my mind

Jigsaw reflection

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

For the record I am trying so hard to keep hope alive. I am trying like hell to be positive. It isn’t easy.

This week was harder than I thought it would be. I am trying to let the light override the darkness in my mind. I feel like I am letting people down, those I love most because I feel like I am going in 50 directions and only maybe getting one thing done out of 50. I know there are thing I could do to make my life better. I am working on it truly I am. I was hoping to be able to write and care for others solely, however I am realizing right now that is not possible. So

I have set out to get a “real job” with more income until I can make more doing what I love. And it is a slippery slope. Being a single mother is hard. Yes I have help, yes I have people who love me more than anything and are willing to pitch in financially and with their time to help. I love them for it and I am so grateful. But I have this built in defect that says I need to be the One who takes care of everything. It isn’t rational and at this point in my life certainly not possible but I am trying. I also know I am his main “there” parent and it is a load I gladly carry.

Once upon a time I had a “real job” that “paid good with benefit”. I went in and gave it my all every day. I left feeling dirty and miserable due to the conditions at the office but I wasn’t stopping because I have responsibilities, a child to raise and life to life. If I want to be able to visit my family and friends I didn’t want finances to be the reason I couldn’t go. When I moved from TN to AL I was able to transfer to a sister company. The pay was better, but the conditions were a bit challenging. Determined I made it work. I had heard the whisperings, read the articles and knew our industry was in deep doo doo. I was assured repeatedly that they had never laid folk off and they weren’t starting now. I had a small savings account which I had put in an interest bearing account. Then I got laid off. Somewhat shell shocked I took the news well and even went back to make sure my workload was taken care of and my customers were transferred over to someone who would work with them.

I was able to draw unemployment for 6 months but after that I have been on my own so to speak. I am beyond blessed to have a fabulous mama, I mean, where else would I get the fabulous from? She does more for me that I would like but I appreciate more than she knows. We don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other.

I am feeling a bit of nostalgia and longing for those that have left this astral plane far too soon. Those who I have always turned to when I was feeling this way. Sometimes I still hear their voices when I scream out into the universe. They always tell me to never give up. I can feel their love.

Last night was particularly hard because it was the 2nd anniversary of my Vicky’s passing. I went through most of my day pretty good, found out my brother, sister-in-law and nephew were coming to dinner so that was good. I picked up another client so that is happy news. Dinner was great, children babbling, different conversations and family time. After the dishes were done, the house was picked up and guests were gone I guess it hit me hard. I was using an excuse about something else, so I could be angry, but I think one of the true reason for my emotions was I still feel the loss 2 years later of Vicky’s unexpected death.

It was so surreal. In some ways, I feel like it was a bad nightmare that couldn’t have really happened. We had planned to take the boy to Chuck E. Cheese since we still had tons of tokens left over from his birthday party and we both had the day off. Dinner with friends would wrap up our weekend and Monday was to start a new week. We had both been through so much and it seemed like life was getting back on track. But when the boy went into her room that morning, came out and said she was sleeping and it was cold in her room I knew. Trying to not look as shaken as I felt I went quietly into her room and saw her laying on the bed. Leaned over like she fell asleep while on her computer with her glasses still on, peaceful looking. But I knew. I touched her leg and it was all I could do to keep from screaming out. I called my other “sister” and said something to the effect of get over here ASAP I am calling 911 because I was pretty sure Vicky was dead. She arrived moments with the police and ambulance and took over the care of the boy. It only took 10 minutes to clear me as a “suspect” and once the boy was gone and I could talk freely, we realized that she had most likely had a heart attack and just died. No drugs or foul play she just died. She was 47. She had just started a new job, met a new guy and was making friends in the city. She had started over again but was happy for the first time in a long time.

I realize we never know how long we have. We never know when we are talking to someone that it could be the last time. If I had known with her I know it would have been more than “Do you need anything from Walmart? Ok no? I love you sister”. I would have hugged her and told her again how proud I was of her and how thankful I was to share a portion of this wild ride of life with her.

Whew talk about cathartic! It may sound crazy but I feel better! Writing down my feelings and sharing them helps me more than I could have ever imagined.

I guess now I will go and work on finding a real job… and writing a few articles! You never know when you will get that break you have worked so hard for.

Know you aren’t alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Know that some days are going to completely suck and that’s ok. There will be better days.

I do hope you all have a fabulous day my friends!

*I dedicate this post to my “sister” Vicky and my “little sister” Woocy. And of course my amazing mama. Thank you all for believing in me and putting up with my madness!

Have you ever had a craptastic day emotionally? How do you handle it? Tell me, I’m listening.

 

 

Beginning the jigsaw of who I am

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

I am trying really, really hard to not censor myself in my writings. To be totally and brutally honest the fabulously graceless human that I am. To show the human side of life through my blogs. A jigsaw puzzle of who I am.

In my writings, as in my life, there are bits and pieces of me. Some are as a daughter, sister, mother, friend, niece, aunt, co-worker, volunteer, writer, lover, stranger, fighter for others, animal lover… so many different parts yet all part of a whole human. Many have seen all aspects, others only portions. And then there are those that can only speculate about who I am based on small portions of “data”. Through so many threads I am consistent in being who I am no matter the circumstances. It isn’t as hard as it once was. Maybe it’s age or becoming a parent but I seem to be seen consistently by people more now that I was in the past.

The “mask” of being polite and civil slips more. Oftentimes I no longer even think to put it on.

Why not let people see me for who I truly am? Why not be me?

Brad Paisley has a song “So much cooler online” or something similar. I get it sort of. I understand and relate to role playing, but becoming someone I am not or acting as if I am someone I am not doesn’t work for me.

My passions are my child, family, friends, writings, taking care of others, the outdoors, reading, knitting, listening to music, enjoying the silence, gazing at the stars, watching movies… I can list the “norm” with the rest of the folks. I also love the human psyche, nearly all things medical (either from personal experience or learning about things through others), horror movies, those considered “psycho” (Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and the like), cleaning and organizing… things a bit odder but still acceptable to a degree.

When I was younger I was considered a “rebel”. I was friends with everyone, no matter their skin color, their choice in who they dated or their social/financial status. I was taught people are people. Everyone poops. Just because you have a gold toilet or someone to wipe your butt doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else.

Part of my “rebel” status came because of that. Another part was I pushed the boundaries. I stayed up late, snuck out and did a few things that made my parents cringe including wearing my hair purple for many years.

It’s taken life and therapy to realize that I wasn’t really a rebel but just another human trying to find their place in this world. To be accepted and loved for who I am no matter what. Not for good grades, how I dress, talk, go to church, eat or how much money I have. It amazes me now how certain things play into whether you are considered a “good and/or productive” person you are. How in 2015 people still judge you on who your friends are, how much your income is and your zip code along with several other factors. I still don’t “GET” why that should matter if the person is quality and would give the shirt off their back to help others. If the person being judged doesn’t have a “job” that is considered “acceptable” yet they volunteer with seniors, children and/or animals on a regular basis but they are judged “not worthy” because of the beat up car they drive and their second hand clothes.

I personally love those moments where someone is judging someone, a stranger, (this is an actual conversation I had with a stranger) regarding their wardrobe choice, a bit threadbare but not inappropriate. The stranger says to me, “Would you look at her? She looks like she stole that outfit at a thrift store! Who could wear some stranger’s clothing?! Look at you in your nice skirt and top, you seem like a respectful young woman.” To which I replied, “It looks well worn, she may not be able to afford new clothes. You like my outfit? Thanks so much I got it at the thrift store last week on discount…$7 for the whole outfit barely worn! Of course I washed it and being a single mom and all I have to cut corners when I can! But then I thrifted before my child was born and they grow so fast!” She was backing away pretty quickly from me by this point. “You mean you are judging someone based on their clothing and we are in Target?! I usually come in here in my comfy clothes but I just got off work. It must be nice to be able to have the time to dress up every time you go out!” By this time a crowd had gathered and the lady was beet red. She stammered. “No! I wasn’t judging I just mean it I wouldn’t wear it out it doesn’t work for me. And your outfit is lovely. I have to go!” And she ran away! Be careful who you “confide” in when bashing others. I won’t go there with you. Even if they are drunk, wearing a prom dress and tiara, I would most likely say, “Girl you rock that dress we all know you can’t get many uses out of one and even on discount they ain’t cheap!” Why not pick someone up instead of tearing them down?

Like with friendships or relationships. You come to a point where you realize that you and someone are no longer compatible. You no longer can tolerate the same old jokes, same old problems and same old general bitchiness so you work to find a way to remove the negativity from your life. You hope for the best, that somewhere down the road they will find their sanity and their humanity again, but for now, you can’t be around them all the time anymore. Or maybe you can’t be around them at all. That usually hurts the most. I had a friend that she genuinely became a different person. There were several of us that hung out together but I was the “closest” so I had to step up and say basically that we weren’t going to follow her down the rabbit hole. Gone are the 3:00 AM I need help calls, you’ve used up all of those cards plus a few more. We love you and are here to help you but aren’t going to enable you anymore. She disappeared for about 6 months and resurfaced a bit worn but better for the ride. She thanked us. Other times I never hear from people again which is sad.

I give too many chances and I keep hope alive longer than I should at times. I know I have been taken advantage of because I am a “nice person”. It still baffles me that I can do everything in my power to help some people and they still say I did nothing or I am a horrible person. I say go ahead and spread your petty little lies because karma comes back around and the people who really want to know me, will find out who I really am. Then it is noted that I am not this mean and cruel person but the person who tried to make it look that way is now looking worse than how they tried to make me look.

I am by NO definition of a saint. Lord knows I have plenty of flaws and have no problem admitting them. In fact, I think it somewhat irritates people that I am that way. It’s hard to start drama when your lead player won’t follow the script!

I have rambled long enough. This should be a nice start. A place for the borders, my edges if you will.

I hope you all have a fantastic Tuesday my fabulous friends.

Always remember to keep hope alive!

 

 

 

New week and new beginnings… Hello Monday!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Hello my fabulous friends and welcome to the beginning of the week!

I am keeping hope alive for a good week in my graceless world!

I survived Chuck E Cheese at 10 AM on a Saturday! I am impressed and proud! Of course I had several fabulous humans helping me pull it off so shout out to woocy, rex & R for having my back! And it was so fun with all the kids and of course us big kids!

I basically got about 3.5 hours of sleep as my Atl girl didn’t get in til late so we had to chat til I was falling over, barely able to keep my eyes open but trying! I was decorating the cake with my woocy at 11 so being up at 2 was nothing. Ha!

I am realizing that while I may be fabulously graceless I need my beauty sleep, and not for beauty but just so that I may crawl forth from my bed and go out and be productive!

But I kept hope alive and I survived and had a blast!

Hearing my alarm clock going off today I am pushing for the “get on up and get moving” versus “just 5, 10, 20 more minutes….. crap I am late!” of my semi-normalness.

I am going for it’s going to be a Good Monday. Not just decent or making it through but I am aiming high for a Good Monday… maybe even excellent! You never know what life holds so I am going to keep my hope alive!

Good things are happening. I can feel it! I can see things moving on that I wasn’t sure what to do or what move to make. Just keep hope alive and do the right thing and it will work out!!

I am off to work, knit, write, get things done, be with the boy and have a Fabulous Monday!

Take care my friends and stay fabulous!

Sunday Peace to You All

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

wake up and live

Sunday’s child is full of grace.

I often think of this as I was born at 3:42 AM on a cold Sunday morning in December. I am sure my mother was not thinking about being full of grace when I entered this world at that time of the morning!

I try to go about being graceful, but there is a reason I chose the name fabulousgracelessness, it describes me so well.

grace n truth

I hope that today we all find a bit of grace.

I hope today we all find a bit of peace.

peace in heart

I hope today we all find a bit of happiness.

I hope everyone remembers to keep hope alive!

 

 

Sometimes I just don’t want to be an adult

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

i miss being a kid hair

I don’t feel like being an adult today. I wish someone could take over all of the responsibilities I have for just one day. Think about it. How it would feel to have no worries, be carefree, have everything taken care of and you don’t have to worry about a thing. I have no idea because I don’t think I could stop my mind or life from happening.

We go about our lives and sometimes we let our hair down and get crazy but we have to jump back on the adult train eventually. Sometimes it seems to take longer than others to get on board. Some people think they can “play adult” in certain areas and let others handle their responsibilities in others. Personally I can’t do that. My brain and soul won’t let me do it. I acknowledge each and every time someone else takes care of my business – be it with my finances, my child, my life – it does not matter I can’t “forget” someone else did something for me and when I can give back in whatever way is possible I will. I also thank them because I learned before I was an adult that when someone helps you that you should be grateful. Life isn’t yours to demand and take from others. Karma will slap you upside the head for that. Trust me!

Ahhh but to be carefree and child-like in life for a whole day and not worry… I think, I hope, I believe that that is possible.

carfree girl

The irony is it has to be planned, not spontaneous. I mean who else is going to make sure bills are paid, there is money in the bank for random “I want ice cream!” moments surely to come with being care free. A driver will be needed as will making sure the vehicle is working and ready for adventures if needed. I will need someone to cook, clean up (because honestly I can’t stand to see it out with all of my other fun stuff knowing it’s there waiting for me later). If I am really lucky there will be someone to make all those decisions for me and get me ready to go! Being a kid can be hard at time but you don’t realize how awesome it is until you’re an adult. You want to grow up. Once you grow up sometimes you want it back!

adult show your math

Can’t I be a kid for a day please? Just a 24 hour period where I can enjoy with no repercussions would be amazing!

But I can certainly dream.

And I always keep hope alive!

Have a fabulous day!

Fabulous Friday readying for weekend fun

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

b chaos

Its Friday my fabulously graceless friends!

No matter what happens I am keeping hope alive today, because for me and mine it’s the day the boys “aunties” come from TN & GA, the birthday party weekend where we get to see friends and family, make new friends and have fun.

We have been celebrating all week more or less.

It has not been a constant barrage of gifts because this crazy mama isn’t made of money, and even if I was I wouldn’t give the boy gifts all the time as he gets plenty of “surprises” in the off season when it isn’t a birthday or holiday. He realizes excess now and will go, “Oh yeah, I forgot I have all those toys, I am going to play with my Ninja Turtles” or whatever it is he wants to play with. I encourage him to be creative and not watch as much TV, it’s pretty much a split on who wins that one depending on time frames and other random things but I know he has a wickedly funny imagination. He “pretends” a lot. A costume that is one thing can often become something else in his fascinating mind. He got a TMNT costume for his birthday, it a little big, but I have a feeling things are going to get a bit more ninja like for a while around the house.

Did I mention his “aunties” are coming?! This is one of those things I’m excited about because they are my “sisters” and when they boy was born, have been there every step of the way for both of us. Tonight the boy will get to enjoy his mommy and aunties laughing hysterically and having fun. Saturday will be the night we get to stay up late since his party is in the morning. What was I thinking again? Oh yeah get it done and hang out with friends and of course, football! Roll Tide! 

So I am keeping this post short and sweet as this crazy mama needs here energy!

I hope that everyone has a fabulous Friday and an absolutely splendid weekend!

b ninja

 

 

I ended up watching the Republican Presidential Debates – just wow

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

So I chose to watch some of the Republican Presidential debate. Oh wow. It is a scary thing to view but there seems to be a common thread, they don’t like Hillary Clinton or too many members of the Democratic Party!

Since Fabulously Gracelessness is not wanting to get into a political debate or have folk bash me let me say I am just doing my research for the upcoming elections.

I am watching “the weeding” earlier than I think I have watched in a long time. I am totally fascinated. Of course I had to share my thoughts and observations.

I am the first to admit I do not know all the facts about everything that is going on in this world, nor all of the players who are running for the office of the President of the United States.

I do try to read up and learn more about world issues as well as problems and issues in our own country and my home state.

Watching the debate it is interesting to see how these men and the one woman respect each other, or not. They all cut each other off at times but how it is done and the words they use is different depending who they are addressing, snubbing or if they agree with another candidate, how they respond to them. Their body language and eye contact speaks volume of the person inside. It’s entertaining to see some of them gang up on others. Like they will leap frog over one, a wolf in sheep’s clothing agreeing, smiling, talking nice before they attempt their aggression and sparring amongst themselves. I enjoy watching the ones who can shut the others ones down. I like hearing the ones who truly know what is going on and seem to be respectful to those they are running against.

Of course before I write anything I have to fact check and do a bit of research. So I pulled up the website 2016.republican-candidates.org and the site had crashed. Seriously, so many people were looking it up apparently the site couldn’t handle the traffic, so I went to my trusty Wikipedia. I looked up the people who are running on the republican side, they were on the TV so it’s not like I am disregarding the Democratic Party candidates they were just not on at the moment. After reading about them and watching tonight I have a feeling I will be keeping a close eye on this election.

It’s fascinating to see how some people truly think they have a chance. For some of them I would love to see them get closer, if nothing else to be able to prove their worth or show their true colors. While others I feel are wasting time and shoving out people who may have otherwise had a shot.

I have laughed out loud at some and shouted at others. Seriously I wonder what medication a few were on. My 5 year old tells stories I can follow better than some of the folks running for our country’s highest office. At least follow the path from point A to point B. At first I thought it was me not understanding the topic, however the looks of the other candidates and the commentator made me feel better about that person having no idea what they were talking about.

We live in a scary world. I am raising my child in this world. I was enchanted by politics in my younger years, but was also somewhat rebellious citing “my vote doesn’t count”. I also did not moan and complain about our President like a lot of people did. I still participated in the states and communities lived in but when it came to national matters, I stayed quiet. I have voted in the last 4 elections and still don’t feel like my vote “matters” as much but I feel like I have done something more to help better society by raising my voice and saying “this is my opinion and this person is the closest match to how I feel about things.” Sadly I do feel like I can only chose the lesser of the two evils.

I remember how I would get so excited with the possibilities of the candidates and then when the final election came to pass I felt cheated. Even if the person I voted for (whether locally or nationally) won, I still felt like the ones who would have done a better job were shut out and shut down early on.

2 of the candidates are in my age bracket. That was such a sobering moment for me I actually had a few sips of an adult beverage!

I know I am an adult and I know that this is a possibility but to see it and hear it from the mouths of my generation kind of put a different perspective on things for me.

I have been more active in my community and state in a broader capacity than I ever was before. Maybe it’s my age or the fact I now have a child who will be living in the world we help mold, I don’t know but it scares the hell out of me. I now understand how my parents and grandparents felt and why it could get so volatile in conversations between the Democrats and Republicans in my family.

When in conversations with people I tread very, very lightly on the topic of politics and religion. I have seen first-hand how innocent comments can start heated debates. I have seen people who were friends look at each other with complete disgust due to their opinions and beliefs. It’s just as bad as Alabama and Auburn football feuds but on a bigger scale.

We ALL have different opinions, beliefs and feelings. Some are more personal than others. The problem is we forget our manners, as do politicians, and begin the judging and mudslinging more suited to high school than running for the office of President of the United States.

Maybe as I age I am more cynical but I am not sure that is it.

I truly do have hope. I continue my motto of Keep Hope Alive.

Sometimes hope is all we have.

I am sure I will have a few more thoughts on these topics as the elections continue.

I will keep watching the “weeding” following up to the primaries. It is always interesting and entertaining. Also a bit scary.

Keep Hope Alive!

Have a wonderfully fabulous day my graceless friends.

No control

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I realize I have no control.

No control over the weather nor the traffic. I have no control over the actions of others.

I delude myself into thinking I have control of my actions and words.

I have a pretty mask but sometimes it slips.

Falls right off and I don’t even realize it and keep going wondering why folks are looking at me all strange. It is within that moment that I realized the mask has dropped and my innerlogue has strolled out through my face. My mind races to catch up to the last few minutes of life. What did I say, do or how badly did I react to what was being said? The majority of the time I am fairly good at controlling how I react, especially in public. During a crisis or situation I feel like for the most part I handle myself well. Even in small groups with people when something is said or done by others that shocks me or angers me, the majority of the time I can keep my cool.

Yesterday I was with my client in her car, running errands and the battery died when I went to get the car ready for us to go to our last stops. It could be we had them on and forgot they were on and it drained the battery, but we will just go with the battery died.

I had a schedule to keep and was trying to field calls and texts for business and from friends and family. When I am with clients I try to not answer my phone or texts. My time is with them. However, sometimes I have to take a call or return a text. We were already past our standard hours so I took a few calls and responded to texts. For a bit over an hour we waited for the service to come but finally a good Samaritan showed up and got the car started. We had 3 more errands before I could take her home, pick up my boy and meet my friend who had come to visit from NA (Northern Alabama… for those who understand LA is Lower Alabama, see humor in the spaces!) I was flying through those errands like Andretti because I don’t like to be late in picking up the boy no matter how later the center is open and I thought I would be done with my client by 2 or 3 PM and it was going on 4 when we finally got juice back in the car.

And no, I didn’t turn it off at any stop after it was restarted due to fearing I would get stuck again & I couldn’t afford to be any later! I had lost control due to no doing of my own. My client remarked how calm I was and she was more worried than I was. No, I don’t think so. I just don’t show it because I wear the mask of calmness. I have been in enough situations in my life that flipping out on the outside doesn’t always go so well. Inside I am Freaking Out Completely but you do not see it. Sometimes those who know me know I am freaking out but handle it well.

Other times it falls out.

I was so fortunate that the fall out happened with my friend and she understands oh so well my maotic mind and erratic thoughts. It’s like I get with certain people and I know I make absolutely no sense with the word vomit I emit because I know I don’t need a filter. And chances are good they won’t be rushing me to the nearest psych unit to be “checked out.” I’m safe so to speak.

I don’t mean to put a mask on, I truly don’t.

I go through most of my life pretty much uncensored and unfiltered. I also have to censor and filter depending on who I am with. My child, my family and some friends I do not want to “offend”, shock or have them see that side of me. The side that isn’t always pretty. The one that doesn’t have control.

I have realized no one has control. No matter how hard they try, how regimented, organized and meticulous they are, life happens on life’s terms.

Most close to me have seen behind the mask. The loss of control. It even happens in public on occasion.

I don’t really “lose my mind” and flip out on folks. Not much anyway and I’m not a violent person really… other than if you mess with my kid, family, friends or sometimes in traffic if I don’t have the boy I will let words fly. But no violence.

I don’t get into screaming at folks to get my point across, so losing it on someone would involve words, maybe cutting or harsh, but not physically.

I realize I have no control.

I am getting better with it. Accepting it. Learning from it. Embracing it.

And I always Keep Hope Alive.

Have a fabulous Wednesday My Graceless Friends!

 

 

 

OHMERGOSH IT’S ONLY TUESDAY!!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Hello again my fabulous friends!

I hope – OHMERGOSH IT’S ONLY TUESDAY!

I keep thinking it’s later in the week though Tuesday is good too!

This week is the Celebration of my Boy who turned 5 yesterday which means he gets to basically party all week with friends and family. Saturday is his big party at one of those kid places where you may need to take a nerve pill or have a drink before you go… and I scheduled it for that morning because obviously there is something wrong with me! Besides the need to make sure everyone can catch their football game because me and mine love to sleep! Ah-ha no rest for the wicked! That’s it!

When I started blogging, 5 days shy of 4 months; I originally thought I would post several times a day but at least daily. We all have dreams! HA Seriously I did make a promise to myself that I would post at least once a day. Not for recognition, although that would be lovely, but because I love writing and I needed a commitment to do it for myself. No one else nor any other reason.

It isn’t always easy. I have lists and pages of topics to write on. So many things that mean something to me. There are also dates of significance and days that mean something. I seem to be sharing my life more than I thought I would. I do have friends and family that say, “don’t write about this” but also “you should write about this.” It’s is a fine line let me tell you. People thinking it’s about them or others they know, that can be good or bad depending! But it’s my thoughts, my writings, my ramblings and rants. I love it!

I love getting emails from friends, making new friends and getting “followers”, it’s so exciting to me! I am so very thankful and grateful!

That said today I am keeping it short and sweet!

Between the boy, my jobs and writings I have a bit of a full plate today. Of course I love it all!

Don’t’ forget always Keep Hope Alive!

Stay Fabulous!

 

9/11/01 – I can never forget

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

never forget 9 11 01

As I started to write my post I remembered the date. September 11, 2015.
It’s Friday. I usually write about happy Friday randomness or whatever strikes my fancy to let flow.
However, I can’t Not acknowledge what this date means to me. How my life and my perspective on life change that fateful day, September 11, 2001, as I am sure it did for countless others.
I have/do write in journals. I keep all of my journals from the past 15ish years close by me and read them randomly. Sometimes they call to me to re-read certain time periods or situations. I feel it is so I can reflect and maybe even learn from them. Or maybe I am to share them.
In January of 2001 I moved to California, specifically the Berkeley area. I lived with my then husband and several friends as it wasn’t cheap living out there, but it seemed so much more “free” in many ways than living in the south. I can’t explain it. I was 30 years old and felt like I needed a new adventure in my life. We had friends out there so why not just go? So we packed up our home, put it in storage and took a tiny trailer and our cat and moved to California. I have read and re-read that journal so many times the cover is starting to fall apart. So many experiences of life and seeing things through a different perspective. Also reading it now 14 years later still blows my mind. One of my favorite books I read that year was the “Tibetan Art of Parenting”. I was into trying to find out who I was and praying for a child. I was also writing but only in my journal. I was stepping outside of my comfort zone, trying new things, meeting new people.
Three days before the fateful events of 9/11/01 I had written in my journal about truly living life and that many things of this world were an illusion. How time is valuable but we don’t always notice it until there is a time limit placed on your life to force you to get on with things.
Direct excerpts from my journal 9/11/01 – please forgive the fragmented sentences:
“AM – west coast – the World Trade Center is no more. Part of the Pentagon has collapsed, terror attack on the U.S. – can’t even think of going into work. No one is. Always knowing your country wasn’t “secure” yet being told it was… I don’t like being right. It’s getting later, almost 11AM here, and nothing as of yet on the west coast. Will there be? Questions. Everyone is jumpy and edgy. News of joy over what happened to the US in Gaza. Now we know what it is like for them.
This has happened before, it will happen again unless we do something.
A dream fragment from being ripped awake this morning by roomie, “weird stuff going on I am sorry you need to get up”.
Flash of a plane, a man of maybe middle eastern decent screaming with “important brass& Showing the world.” Time wasn’t there.
Later – I finally talked to several friends and family on the east coast and everyone is freaked. Fragments of this day pass through my mind. This tragedy of Armageddon is bringing folks together. Over 10,000 dead they are saying… that is horror. Life continues but change has happened. I am drained. I have cried off and on all day. I cannot imagine what it is like for others. The death and destruction. The United States of American has been shaken to the core. I am freaked out, but not terrorized because I cannot let them have my faith, my soul. I am touched by the humanity shown all over the US. The fact we were “impenetrable” was just an illusion. Maybe this was needed. We are far from blemish free.”
Today I feel that no words can articulate how I feel yet I know that I can say 9/11/01 We will NEVER forget.
I know for me the course of my life changed. I know that my prayers and dreams of being a mother finally happened. I know that I was able to do the things in the following pages, “apologize to your parents, send letters and call friends and family and tell them you love them, never give up on your dreams, keep in touch with those you love, never forget 9/11/01 and always keep hope alive.” I know that my dream of writing is happening now. I know I can remind you to never forget.
Sending out thoughts of peace, hope and tranquility,
I remain the Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos

9 11 remember childs hand