fabulous gracelessness

It’s not there, it’s there, it’s gone, you miss it

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Have you ever gone without something and suddenly it’s in your life and when you don’t have it around you miss it? It can be a device, a food, a place, a person, an animal or situation.

It doesn’t matter because I have noticed that if you go along in life and you discover something that touches something so deeply in you it is natural for you to want more.

It can be your fancy phone, peanut butter banana ice-cream, a friend or someone you love, a dog or suddenly taking care of someone you weren’t expecting to see but love doing it. It can be Anything but I can guarantee once you have it in your world, it becomes a part of you and when it is gone you miss it.

Maybe you didn’t do anything but suddenly the phone breaks.

They run out of that ice cream.

Your friend steals from you.

The love of your life has to move away from you.

Your dog decides to take up with the neighbors.

You care recipient gets well and no longer needs you there.

Then what? How do you react?

You can get a new phone.

You can live without that particular ice cream though it may be hard.

But your friend, your love, your dog and the one you care for… those are more personal. Those hurt more when they are gone.

Maybe your friend will be honest and come clean. You can re-build that relationship.

Maybe your love will get to stay or you get to go with them.

Maybe your dog will come home.

Maybe you realize you need to care for others and find a new calling.

There are so many maybes.

There is so much hope.

Life is sudden. It is slow, fast, violent, sweet, loving, obscene, painful, and bitter and so much more.

Life Is.

Make the most of it and enjoy those that you love while you have it.

You never know when the ride will end.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Inspiration

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

There is so much that inspires me.

People, places, situations, relations, observations.

LIFE.

Sometimes my creative mind seems to stop.

I can see bits and pieces of the movies in my mind but I can’t find a way to see the whole picture.

In my writings it comes out as shorts and fragmented pieces. It makes sense to me but I know it often doesn’t to others.

I feel more motivated lately.

I realized how much happier I am enjoying life than being a slave 24/7 to work and deadlines. I am beginning to find some sort of balance even with movable parts and constant change. I am learning a new normal that flows most of the time.

The people come from all corners of the world and my life. Some who know each other and some don’t. Some who I don’t know but feel like I do hearing their stories shared by those I love to me, knowing I may write but I would never reveal the who or why.

Life is inspiring.

Sometimes you just have to find a new perspective.

There will always be fragments, but there will always be sources of inspiration as well.

Keep Hope Alive.

 

May flowers

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

daisy flowers

Today is the first day of May

According to the rhymes and stories we should begin seeing the May flowers if we aren’t already seeing those beautiful blooms springing up after all of the April showers

Depending on where you live you may have had rain or snow… or maybe it was dry where you are

I felt the rains of April deep in my bones

I know the storms aren’t over but I am looking forward with hope and faith

I’m looking for those May flowers and the beauty they hold

purple flowers

 

 

I can’t write and molly coddle any more… I just can’t

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I open my mind and the feelings pour onto the page. I cannot stop my flow of thought any more than I can stop the wind or the rain.

I am tired, so very tired, of trying to censor my thoughts. I am completely done with hand holding and molly coddling because someone may “think” the wrong thing about what I am writing.

10 minutes, 10 days or ten years you may have known me but you do not know what I really mean from these thoughts. They are only what you perceive them to be. I could be exuberant of I could be cutting it all depends on what I am feeling and how it comes out from me.

You and yOu and yoU and YOU… all think that I speak of You. Yet it isn’t You, but yOu. Or is it yoU? Maybe YOU?

For me all that matters is being able to try and articulate my perceptions, thoughts and feelings.

It is a cleansing, a spewing, an emptying if you will. It is what I do and how I do it. I may try to bring you into my mind or I may leave it up for your interpretation. I may not even being saying anything more than random utter nonsense.

I may be writing for another, expressing their pain through my writing because they cannot and know I would never betray my confidences but yet their pain becomes my pain. Therefore I can only chose to get it out the best way I know how before it eats at my soul and takes root in the seeds of depression that have come of their cleansing.

For that is a part of who I am and how I tick, the taking on of the emotions and feelings of others. It is another layer of me. I can turn it down but I can never turn it off. I am not sure that I want to though at times I have thought about it. I was able to stop the dreams for a time, but I realized that a part of me was under nourished and withering by trying to suppress something that is in me, has always and will always be a part of me. Even if I don’t want it to be it is there. By denying it, I was denying my soul the nourishment from that source and making my mind more miserable. Slowly I let myself dream. I learned from myself and am still healing.

We do things to help others and are our own worst enemies because we don’t give ourselves the basic components of what we need to be us. We give our money, our time, our very selves to others yet we don’t take enough time to do some very basic things for ourselves, whatever that may be.

My choice to write a public blog and put it out there: to be loved, hated, criticized or ignored was a growth within me from years of cultivation of life experience of mine and others. For me it took a huge amount of faith in myself to believe I could do it. And I have done it and continue to do so.

As I slide towards the one year mark of blogging, I am learning more and more what I need to do as a blogger and a writer.

I need to stop worrying and molly coddling and hand holding and “what if” second guessing myself and what I write. Only then will I be able to be the best writer I can be. It isn’t just blogging, but in all aspects of my writing and my very existence.

So all of the you’s worrying, just stop. It isn’t worth it.

I’m working on me and healing my soul and sharing my thoughts, feelings, rants, poems, goofiness and sometimes even useful information.

Fabulous Gracelessness, Lady Maos, Crazy Mama that I am, I am still only human. I still have flaws. They are just a bit fabulous though.

I don’t plan to stop any time soon.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Filter-less

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

To live my life without filters. I wonder how that would go? If I actually said every thought that crossed my mind, how many people would be offended/mad/happy/laugh? I wonder.

If every piece I wrote was put out on display for all to see, would some be offended? Would there be backlash? Would I get calls/texts/emails asking if I was “OK”? I know I would get, “Who are you talking about?” I know some people would think it was them… they may be right and they may be wrong. I take my experiences and wrap them together. They could span days or years and be a culmination of my feelings as a whole, not for a particular circumstance. Or I could be taking the  experience shared by another and writing about it.

I am working very hard to tear down the walls of my filter. I have the problem of when I speak letting my thoughts just roll straight out of my mouth, however I find myself censoring my writing. I’m strange that way. Somehow I need to find that balance.

I need to not worry so much when I write that someone may be offended or concerned. I need to worry more when I speak than when I write.

I need to stop this censorship of self. I need to let go of the filters. I need to be me.

Go with the flow and seize the day!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

Go with the flow!

Seize the day, the moment… the very seconds for that’s all we have.

We aren’t promised tomorrow.

People leave when you are least expecting it even when it’s expected. Relationships have become so disposable that when some people meet others, they feel that if the person doesn’t work out – friend, lover, spouse – they can just leave and move on.

I’m not wired that way.

I understand people change. We all do.

Sometimes people are only meant to be in your life for a certain amount of time to teach you things. Sometimes you wonder what those things are and you may not always know right away. Sometimes you may never find out.

I do know that you just need to enjoy this life we’ve been given and go with the flow.

Keep hope alive!

 

Reality of dreams and keeping hope alive

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

It has been a heck of a week and we finally made it to Friday!

It seems like there is so many things to do and try to finish before the end of the day.

It feels overwhelming at times when you want to make sure all of your responsibilities are taken care of and all you want to do is just chill.

I try to relax and just go with the flow.

I really do.

Right now so many wonderful things are happening in my life.

Some days it feels like a dream because I am experiencing dreams coming to life. It is exciting, terrifying and exhausting!

It is the most amazing feeling I’ve ever had before.

Things are happening, not as I thought they would happen or ever even had a prayer of going the direction of how it I saw it going but it’s flowing as how should happen… and it feels so “right” deep down I can’t fathom it sometimes.

Along the way of keeping it going, I have to sacrifice as well, as I knew I would because realities of dreams are realities. They aren’t the dreams of the lotto win and immediate release of responsibilities & all the troubles magically go away kind. I’m me I can’t have it like that!

Plus working for it, pushing myself, my boundaries, my very core is making the euphoria of seeing dreams come to fruition, even when it doesn’t seem to happen fast enough, is worth is all. If it came any faster I may pass out trying to get all my preparations done by some deadline.

That’s the beautiful thing about dreams that become a reality. You are allowed to let it happen on your time.

Life moves pretty fast, you have to choose at what pace you want to be in the game.

Keep hope alive!

 

 

My life, plans and oh yes, adulting is not for me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

IMG_8706

Sometimes it is so hard to believe where I am in my life.

When you’re young you see life going a certain way. Even then I knew that life happened and I that things did not always go as plans.

I surely didn’t expect my life to be the way it is now, however although there are things I am working on improving and changing, I like where I am.

I was always one for taking the road less traveled so to speak. I seemed to think if I was told to not do it, I would do it. I still do to some degree, depending on what the situation is.

It’s hard being an adult.

Adulting is not what I thought it would be.

Sometimes it is great and other times it totally sucks.

Finding that balance is what I strive for every day.

Right now I am finding myself in new places experiencing things I didn’t think possible.

Dreams coming true in ways right out of left field.

So many responsibilities yet so much joy. Trying to find that fine line is a dance I am loving doing.

It’s all worth it.

No matter how it turns out, I know that I tried my best.

I love my life no matter how my plans turned left.

As always I keep hope alive

!

 

 

 

So I lost it on my kid…

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

It finally happened… I lost it on the boy. And by lost it, I don’t mean I went all off screaming, hollering and beating the child, although it crossed my mind in a fit of hysterical laughter.

Yes, I lost it through hysterically laughing for at least 10 minutes.

With my kid doing the airplane thing on my legs and then sniffing me. As in like a dog sniffing me. Or one of those wild children you hear about raised by wolves with the slight crazed look in their eyes.

I thought of the Chucky doll.

I told him to “Stop it please” but by then I was already falling into the “I’m totally losing it with my kid and I have no urge to harm so this is probably good” vibe.

Pshaw all of y’all thinking I beat my kid and wrote a blog about it!

Then again, there are some serious nut bags out there. I mean I am crazy but I would never purposefully harm my child.

He is my everything but, I really get the whole, “I brought you in and I will take you out” mentality. I understand why some creatures eat their young. I really, truly do.

It isn’t those embarrassing in public moments necessarily either, although that does happen. It’s more like the 10th time you’ve told said offspring to do something and they either suddenly became deaf or all together leave the situation because apparently if I can’t see him, he isn’t there to get in trouble. The logic is perfectly fine for a 5 year old. In fact, 5 year old logic can make more sense at times than adults. Those are the moments I question my sanity.

So here I am laying on my bed laughing so hard I nearly spritz. My kid is on top of me and laughing so hard he is drooling on me, I’m getting grossed out but can’t move him because I am paralyzed with laughter. It really hurt.

I was torn.

I was laughing harder than I had in a while and I was also at my wits end because he won’t listen.

This is what they refer to as parenting hell. At least one form of it.

I was finally able to regain my composure and somewhat actually parent the boy. It’s hard to give a straight face when your face hurts from laughing so hard.

The good thing is that he knows he can always laugh with me and he loves making me laugh.

He knows he had better start listening or mommy may really loose it!

He also knows that I love him no matter what.

I think that is what this parenting thing is all about.

Keep hope alive!