like kids. Ok, well she is a kid and I thoroughly enjoyed being around her!

We crashed out and then got up this morning with one thing on our mind. The boy is coming home today!

Let me just say at 12, kids are pretty self sufficient, at least this one is! I didn’t have to do too much per se, just BE there for her to talk to about any and every thing. It isn’t hard. And I rather enjoyed being auntie to her and she is genuinely a fabulous kid.

We got cleaned up, dressed and ready and finally at least I heard the door chimes!

The Piglet is Home! My tater tot, my boy, my miracle is HOME!

He was on vacation with his dad, grandparents, aunt and friends at the beach and having a blast I know but it had been 9 days since I hugged and kissed on him.

But God did I Miss Him!

I think we hugged and kissed for at least 10 minutes when he got home.

Miss A was laughing and hugging us too.  We were so happy to have him home because he is just a joy and so much fun! Did I mention I missed him?

So we ate lunch, packed up and went out to a festival for some much needed fun!

We stayed several hours, playing, people watching and visiting with friends when we finally decided it was time to go.

We got Miss A home just after her dad and sister got home so we all decided to get some grub as it was dinner time.

By the time the boy and I hit the road for home, he was snoozing in the backseat!

Of course he woke up when we got home, didn’t want to take a bath and I convinced him by saying he really didn’t want all that dirt on his clean sheets, there could be bugs in the dirt – kind of probably not true but hey it worked!

He is now sleeping away after watching a movie… and of course it took a bit because he was happy to be home, loving on me, needed more milk, was somehow so awake after being soooo sleepy!

But I couldn’t be happier because the Piglet is home and all is right in my world again!

I will post more “interesting” posts at times and them other times, like today, I have mommy brain but I am so squishy, gooey happy that my boy is home.

I’m going to go, again, and kiss him on the head just because I can!

Have a fabulous Sunday my friends!

Just get through it, then you can you move past it

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 10 Comments

Sometimes you see the train coming round the bend and you absolutely Know you have to jump on but you just don’t want to.

You know that once you’ve jumped you can’t stop because really, you have no other choice.

My life is like that train sometimes, only it seems the driver is on drugs and my skills in jumping may be lagging a bit.

You know that there are things you have to face no matter what it may be.

You have no choice but to move on through it and face it.

If you don’t move through it you can never get past it.

Something that I am re-learning is much easier said than done.

However, it is something for me that I have to do because I am one of those people who has to go through it before I am past it to be able to move on with my life without the feeling of knowing I didn’t end the chapter, but instead just laid down the book never to finish it.

Too many times in my life have I left things in the “past” that later caught up to me because I didn’t move “through” it, but just breezed right past something but I did it because I didn’t have the knowledge, grace or guts to do at the time.

It’s easy to place blame on your situations, your work, you family, your life, and your state of mind.

Blaming others or an outside force is a much easier path to choose than one where you have to take accountability and lay the blame at your own feet.

Even if something isn’t all your fault in a relationship or situation, chances are good that the ending isn’t solely the other party’s fault no matter how you slice it.

Yes they may have done worse.

They may have ruined your favorite book, item of clothing or something other near and dear to you.

They may have spoken badly of you and spread lies and rumors.

They may have repeatedly lied to you thinking you would forgive again and again when you had done so before.

They may have been jealous of your abilities and felt threatened so they cut you from their lives to make themselves feel better telling you, “So sorry it was just time” or some other such non-sense.

In some cases yes, you can be completely blameless.

However I have learned that in most cases you aren’t.

This is when you have to do the ooey gooey yucky moving through it part to move past it.

A while back I was laid off from my job.

Though I knew that industry wide layoffs were happening, I had deluded myself into thinking I may be demoted and I could look for a job when/if this happened. Within two months of my old co-workers, who had worked for my company’s parent company, being laid off, I too got my “pink slip”.

I was somewhat devastated. I was also a bit relieved.

And if I was honest, I did know that chances were good I would be one of the ones to go first and get laid off.

This was not my “dream” job but I always put at least 100% into every job I have. Frankly I had been in the industry for the last 3 ½ years and I still didn’t understand a lot. That was in a large part due to the nature of the industry and people not sharing information for fear you would take their job, and for the fact I was female in an industry that is roughly 80% males in the upper management roles. There were women in management roles but I do know they made less than their male counter-parts. And it was pretty cut-throat at times.

I am still moving through it.

I am past it in the sense I made peace with the situation and started looking for employment. I have done beauty sales, adult sitter work and writing, but 6 ½ months later I do not have a “real full time full paying” job.

I am good with this because I am working to achieve my dreams. I am lucky that I am blessed with family to help, savings and some financial dribbling’s monthly to make ends meet. I do not live lavishly, I coupon and save when and where I can.

Do I want to live this way forever? Hell no.

I want to be able to comfortably support myself and my boy and not worry about paying my bills each month and having enough left over to do fun things with the boy as well as put some away for our future.

I Will get there because for me there is no other option.

See, working Through it even though I moved Past the incident.

I have also been re-connecting with old friends. And believe me I am selective on that because let’s face it, we are all crazy and honestly, some crazies just don’t mix!

People can put on an “act” for who they are or aren’t only for so long.

At this stage of a relationship, you are probably back in the ooey gooey moving through it.

Whether moving “past” it means being around that person, with some type of “conditions”, or completely moving on, you will still move “past” whatever it is in your relationship with this person.

I have a close friend who is one of the most compassionate, intelligent and awesome humans on the planet. She is also slightly nuts in a take a step back and possibly adjust meds kind of way.

There have been times during the course of our decade’s long friendship when we have both had issues we had to work through in order to get past.

It wasn’t always pretty, nice or easy but because we believed in our friendship we worked through it. We remain close to this day.

I have had other relationships where it was best all-around to end it completely.

The hardest part about ending a relationship is not only moving through it, but the getting past is harder. Those kind of relationships, no matter how close or distant, are similar to when someone dies.

If someone dies, you have to move through your grief and there is no time limit on that.

To me, moving “past” a death is accepting it, no matter what the cause. You may still be moving through it even those you have moved past what caused it and have accepted you will no longer see that person ever again in this life.

But a relationship you end, depending on how it ends and the circumstances surrounding it, can be like a death but the person is still on the planet and you may actually see them again.

Instead of discomfort and hateful words you have to move through your emotions, or at least how you display yourself in public and around others, so that you do not completely go off the deep end or embarrass yourself. Or worse say something you will regret later.

If you are changing the dynamics of your relationship you have to move through how that will play out while moving past the way it was.

Maybe you were sort of friends and now you’re close. Maybe you’ve gone from friends to dating. Or from dating to friends.

All of those change the dynamics of how your relationship with that person is.

If you don’t define how you feel, people don’t always have that “daily dose of gypsy shit so now I can read your mind” mentality. They need to Know.

Even if it’s unpleasant and not what you want to do, in order to move on and past you have no choice but to know how you feel.

Sparing someone’s feelings now could cost you more than you bargain for later.

Whatever the situation or circumstance sometimes you just have to JUMP!

I am still moving though and past so many things in my life. I am sure I will continue to do so until the day that I die. I least I hope so.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

Have a fabulously graceless night my friends!

Quiet time, me time and missing the noise

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I remember growing up we did not have all of the technology and all of the options we do today.

Yes my mom talked on the phone, but it was attached to a cord and plugged into the wall. If you wanted privacy, you went to another room or she told us kids to go outside or in our rooms.

Our rooms held our dearest treasures and outside held fun and adventures.

We lived on a cul-de-sac when I from the time I was 18 months old until I was 8. That would be the time when we acquired my younger brother!

We then moved to a newer subdivision from the time I was 8 until around 18 in which I met my best friend/sister and where the majority of my teenage years played out.

When my parents moved again, it was so my brother could go to a different school since I was graduating and he was about to go to high school.

No matter where we lived, we were required to “be creative” and let my parents have peace during the days of summer and school breaks.

We always did many things together as a family such as dinner each night, church on Sundays, vacations, family gatherings, parties – you get the idea.

But we also had “quiet times” and somehow I always treasured those times.

I don’t require “background” noise like a lot of people do.

And let me be clear, I do like to put on the radio or TV on occasion and have noise happening when I am alone, but I really do cherish quiet time. Nor am I a huge fan of TV every night.

I remember one of the first times when I was a teenager and my parents went away overnight and my younger brother went to my grandparents house.

My parents were trusting me to be an adult and not have a party or anyone over, plus there were plenty of people in the neighborhood that could “watch” our house and back then, there wasn’t all of the dangers we have today. No Facebook and smart phones to instantly update the world on your location and what you are doing. Not a lot of traffic in our area and less crime than there is now.

I did, of course, invite my best friend/sister across the street over for a little while but all we did was make a few calls to boys and watch the cable channels we normally were “limited” to watch.

Cable was the “new” thing as were microwaves! Yep, I am that old!

After she left I remember thinking “It is so Quiet.”

I could hear the house creaking and making noise, I could hear the dog outside but that was it. No TV, no one talking, walking around or making any noise.

It was Bliss!

I went up to my room and read and wrote in my journal.

I slept late because my parents weren’t coming home until later that day.

I enjoyed the peace and quite of a house alone for the first time in my life.

As the years moved forward and I grew up and moved out of my parents home, for the first time haha, I enjoyed having roommates but enjoyed the times when I was alone at home.

The quiet can be so peaceful!

I later married we and moved around a lot. Florida, Georgia, California and back to Georgia.

Many years later we divorced and at first I was living with friends, but I realized I wanted to get my “own” place.

I wanted the option of “quiet time” all the time because I had never had that.

So I got my own apartment and I reveled in being the only one who made noise, other than neighbors, which I had experienced before being an apartment dweller.

However, after a year-ish I realized I am a very social creature. I had already adopted two cats but I missed living with someone.

I set out to find a roommate. And I was “picky”! I wish I had the original ad I posted on “need a roommate” sites due to it’s “what I don’t want” content!

I finally found one person I felt “good” about meeting and happily she was the only person that came to “check out the place” and also became a friend for life!

She, like me, loved her quiet time but wanted someone semi-normal to live with. She had been in a bad relationship, moved in with family and now wanted to be free of the familial judgment and irritation that can come with it!

We both dated, but often joked we would probably end up being old lady roommates with cats and dogs when we moved into our 3rd residence together.

We had a house with a yard, cats, dogs and she was as OCD about cleaning as I was.

We both respected each other about our “quiet time” but would call each other out if we stayed on the couch for too long (like over a week and you aren’t dying from flu, allergies, stomach bug, surgery or anything else of the like) to touch base and generally keep each other sane.

After a few years  my gypsy spirit kicked in and I decided to move yet again.

This time my adventures led me to the state of Tennessee.

I had some wonderful roommates that I love dearly and are still wonderful friends with to this day.

I married again and had my miracle boy.

It was all so crazy and seem to happen so fast!

I had made peace, to a degree, that I wasn’t able to have children.

My friend, then later husband, and I talked about fertility treatments but honestly I wasn’t sure if I could afford the emotional blow it would cause if we paid out all that money and it didn’t work.

Then a miracle happened. I was pregnant.

We got married and I left my wonderful friends and moved in with him. It may not have been the smartest thing to do since we were such good friends but we thought we could pull it off.

I also knew my enjoyment of “quiet time” was about to be interrupted for a while!

I am not dumb but to my credit I was happy about the arrival of the human I was blessed to help create and carry. I was terrified and happier than I had ever been.

Anyone who has children know from the moment they are born your life of peace and quiet is shattered!

It is not all bad, but that is the truth!

If you’re lucky in the first year, you get “quiet time” when the kid is sleeping and the whole “you nap when they nap” actually happens sometimes because you’re dead on your feet from doing your “normal” chores and work, even if you aren’t caught up on everything you take a nap even if you aren’t a “nap person”! At least I did on occasion!

So “quiet time” shifted but I could still find it.

Life moved on and the boy grew and his dad and I realized that we didn’t need to be married. We had issues with living together and clashed on too many things. We tried counseling and we truly worked on trying to stay together but finally realized we couldn’t stay together “for the sake of the child” because we were both miserable.

So I moved again into my own place right down the road.

My father was going through cancer treatments again and I was a wreck from the emotional strains of worrying about my son, my father and the impending divorce.

I found more “quiet time” than I wanted as my son shares time with his father, which I am grateful for as often times kids get the raw end of the deal when parents are divorcing, but that first few months was Hard.

My “quiet time” was torture to think of all the things going on I had no control over and I miss my son like crazy when he’s gone.

I finally learned to accept his nights and weekends away and to enjoy the precious alone time I had.

During our divorce negotiations and mediation, we ending up deciding to move back to our home state of Alabama as both sets of parents lived here as well as extended family and friends.

It’s funny how you think you won’t move somewhere then you have a child and your whole perspective changes!

I didn’t have a lot of “quiet time” per se due to life and the happenings going on.

My friend whom I had lived with in Georgia, moved in with me to my townhouse after a failed relationship. We were happy to be together again but a bit sad of the circumstances that brought us together. She was great with my son and I once again had my friend with me.

Sadly, she passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack in her sleep.

I was heartbroken and so was Blake.

My aunt had also passed away a few months before and now my son was again losing someone he loved.

I feared there would be more to come but I had no idea how much more.

As I was packing up to move at the beginning of last year I got the call I had been dreading.

Although I had been going back and forth from TN to AL pretty much every weekend, my father had taken a turn for the worse. I threw my bags together and the boy and I set out for the motherland.

We arrived on Friday and my father passed away with our family by his side on Sunday.

I stayed on another week with my mom, family and friends. Funeral arrangements, plans and grief were the world I was in.

I have no idea how my mom made it through with the grace she did, but she is one of the strongest women I know and I have so much love, respect and admiration for her.

Her partner of 45 years had passed and she was hurting like never before, but also shared her journey with my brother and I and our family. It’s never easy when one of the rocks of a family dies, however having the love and support of your family and friends makes it bearable.

I am so blessed to have wonderful friends who while I was gone took care of my animals and also helped pack up my home.

I moved back “home” and in with my mom 2 days shy of one month after my father passed.

5 days after moving back, my beloved fur bebe golden retriever, Jethro a.k.a. Big Love, passed away. See, it did get a bit worse.

We were already grieving and now we grieved another.

Neither mom nor I were sure how things would work out.

I was over 40 with a 3 year old and living with my mom!

Fortunately I was able to transfer with my job and mom and I found out that we not only could live together but enjoyed it in a way we never had before.

We help each other out and one of the things we share is enjoying our “quiet time” or “me time” and help each other find it.

The boy loves living at GiGi’s house with mommy and we talk about Pops, my dad, too. It’s still “their” home but now it’s ours too.

We talk about heaven a lot with the boy because how else are you going to explain so many losses to a 3, now 4 year old? He has Great Wink, Aunt Bicky, Pops and Jethro having parties in heaven and I tend to enjoy his view on it as it eases my sadness to see the world through his eyes.

I know I am fortunate, blessed and pretty darn lucky.

It isn’t always easy but mom and I know we have each other.

Recently she went on a little vacation and the boy went on vacation at the same time.

I forgot about how much I Need and Cherish “quiet time” and me time.

It’s nice to wake up on your schedule, eat cereal for dinner if you want and not have to worry about anyone else.

But you know what? I miss them both! I can’t wait until everyone’s “Home” and the chaos and noise is again filling the house up.

Because as much as I love the quiet time, I miss my family! Noise and all!

Have a fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

 

 

The Nothingness

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

It’s in everyone of us.

The nothingness.

That “I have so much to do but yet I do nothing” gene.

The feeling of depression or despair that creeps out into the “happy” side of who we are.

Sometimes we are taken hostage for moments, other times it can be days, months or years.

Getting away from The Nothingness can be harder than one can imagine.

It makes us feel worthless. Useless. Like it doesn’t matter.

For some, getting out of the nothingness never happens.

Like a CD on loop it comes back around again and again.

Letting you think you might be free but you aren’t.

You cry, scream and yell but to no avail.

Then the Hopelessness crawls in.

From the shadows it slithers towards you, hiding when you try to banish it.

Now hopelessness has joined the nothingness to make you even worse.

You head, your heart, your entire soul is now hostage.

Round and round. Over and over. The death loop.

It can be slow, more often than not, so that it doesn’t seem so intense at first.

Then you realize you have allowed it to take over your being.

The endless loops of hopelessness and nothingness are your family.

They don’t allow for hope, joy and healing to come and visit.

They push them out and black out the shades so that all you are left with is them.

Your “companions” that you feel you created, let in and have lost control of are at the helm of your mind.

Your zest for life has been so squashed you don’t remember what it’s like to really Live any longer.

You lie to those who care about you that you’re “fine and doing great” when the reality is you can’t even find it in yourself to be around others, much less handle your day to day life.

You stop eating. Your sleep is off. Your dreams are nightmares.

Will you ever win the battle of your soul that you seem to be losing to The Nothingness and Hopelessness?

You feel like there is a sign on you that says “All hope abandoned.”

People are starting to notice you aren’t around.

They notice you no longer look happy.

You no longer care how you look even in the basics of grooming and hygiene.

You don’t care.

You amble along at this pace for what seems to be forever.

“Get help.” “Talk to someone, anyone.” They tell you.

But you go on alone.

Nothingness and hopelessness accompanying you on your journey.

You are withering away.

Is there a special hell for someone like you? Someone who dropped out of life? Someone who no longer cares about themselves or others?

You wonder.

One day you realize it’s very bright outside.

You haven’t been out in ages.

The sun. It is shining down on your pale, withered skin.

A breeze blows cool across your face.

And then you feel it.

The tendrils of Hope.

You are confused.

You thought hope had left you. Why now? Why you?

The truth is Hope never leaves.

Love never dies.

The Nothingness and the Hopelessness CAN be defeated.

You have to want it.

You have to work at it.

They are so firmly ensconced in your being you feel they were there since birth and are a part of who you are.

It’s true that they have always been there.

So have hope, love and joy.

Somehow you allowed them to play on the front stage when you felt the doubt of your own mind.

You have the power to put them back where they belong.

You know they will always be there and that’s ok.

As long as you don’t give in.

As long as you don’t allow them to take you hostage and lead you along that dark, damp road alone.

You have the Choice!

It will take time, tears and much work but you can take yourself back.

You can bring back your hope, your love, your joy and your life.

You may not can do it alone but you know there are people out there to help you get through this long journey.

You just have to make the choice and do it.

It won’t be easy, but then anything truly worth it never is.

Always Keep Hope Alive!

Be fabulously graceless!

Embrace the Hope, Love and Joy in yourself!

*Dedicated to anyone suffering and feeling alone. Life isn’t easy. You never know who is hurting and why. You can’t fix everyone but you can fix you.

Those darn squirrels

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

Some days I wake thinking “I will get so much done today!”. And for a few hours I actually do.

Then it seems I veer off course.

“Squirrels” to me means some sort of distraction usually hits me.

I’m not sure if you are familiar with the move “Up” but when Doug the dog is talking to the man and boy and suddenly he gets distracted and says “squirrel” it cracked me up because that is so how life is.

People are more like animals than they chose to admit!

I have my lists, my chores, my “things to do” but like a lot of people that work from home or have a bit of time on their hands, managing that time is harder than it seems!

It is easy to get lost in the “randomness” of things we would rather do than what needs to be done!

I am so guilty of this!

I find myself checking things off of my list and thinking I have a little bit of extra time, so I decide to change course “for a few minutes” and minutes/hours later I am now behind on what I really Need to do!

Instead of doing all of my chores/work and then letting the randomness happen I have let the randomness slide in-between and get in front of my productivity.

I really am working on this with some actual success.

I want more than anything to write and also get paid to write. I do this blog so I can just write! I want to spend more time with friends and family. I want to keep volunteering. I want to be able to travel whenever I feel like it.

In order to make these things possible I realize I have to focus and be accountable for my time.

Jeez accountability.

That’s such an “adult” word in my mind. Ironically I am an adult and sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Not that my boy doesn’t jog my memory daily that I have to be not only accountable but responsible. But the times when he isn’t with me are when I am supposed to be working  towards my dreams and our future. I do get breaks and have to make the most of my time.

So I made a vow to myself that I am keeping.

It doesn’t matter how anyone else but myself feels about it. Well it does but I am lucky in that those the people who matter support me and believe in me.

I don’t like to let people down. It’s a lot of weight to carry but you know what? It is totally worth it!

So don’t let the “hard stuff” and fear stand in your way of your dreams.

Don’t let the “squirrels” get you distracted. Go For It!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

I know I am and I know I Can Do It.

I Believe in Me!

Have a fabulously graceless day friends!

Just going to plant some flowers….

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 17 Comments

Recently a friend posted on her Face Book page she had some daylilies and if anyone wanted them to come on by and get some.

I talked to my mom and asked because I though the front yard could use a little color in the garden and she whole heartedly agreed.

Of course I would go get them, dig them up and replant them.

That sounds So SIMPLE!

The reality is I went and dug up the plants 2 days ago.

I didn’t think I dug too many up and had put them in 2 bags, one for mom and I and another from another set of friends.

I was sore in places I forgot I had muscles! I was feeling all “nature girl” or something.

I gave my friends theirs on Sunday afternoon on the way to family dinner and had put ours in the yard. I knew they’d be fine for a day or two.

Monday was not a good day. No flower planting.

Tuesday, today, I woke up thinking “I got this.”

I tend to be delusional at times and this is so one of those times!

I go out into the yard where I originally thought I would plant them. Realizing they may not get enough sunlight at all, I changed locations to the front flower bed where there was a gap and a fabulous spot for my flowers!

So I start digging. And digging. And cutting away the cloth laid down years ago to control the weed population. I got 4 good holes dug. Then I went around and got the flowers.

After looking at the plants I realized there were way more than I thought and were clustered together. I needed more holes!

So I cut the fabric and started to get my shovel for more holes when I feel a piercing pain in my foot. I won’t lie. I hollered out a word not fit for small children to hear!

I thought I had been stung or somehow had gotten a sharp rock in my shoe. Nope, the “tacks” they use for the “weed cloth” was in my foot and a lovely shade of crimson was now showing on my foot!

Mentally I did the math and I am good on the tetanus shot (less than 5 years), however it Hurts!

So now I am hobbling in the house to “treat my wound” and feel sorry for myself! Only 5 minute pity party allotted today though!

But this is Life so I have to Suck It Up!

I am taking a small break and thought I would check emails, my posts, etc and see what’s happening in general in the virtual world and realized I could do a post about this.

In life, you plan to just “plant some flowers”, use that for whatever you need to do (organize, clean, plan a party, whatever), but somehow the time constraints and plans you put into place don’t always work out the way you want them to.

Heck Life sometimes just won’t Allow it to happen no matter what you do!

But remember you have a choice in Many things.

You have a choice in how you handle your situations.

For me, I am going to hobble back out there, get my holes dug and plant those flowers!

Hoping of course they live, this is my life after all, I am looking forward to seeing those beauties for years to come.

Because no matter how hard it turned out or how long it takes me, those flowers are worth it!

As are a lot of things in life we don’t want to take the time to do because it becomes more difficult than we expected. Those things are most likely worth it. We don’t need anymore regrets so don’t give up easily!

Always remember to keep hope alive!

Have a fabulously graceless Tuesday my friends!

My gracelessness is already shining bright today!

“Me” Time

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Do you ever have those times when you just want to be alone but don’t ever seem to have the time?

You never quite take time for yourself but you don’t really pay attention to those warning sirens in your head that say “STOP YOU PSYCHO YOU HAVE TO SLOW DOWN AND TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF OR I WILL MAKE YOU STOP!” Complete with cymbals, fireworks and other loud noises to make you Listen… Or some kind of something like that!

Yeah welcome to my world!

There’s always something or somebody that needs or wants your attention. Bills, laundry, errands, jobs, family, friends, the list is endless. You may feel guilty for even thinking about it because you feel a responsibility to take care of things ASAP and not consider the importance of You.

It can be overwhelming at times.

Sometimes you do just have to STOP.

For me I have to stop, re-group, attempt to re-organize and remember to Breathe!

I have to let the memories and feelings wash over me and let them do as they may.

I have to embrace them, examine them and try to figure out why I sometimes feel I am ever so slowly losing more of my mind than I feel I have already lost.

I HAVE to have “me” time and have been accused or more than 10 occasions of being “selfish”.

Maybe I am.

Maybe I give and give and go and go and really do need to just stop.

Either way I know I am not alone in feeling this way.

I was talking to a very good friend the other day. We live about 11 miles apart and haven’t seen each other in person in a year.

We have known each other for 20-ish years and we do keep in touch. They are very dear to me and I can’t imagine life without them but yet we don’t “see” each other that much and talk sometimes but not your weekly conversation, more like every few months and we text. We care about each other like siblings. We are there when it counts.

We were talking about this very thing. “Me” time and really how a person NEEDS it.

How yes, you are often considered selfish when you “take it” as if your time belongs to someone other than yourself.

You designate the “me” time.

You give your time to your job, your spouse/significant other, your children, your family and friends. You may spend extra time with charities and hobbies that usually involve others but you don’t always remember to take “time out” for yourself.

And by golly it’s so Important to have “ME” if we are to grow as a human beings.

If you can’t take time, whether it be a few hours a week (even broken down into minutes here and there if you have a family, children or relationship), a day or days if you can to get yourself some quality “ME” time you Will start to unravel.

That is scary. Scarier if you don’t even recognize it.

Because then you start to affect those very people you share your other time with. You start to “float off” when you should be paying attention.

Maybe it affects your health, your relationships, your job.

Maybe it begins as a tiny tear but slowly it begins to eat away at the very fabric of who you are.

Then people ask why your cranky, distant, acting “weirder than normal”. Why you don’t call them back, why you aren’t you your crazy, goofy, demented self.

Then you realize.

I have lost myself.

I have forgotten who I am.

And you Find the time for You.

Because without some me time, there is no Life time.

You can’t share with others what you don’t have.

Find some time for the “me” in You.

I know I am.

Have a fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

Can I please get your side effects listed?

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 10 Comments

 

I think when you become friends, began dating and knowing people you will be around often (work, friends, etc.) that one of your first acts should be to give a list to the other your side effects. Openly and honestly.

You can do the “Hi I am Sam, I’m a Virgo, I am a bit OCD, I hate it when you fold napkins the wrong way in fact, when we are preparing for people to come over if they aren’t folded right I may have a breakdown and end up in the state hospital again. I love unicorns and puppies and I put mustard on my popcorn.”

See? Simple! Hahahahaha

Ok I know it isn’t that easy but you can tell people about yourself.

I understand that you don’t want to give away all of your crazy up front, no need to run them off, but it is fair to tell people about you. For example, say if you spend a lot of time together in any capacity that you’re on medication for seizures, heart issues, because you sometimes here the dust mites chattering away. Those are kind of important things to share if you are sharing chunks of time with someone. What if you have a reaction or need medical attention with your friend? This is crucial information to share.

Later you can tell them about how you don’t always answer your phone or how you only go out every 3rd day. Again not sharing all the oddities right away but building up to it. That is fine as long as it doesn’t involve say body parts stored in the freezer or a fetish for hurting others.

We all have oddities and things we do that may annoy, irritate or frighten others depending on what it is. And by frighten I mean that it could be something small or something pretty big that you need to get out there.

People have patterns. You can only “pretend” to be a certain way for so long unless you’re like that chick in that book/movie “Gone Girl” or that dude in “The Talented Mr. Ripley” or “Catch Me if you can”.

Not that there aren’t  people out there like that but to me that’s more extreme. I have met quite a few people that are very adept at “hiding” parts of who they really are. They can be quite persuasive and manipulative. It’s a fascinating thing to watch and scary at the same time.

If someone you become friends with suddenly becomes a close talker and a bit too much into your personal life, you have to look back and see that the signs were there, she was just refraining from being her true to not scare you off. Can you live with that as a friend? Do you approach her about it? Do you slowly back away and disappear?

I handled this with the “heyyyyy friend, you are all up in my personal space. I like you and respect you but you need to understand my life is mine and I will share a lot with you but you don’t need to research or “assume” things because you will most likely be wrong and make me mad. Ask me. If it’s too personal I will tell you as much and we can move on.” And yes, I am still friends with this person!

What if you’ve been friends with someone and suddenly the don’t seem to answer the phone as much as they once did? You still hang out but the whole answering the phone when you call doesn’t happen as much. They still call you occasionally to make sure plans are in place (after you’ve left messages) but they just don’t take your calls. Do you get mad or confront and/or accept it?

I am seriously referring to several of my super close inner group of friends. The truth is we all love each other and hate to talk on the phones at times. Not that we won’t go for a marathon or sometimes just 5 minutes. I just Asked if I had done anything wrong and when we talked, we realized that we had grown in our relationships and didn’t feel the Need to talk all the time.

Of course we still do talk, more so now that we aren’t living in the same state for some, but still not as much as some people feel people need to talk or it makes them not “friends”. **I don’t have/know of too many folks like this because I get irritated with the phone in general & if you feel like I have to talk to you every few hours or we aren’t being what you deem “friends” then you will have a problem with me! The only person that gets that much attention is the boy because he is mine and even then I tell him “mommy needs some time away from it all for just a few minutes” (and that usually leaves me hiding in the bathroom for only 10-15 minutes if he is distracted by playing or watching a movie!).

Or you’ve been friends with someone and known each other a while. When you were younger you maybe drank together, and as you aged you went through stages of partying and both seemed to come out alive and ok. Then you notice they are drinking or on something because they are acting like they did when you partied together “back in the day” but this is no longer “back in the day” and you’re older and have responsibilities. Do you ignore it, accept it, confront them? Do you decide they aren’t worth it because “they know better”? Do you judge?

I can say I have done all of the above. And yes, there have been some regrets I admit.

In various stages of our lives we don’t always make the best decisions and then again sometimes it is for the best but may not feel like it them.

I know that I always talked to my friends before I did anything “rash”, well at least after about the age of 20! Before then I just didn’t understand people as well and what I could, would and could not tolerate.

I wish everyone well but I am sorry I can’t go down that rabbit hole with you. Sometimes some journeys are meant to go on alone. If you are very, very lucky you may get to see them again on this journey of life!

What about the friends you make and some life event shakes you both up and you realize you have nothing more in common anymore but the time you have known each other?

You have years of being around this “friend” but nothing else anymore as this event has shown you the glaring differences in the core of who you both are.

And you realize, all along you saw the signs, the side effects. You Knew the words on the warning labels yet you chose to ignore them because you truly felt this friend was worth it.

That they would be there with you for the zombie apocalypse.

When the time came and the world as you know if fell apart, you both let each other down in some ways.

You never expected them to fall so far and when you confronted them, they tore you apart emotionally because they knew they couldn’t take away the core of the true you and that made them jealous because maybe, just maybe you were a stronger person than they were.

And if we are honest you are a bit less selfish than they were.

But you, in your ways of the thoughts of the universe, thought that just because they didn’t want to list their “side effects” to you out loud; that it was understood you both Knew and that you acknowledged it but also had expectations of them being Human and admitting their shortcomings as you admitted yours to them.

It didn’t happen.

You never know how things will end up. Maybe the spin around the sun will make you friends once more and maybe they will become someone you once knew.

So if we could just be honest and share the not so pretty side effects/warning labels about ourselves with each other, it would just make things so much easier, ya know?! It couldn’t hurt much!

What do I know? I’m just a chick that enjoys blogging about the thoughts in her head!

Have a Fabulously Graceless Sunday My Friends!

Fly your freak flag proudly!