I write…


I have been writing since I was 3. I was around 5 when I started writing in journals, so for about 40 years I have been writing down my feelings. Even when my feelings consisted of getting Barbie’s dream house and flying a rocket ship while being a veterinarian. What?! I had big dreams. I may not have gotten the Barbie dream home, rocket ship or become a vet, however, I have never stopped writing. I have written some pretty crazy things… short stories, love notes, articles, poems, letters, papers. I still have journals from when I was a child.

People ask me what I was thinking about or if I was talking about so & so. Sometimes I have a specific subject in mind but other times I pull from so many sources – mine, friends, family and those that I have heard or read about.

Since starting my blog it has proven to be a challenge to write daily. Add to it when I write on a personal level or say something and some people thinks it’s about them, someone else or that something is “wrong”.

It can get quite irritating to get the “I know this was about me” or “Why would you write about that? It’s too personal.”

I write so much from my soul. I can write about almost anything. I can’t Not write. Now that I have my blog it gives me an avenue to let it out. Sometimes I think if I don’t get it out, then I will blow up or lose my mind even further!

There are times I feel that no matter what I write, I will get some sort of negative feedback. I am realizing I can’t please everyone. I can’t even come close to trying. This, I am learning, is where I stop apologizing and keep writing how I feel.

For the most part, I write after I hear, experience, or learn about things. Sometimes, though, I write during an experience to get through it. I may use it in my blogs. I do have pieces that may or may not get posted and others that I wrote to keep my sanity. Those pieces may never be read by anyone but I had to write them in order to get past something or get my feelings out.

I have been asked why I don’t just publish or post certain pieces. Just because I write and have a blog doesn’t mean I share every part of who I am and every thought that goes through my head. Honestly I think I would be committed if every thought, every word I wrote was put out there to be read and scrutinized and picked apart. I could use a few days at a spa, one with padded cells in not what I am going for!

Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and mine happens to be writing. Just because I put it in my journal doesn’t mean I wrote it for everyone. My journals are mine. They are private. Everyone who knows me knows that. It isn’t for anyone but me. I get so much out of going back and re-reading how I was thinking or feeling in my life. It’s like I downloaded my thoughts and emotions and I can go back and remember exactly how I felt. I may share a part of it, but for anyone to go open my journal and read it would be like me walking into someone’s home and going through their things without permission. I have seriously flipped on the 2 occasions it’s happened in my life.

Even the boy knows those are off limits. It wasn’t even something he went back to and asked again. I told him once, “No, those are mommy’s and you are welcome to have your own journal or diary to write your feelings in. I promise I won’t read it.” Of course he’s 5 and he shows me every little thing so it isn’t private for him. Oh if only it would stay that way! But he has not yet asked again if he could look at them or write in them.

I guess I write because it’s such a part of me. I write because I feel compelled to do so. I write to share, entertain and try to keep a bit of myself sane.

I write and I keep hope alive. Always.

 

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I’m sorry but not and I am working on that


sorry

Sometimes I feel like I am constantly apologizing to people for things that are out of my control.

I am sorry I was late there was a wreck and I left in plenty of time. I am sorry you misunderstood me when I said I had an appointment and couldn’t meet yet you showed up anyway and acted put out when I wasn’t in the office. I am sorry you can’t read a map. I am sorry you’re having a bad day. I am sorry that your neighbor smashed your car and you can’t get to work… this happened yesterday and you are calling me 2 hours before you shift? I am sorry that person you really wanted to show up didn’t, maybe they had to work but I’m here for you. I’m sorry your friend can’t have a conversation with a woman unless she is flat chested. It’s not like I am wearing a low cut shirt. I’m sorry you felt my writing was something it’s not. I’m sorry I didn’t word that sweet enough to take the sting out. I’m sorry I can’t hang but I have to work as nights are the only time I can seem to do certain work. I’m sorry that life happened when we were making plans.  I’m sorry we can’t go because we don’t have the funds to go and I am not trying to be a Debbie downer.

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.

I’m sorry that I keep apologizing because after so many times it doesn’t sound sincere.

After saying I’m sorry for so many things in which blame is placed upon me and it truly isn’t my fault I feel like a broken record.

I was born to be a southern belle. The manners, the clothes, the hostess, the endless giving and the suppression of how I feel over how others feel. Some of those things aren’t so bad. And not saying how I really feel to protect other people’s feelings isn’t bad as long as I am not harming them or being untrue to myself. I am a very welcoming and giving person. It wasn’t just the southern upbringing either. If you brought your friends or family to my home and I served a meal and it was too hot I would apologize. If it was too salty or too whatever, I would profusely apologize. *For the record I did not make the southern belle cut. I was too brutally honest but nice and apologized for being so honest!

It’s a disease I have and I am working on curing it!

All too often I find myself and others, mostly women, who tend to apologize to soothe over hurt feelings and to diffuse situations.

I’ve noticed a pattern and when I am with another “apologetic” soul, I see myself when they get to the “let’s make them feel better” stage. Sometimes it makes people feel better and they stop griping about something. Other times a kind word and an apology, even though you both know the one issuing said apology is not the one who is at fault, can make all the difference in how someone’s day plays out.

But the insincere apologies and the apologies for things not our fault have got to stop!

One day you’ll find yourself apologizing to the telemarketer that called during family dinner because you were short with them and they got their feeling hurt. Everyone knows you can get off nicely with them and don’t have to apologize in the process! Since I dabbled in telemarketing and felt horrible about calling at dinner time I get it. However, when one acts rudely and put out because you don’t want to hear their pitch right in the middle of your aunt’s story of finding one of her kids in the dryer, you have to face reality. It’s okay to be nice and polite but to tell them to not call you during those hours. It’s okay to say No you don’t want to buy anything. If they persist tell them you only do business on the 2nd Tuesday of every 4th month during the full moon and to have a nice night. Then gently press the end button.

I’m just saying sometimes I am so over “I am sorry.”

I will keep hope alive that I can break myself of this bad, bad habit!

 

welcome to fabulous graceless repeat


Welcome to Fabulous Gracelessness!

*from the about me section and an oldie I will find the rest of the poem one day! It’s one of the side effects of writing for so many years and keeping it all stored in notebooks, a few published I can’t find either – makes me kind of crazy as I know they are in boxes in my house somewhere!

 Come right on in, you must find the time

Experience the chaos inside of my mind

Feel the joy, taste the fear

Timeless tales play here all year

No walls in front, no walls surround

Let yourself go and let your mind break down.

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*artwork by Rev. Joe Attaway – “Fallen from Grace”

Keep Hope Alive!

Sometimes I just want to scream


silence scream

Sometimes I just want to scream.

I know that sometimes I feel that if I start I am unsure if I can stop.

It can be over nothing or something I have no control of, or the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

The scream starts in my core. I feel it traveling up my body and my mouth opens.

It falls out, faster, harder. It isn’t so much a scream as it is a roar.

Maybe it’s nothing related to anything else but it takes me hostage. I feel it inside eating me up and it needs release.

This scream.

This guttural primal sound that comes from within racking my body like blows from a whip and twisting me up so tight I might explode.

The release of the scream is my salvation.

The verbal sounds of my system overload.

It is soothing, calming even.

That is how it plays out in my mind.

In reality, it is silent.

Sometimes I don’t want to be rational, civil or calm. Sometimes I want to let it play out in reality like it plays out in my head.

Danger or not, I wonder how it would be?

Be careful holding things inside.

When you hold it in too long and then let it out damage can be done.

Adulting is something I sometimes really don’t want to do.

Keep hope alive.

Be fabulous.

Scream.

Lady Maos

 

 

 

Be a better me, be a better friend…. just BEing better


friendship muhammad ali

In trying to be a better human being I have been working on me. How I react to situations, how I try to stop my mind and listen to another person, how I come across, how to have more patience and be more compassionate, how I work like hell to control my facial expressions and responses… barely over half-way into the first of 12 months and I will say some things are going fabulously well. Using my focus word/s – creative and creativity – I am viewing life from different perspectives and handling things better. In other areas I completely suck. I won’t go so far as to say complete failure but there are a few things I have let slip by that I should have already gotten done.

So here’s a newsflash, Fabulous Gracelessness is not always so fabulous. I am human and I am flawed.

Fortunately for me, so is pretty much everyone else I know. No one is immune to being flawed. No one is “perfect”. It takes some of the stress off of me, yet I still aim to be better. But definitely Not perfect.

Nope, I can’t hit that note nor am I even gonna try!

I have found those people I connect with are those people who get me and accept me for who I am. Fabulously, flaky faults and all.

The reason this works is because I accept them too.

friend weird yep i like this one

It’s a two-way street.

Let’s not get things twisted, we all have irritations and things that may or may not drive the other crazy, but it’s those very things we chose to accept about the other person. It’s saying I accept this about you and I will not hold it against you. I know you don’t do this and I don’t like that but we accept each other and respect each other. For all of the things we have in common, the differences that complement each other and the things that we don’t have to agree with but the person means more than this flaw. It isn’t a “deal-breaker”.

That level of trust and friendship. The partnerships with other human beings. That is hands down one of the coolest things about this life experience is those we share this journey with and how those relationship play out.

I have people in my life that have known me since birth and those first 10 years on the planet, to junior high and high school friends, my 20’s, 30’s and I keep finding friends. It’s just how I am. I collect people but not in the body-in-the-freezer kind of way.

frienships never change

I am fortunate in those relationships that have withstood time and situations just as I am blessed to have those new or reconnected folks in my world.

One of the things I am doing is making sure I get to get in touch and actually see some of these amazing people, my people. There are some that I don’t get to see due to distance or psycho schedules, but that I can at least talk to more on the phone.

See, it’s because I never lose hope. Keep Hope Alive. It’s my motto and it is such a part of me and who I am.

keep hope alive keeps you alive

Each day I get a little better. Each day I find my own flaws. Each day I am happy to be alive.

Have a fabulous day!

 

thoughts from my mind…


Staring into space I forget what I’m doing

Goals to accomplish, life’s going on, it’s time for me to get moving

My brain will stop and fade out and in

Conversing can be hard, I’m so thankful for my friends

The ones, along with some family, who understand my oddities

And who accept the quirks of me

It’s not to say I don’t come with irritations

Life, we understand, comes with certain limitations

Sometimes we push too much, we try to go too far

Forget we need to stop and rest, like fuel needed in a car

I go and go and run and run and keep going ‘til I can’t

Then I stop and breathe, take a rest and I listen to the rants

I laugh; I cry and sometimes try to reason

I forget that in this journey of life, everything has a season

I wonder if in finding mine I will lose more than I’ll gain

The words that creep into my mind is “there is no joy without the pain”

It fills me with awe, these words from me, that fall right from my mind

Straight to my finger tips to share my thoughts in kind

Those meant to share will walk with me this journey all the way

Others will walk a while with me then find their place to stay

My gypsy soul, my warped, sweet mind guides me on my path

The karma, love and things I see, protect me from the wrath

Of those who lives who set a course in life to hurt and harm others

For me I see us all as one family, with many sisters and brothers

Of course, there’s mothers and fathers too along with friends and lovers

We all are one big family, this interwoven cover

To live, to love and show compassion

To keep hope alive and take action

To stand for those who cannot stand and follow through

To bare my soul for all to see and to do what I say I will do

 

 

Fun, Fabulous and Finally Friday!


Halleluiah it’s Finally Fabulous Friday!

finally friday

It’s not that I don’t have work to do but it’s the hope that I will be “done” when this workday is over. As in, off the clock kind of done. I do love my job but I feel like I have been “on” for two weeks and I guess technically I have. The type of work I do, I get too into it and really need to step away sometimes. It doesn’t mean I won’t still worry, but it means I am not the one who is responsible for our clients and I am not the one on call after 5:00! Carrying the weight of being responsible for someone else’s welfare is stressful.

I can promise you I am not in it for the money because this calling I have to take care of others does not pay as much as my project management job in telecom that I had previously. I love what I do now and before I didn’t love what I did but I needed the paycheck.

When I got laid off due to industry wide layoffs in the fall of 2014, I was a little freaked about not getting a regular paycheck, not counting unemployment for a few months, but I was actually relieved. The stress and the plain meanness of some people in the industry had done me in after only 3.5 years.

It is sad that the industry of taking care of others pays so little. Our daycare workers, teachers and caregivers get paid the lowest amounts yet they are the ones we entrust the very lives of our loved ones with. I know in caregiving in general, even in private pay, the average person can only allot so much for care.

I have families that need someone 24/7 but can only afford 8-10 hours a day. I have people who have no one and just need someone to take them to an medical appointment because you can’t drive yourself if you have anesthesia. I have people who can no longer drive and need someone to take them places. I have others who just need companionship for their loved ones. I have others that should be under medical care but can’t, or won’t, go the extra mile so they get someone to come in and “sit” with their loved one to “help out”.

4 types of people

I work with people who have loved ones who need the care, but want to tell me how it needs to be done and they don’t listen to the person receiving the care of how they want it done. Awkward!

I have employees who don’t show, walk off or quit calling in. I wonder if they would do it if the roles were reversed. I wonder how they made it as long in the industry as they have. I wonder why they ask for work only to turn it down or not show. I question, if I hired them, why I didn’t pick up on those flaws.

One of the people I work with, after talking to me and hearing me answer several other calls and taking care of caregivers and client needs, said, “Well I guess that’s why they pay you the big bucks.” I calmly looked at her and said, “We don’t discuss pay with each other but I can guarantee I am not in this for the money, therefore I am not making the big bucks.” She thought I was offended but I was amused.

Anytime you say the word “manager” in your title it is automatically assumed that you make a lot of money. I am not sure why this is. I do know several management jobs that don’t pay squat and others that pay mega bucks. I am closer to the squat side that the mega side and I am truly okay with that because in my soul I am at peace with what I do every day.

Yes, I love my job but today, I am thankful it is Friday!

never give up

It is a fantastically, fabulous, rainy Friday but we made it!

And all because I always Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

Things to not do on an interview… yes, you lady with the club clothes on!


I have been doing interviews for several weeks where I work.

I do an extensive phone interview with most applicants and go with my gut feeling. For the most part, it has served me well finding folks that fit the needs of certain clients and others who will be a great fit for our team. I am human. I make mistakes in my “gut feelings” sometimes. Other times, I am just in shock at some of the things I have heard and seen from ladies applying for jobs.

I am not even close to being a fashion diva. Diva maybe a bit, but fashion is not my thing. I am often thrilled when someone compliments me on whatever I have thrown together. I try to look decent as I am working with clients and potential clients as well as marketing my company to the public. I am always clean and somewhat put together. Sometimes I have crazy hair and my makeup may not be perfect. I am just impressed that I care enough to put on makeup for a job!

With that said I realized some people have no clue when it comes to applying for employment. No matter what field you are in, there are just certain things that you may want to consider when going in to fill out an application.

As the majority of the applicants have been female, I am often thrown for a loop when meeting people at the office by their appearance

Please know I am not “judging” but am responding to what I have seen repeatedly. Some of it I can’t un-see and my retinas still burn.

I don’t know your situation, you finances or your beliefs.

I do know that some of you are actually trying to better yourself and get a job.

However there are others who like to say they are trying to better themselves and get a job but I question whether they really mean it all the time or just in the moment.

I have spoken to several folks on the phone that is all enthusiastic and open and wanting to work. We sometimes talk longer if we get on a common thread. These people I put little stars by their names and notes of what we discussed. I tell them when they come into the office we can further discuss, but that it is just mostly paperwork and a face to face to see if we feel like it’s a fit for both of us.

I may not be able to put someone to work straight away, but having good people on your team is key to being able to provide the service my clients need.

I always have some to reschedule and also no calls/no shows. Thanks to those who wasted my time. If you can’t bother to at least call, I can’t bother to reschedule. You better have a good reason as to why you left me hanging.

I get ladies who come in and look like they are going out to a club. It’s 10:30 in the morning and I really don’t know too many clubs open at that time. You do look nice and maybe if it was a late afternoon interview and you were going out, but no. You tell me how you use to work at the bank or in retail and miss getting dressed up to go to work. Yes, I do ask theme where they worked as I can’t help but wonder who dresses like this to go to work in the morning.

I actually had a lady show up with her husband in tow who was acting like her manager, right down to filling out her application. She was dressed like she was going out with tons of jewelry, coat purse and dress that was way too short for that time of the morning. All I could think was, “Did I really make an appointment with this person? Why is he here and for the love of Pete why is he answering the questions I am asking her?” There were no stars by her name after the interview!

Then there are those who clearly do not wear makeup on a regular basis. I get it as the stuff can be confusing to apply. I once ordered the spray on makeup from the home shopping network but was wise enough to only attempt it with a friend when we weren’t going anywhere. It totally sucked by the way and I don’t like any sprays around my face. It was a dumb idea I realize. But your day of interview is not the time to try smoky eyes and that new foundation that looks as if it could be scrapped off with a spoon.

Also, no more tight clothes that show every curve you have. For that matter, all your nooks and crannies too. Just stop. You cannot think that looks professional in any way. Not even business casual can cover whatever skin tight ensemble you have tossed together.

I know the messy hair, don’t care thing is in too. My “sleek” ponytail as you called it is me running late and not wanting to deal with the medusa like substance on my head. But my hair is clean and I am not sporting the laid back, nearly pajama style that you are. I get we wear scrubs to the job and they are fine for interviews, scrubs Not pajamas. Also, you are not Kate Moss and the “messy” look makes you appear that you just got out of bed and made zero effort to even look as though you attempted to do anything with your clothes and hair.

I wonder if I am out of line even writing this, but I know I am not alone in feeling this way.

Even wearing jeans with a nice top and being clean, and easy on the perfume, is so much better than club clothes, tight clothes and pajamas!

I am just trying to help out my fellow females.

It isn’t like I won’t hire someone for how they are dressed. I won’t hire someone who doesn’t think about the job they are interviewing for and acting completely crazy once they get in front of me. This isn’t the “being nervous” for the interview crazy either. I do not want to know your life story from DNA up, your menstrual cycle and every lover you ever had. I may laugh with you, but I am marking up “tells too much personal info and has drama she shares” on my paperwork. Those topics have nothing to do with the job you are applying for.

We all make fashion faux pas; trust me I make them weekly! But when I work I am professional. I am not look like the magazine fashionista, but I can guarantee I look clean and put together for the most part!

Have you ever had to do crazy interviews with people like this? Have you ever been this person?

Sometimes it’s hard, but I always keep hope alive!

Genderless toy aisles, George Carlin and raising my boy


It seems lately George Carlin is running back through my head again. I like remembering George and all of his rants and insights.

I loved his creativity of being able to convey and articulate his thoughts and views into monologues that were not only hysterically funny, but also made you think.

So often now we have everyone being politically correct so they don’t “offend” groups of people. I understand that some PC is needed; however it really gets out of hand for some things.

A perfect example, in my humble opinion, is the “genderless” toy aisles at Target. No more pink and blue to” jump” out at you as to make you go to one aisle or the other. Now you just wander up and down the aisles looking for that certain toy. I do wonder if they are going to just put a bland background as I still see all the pink Barbie stuff and the My Little Pony sets aren’t exactly oozing with “gender neutral” colors. Neither are the Ninja Turtles or Jurassic World toys. I have to wonder does it really matter?

My son who is 5 and very much a boy will sometimes, when I let him in the toy department, cruise up and down all of the isles of toys as he wants to see what there is. He often stops at the Doc McStuffins section as he loves the show and I have no problem with him imagining being a vet or doctor. It does not matter to me that Doc McStuffins is a girl or that the majority of the toys are pink and it doesn’t matter to him either. We look at everything including the little kid toys. We talk about what he likes and what you

We wander down most of the aisles when I allow him to go into that department. Seriously, when we go to a super Target or if I have to go to Walmart instead of the local grocer, there is no going to check out the toy department unless there is extra time, and there is an agreement sealed in blood that he will not ask for Anything. Period, nothing, nada.

Life is challenging enough and he has to learn you don’t get a treat just for going into a store that sells toys. I don’t get a treat for going to get the basics.

Not to say we don’t have fun or I don’t give him a “treat”,

Here, hold your go-gurt and be happy! Oh look, the good string cheese! You can totally hold that whilst we cruise the store to get the things we need.

We have wants and we have needs.

We do not need a toy. We need milk and cheese. Sometimes we need ice cream so we have that stocked too. It doesn’t mean that he gets ice cream all the time either, or popcorn. Yes we have it if needed, sometimes as a dessert and sometimes just because we want it.

Maybe I see things differently now because of him. I have always tried to be aware of how others are and be considerate of others without leaving out who I am. I admit I now tone myself down a bit. Just a tish, but not too much.

He watches me and studies how I react and view things. It’s kind of freaky and I am still in shock they just let me take him home after I had him. “Here you go! Have fun with him and try not to screw him up too bad!” No manual or instructions. It isn’t easy but it’s worth every second.

I guess that’s why teaching him empathy and compassion are top priority for me. Along with a dash of sarcasm and how to handle it when life isn’t as fabulous as we would like it to be. And always about love. No matter what.

As far as being PC, we will just have to see what the situation is.

And for me, I am always keeping hope alive!

 

sweet sleep


sleep

So many nights I wish for sleep and though my body and being is tired, sometimes exhausted more than usual, I cannot sleep.

I can close my eyes and my mind goes. It’s like a movie that changes from scene to scene every few seconds. Maos.

Sleep restores the body and soul.

Sometimes it is so hard to just slow my mind and make my body completely relax. I get so keyed up and often for no reason. Okay I admit, I do a lot of “my things” at night after everyone is in bed and often my brain is more creative and flexible. I can usually get things done and go right into REM pretty darn quick because I most likely will have to be up for something!

I usually can just fall asleep because I know sleep is precious and it heals and helps me. If a situation calls to be dealt with the next day, I can usually handle what I can and then go to bed and pass out.

mothers no sleep

Maybe it’s one of the side effects of having a child but when he’s sleeping and it’s late and I know I have to get both of us up in the morning, I will sleep. If I know I have to be at work or get something done I go to sleep as early as I can, like by 11-ish cause I am a night owl, because I am Not a morning person.

I can be cordial and polite, heck I can even get things accomplished and be around other people without saying something rude early in the mornings but oh it’s so much easier and better with just a little sleep!

So my wish for everyone today is to get some fabulous sleep in because believe me it’s precious! I need sleep in order to live better!

Keep Hope Alive!

Oh and I put this little gem on my nightstand, a bit of artwork from the boy that just speaks to me!

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