fabulous gracelessness

Texting can be evil and annoying when it’s the only way you can communicate

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Let’s pretend for a moment that you are having a conversation with someone through text. Let me interject my opinion here and say texting is challenging, can be misconstrued and anything lengthy should be kept for email, unless you are communicating with someone who that is the easiest method for them and you know you can get a response from them immediately.

Let’s keep pretending that there are 5 topics you addressed in this text. Then there are 6 and the 6th one is the one you didn’t see giving you any issue with. It wasn’t even on your main topics but came up when you sent the main text covering things to be taken care of. You address #6 and then ask about the main issues, just say even 1-3. Number 6 is brought up Again. Seriously.

It is at this point I am so glad I am not having a conversation with this person. As I make sure the boy isn’t around I am screeching at the phone yelling unladylike and foul words at the phone because I do not want to engage this person in an argument. Yet they are trying to drag me into one because they can’t do the very basics and care about the first topics I was referring to. The reason, you big jerk, that you keep bringing up number 6 is because you can’t see past your own selfishness and understand the other things you don’t care about, are why you have the issues with the one thing you do.

Some people will try to find fault and start fighting over their own bitterness or guilt. As adults we have to move past our emotions when there is business to take care of. Not that our emotions don’t play into the business, but we have to remember that we are supposed to be mature, responsible adults. The only way to resolve problems is to discuss it openly. Lay it out on the table. Yes there will be debates, disagreements and possible misunderstandings. But if you Listen to the other person, put your personal feelings aside and work to make a situation better, it will get better. You can resolve so many problems by open communication back and forth. Respecting the other person is one of the key aspects. You don’t even have to like them.

But you have to be willing to work with them and respect them enough if you are going to get anything accomplished. Business, personal or otherwise unless you can communicate. Both sides. All you have to do is be mature about it. Unfortunately some cannot be mature, no matter what their age is.

Hence my mini “pretend” rant. And for the record I didn’t get any responses to 1-5 yet, but I will.

So I hope that this day is fabulous in some way for you. For you to be able to take a breath, a few minutes to listen and work to be respectful to others. No matter what the situation always keep hope alive! And for the love of Pete be cautious when texting!

 

 

 

 

Identity in a box

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I have realized when I go to fill out pretty much any application, be it for employment, a loan, school paperwork or surveys that it seems more and more there a boxes to be completed. The majority of the time my full name, nicknames, address, phone, birthday, age range, social security number, references, medications, surgeries, data about my life are all put into boxes.

Questions regarding my health, my abilities, legal statuses, likes and dislikes are all neatly put into boxes. Even if I am applying for a job I have to put my resume in a box. It’s like people feel they can know someone through these boxes. I have to check my marital status, gender, salary range, age and race. How can you really convey some of this into a box? Why do you need to know my salary range for anything other than a loan? Why is my race and gender needed for more things than a census survey? I am not filling an application out for the CIA but yet very personal questions are asked to be checked on applications. Often times I feel it is a violation of my human rights. I know my only options are to check the boxes or not get what I need that requires this information in the first place.

But seriously, when I am applying for a discount card at a grocery store or pharmacy, I opt out of the household income and race questions. Really, because I am “Caucasian” with a low income does that make me get a different coupon than my Hispanic neighbor who makes a bit more than me? Think about it. Also what about those of us with mixed heritage? I always want to add an “A bit of everything” box for my race. When there is a box marked “sex” instead of gender I always want to put either one of two things: “Not lately” or “Fabulous”. I figure they will get the idea.

People try to fit their lives in neat little boxes. They are organized. It looks nice.

Life isn’t always organized, nice or neat. Sometimes it’s messy, dirty and anything but nice.

So why all the boxes? I often wonder if we had to write more essay answers how we would fare. I understand that there are many who can’t read or write and that filling out applications can be nerve wracking. In that aspect it is understandable to have a basic form to be filled out. I also get you all forms and applications need your name, address and phone number – what I see as the basics.

The best application was for the boy’s school. It was a small book wherein I had to actually write out answers. The difference this was so they could get to know my child better than just me filling in the boxes. Of course I talk to them, but this way each teacher could pull his folder and read what I wrote and question me later. He really doesn’t eat bread? No, any help on that and I will bake you a cake. He loves broccoli? Yes but try and get him to eat a salad and he will not only act like you are trying to get him to eat poison, but if you actually do get him to “try” a bite be prepared for him to spit it straight out – I am working on that one!

I’ve filled out countless applications in my life thus far and they all have the box commonality.

Maybe some find it comforting. Maybe I am the weird one even thinking about this. Surely I can’t be the only one! I think it’s because I’ve never liked being put into a box. Literally or figuratively!

Strange, odd and off topics for you to ponder! Welcome to my mind!

Have a fabulous day and keep hope alive!

 

Does anyone else think about odd things like this?!

Beginning the jigsaw of who I am

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

I am trying really, really hard to not censor myself in my writings. To be totally and brutally honest the fabulously graceless human that I am. To show the human side of life through my blogs. A jigsaw puzzle of who I am.

In my writings, as in my life, there are bits and pieces of me. Some are as a daughter, sister, mother, friend, niece, aunt, co-worker, volunteer, writer, lover, stranger, fighter for others, animal lover… so many different parts yet all part of a whole human. Many have seen all aspects, others only portions. And then there are those that can only speculate about who I am based on small portions of “data”. Through so many threads I am consistent in being who I am no matter the circumstances. It isn’t as hard as it once was. Maybe it’s age or becoming a parent but I seem to be seen consistently by people more now that I was in the past.

The “mask” of being polite and civil slips more. Oftentimes I no longer even think to put it on.

Why not let people see me for who I truly am? Why not be me?

Brad Paisley has a song “So much cooler online” or something similar. I get it sort of. I understand and relate to role playing, but becoming someone I am not or acting as if I am someone I am not doesn’t work for me.

My passions are my child, family, friends, writings, taking care of others, the outdoors, reading, knitting, listening to music, enjoying the silence, gazing at the stars, watching movies… I can list the “norm” with the rest of the folks. I also love the human psyche, nearly all things medical (either from personal experience or learning about things through others), horror movies, those considered “psycho” (Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and the like), cleaning and organizing… things a bit odder but still acceptable to a degree.

When I was younger I was considered a “rebel”. I was friends with everyone, no matter their skin color, their choice in who they dated or their social/financial status. I was taught people are people. Everyone poops. Just because you have a gold toilet or someone to wipe your butt doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else.

Part of my “rebel” status came because of that. Another part was I pushed the boundaries. I stayed up late, snuck out and did a few things that made my parents cringe including wearing my hair purple for many years.

It’s taken life and therapy to realize that I wasn’t really a rebel but just another human trying to find their place in this world. To be accepted and loved for who I am no matter what. Not for good grades, how I dress, talk, go to church, eat or how much money I have. It amazes me now how certain things play into whether you are considered a “good and/or productive” person you are. How in 2015 people still judge you on who your friends are, how much your income is and your zip code along with several other factors. I still don’t “GET” why that should matter if the person is quality and would give the shirt off their back to help others. If the person being judged doesn’t have a “job” that is considered “acceptable” yet they volunteer with seniors, children and/or animals on a regular basis but they are judged “not worthy” because of the beat up car they drive and their second hand clothes.

I personally love those moments where someone is judging someone, a stranger, (this is an actual conversation I had with a stranger) regarding their wardrobe choice, a bit threadbare but not inappropriate. The stranger says to me, “Would you look at her? She looks like she stole that outfit at a thrift store! Who could wear some stranger’s clothing?! Look at you in your nice skirt and top, you seem like a respectful young woman.” To which I replied, “It looks well worn, she may not be able to afford new clothes. You like my outfit? Thanks so much I got it at the thrift store last week on discount…$7 for the whole outfit barely worn! Of course I washed it and being a single mom and all I have to cut corners when I can! But then I thrifted before my child was born and they grow so fast!” She was backing away pretty quickly from me by this point. “You mean you are judging someone based on their clothing and we are in Target?! I usually come in here in my comfy clothes but I just got off work. It must be nice to be able to have the time to dress up every time you go out!” By this time a crowd had gathered and the lady was beet red. She stammered. “No! I wasn’t judging I just mean it I wouldn’t wear it out it doesn’t work for me. And your outfit is lovely. I have to go!” And she ran away! Be careful who you “confide” in when bashing others. I won’t go there with you. Even if they are drunk, wearing a prom dress and tiara, I would most likely say, “Girl you rock that dress we all know you can’t get many uses out of one and even on discount they ain’t cheap!” Why not pick someone up instead of tearing them down?

Like with friendships or relationships. You come to a point where you realize that you and someone are no longer compatible. You no longer can tolerate the same old jokes, same old problems and same old general bitchiness so you work to find a way to remove the negativity from your life. You hope for the best, that somewhere down the road they will find their sanity and their humanity again, but for now, you can’t be around them all the time anymore. Or maybe you can’t be around them at all. That usually hurts the most. I had a friend that she genuinely became a different person. There were several of us that hung out together but I was the “closest” so I had to step up and say basically that we weren’t going to follow her down the rabbit hole. Gone are the 3:00 AM I need help calls, you’ve used up all of those cards plus a few more. We love you and are here to help you but aren’t going to enable you anymore. She disappeared for about 6 months and resurfaced a bit worn but better for the ride. She thanked us. Other times I never hear from people again which is sad.

I give too many chances and I keep hope alive longer than I should at times. I know I have been taken advantage of because I am a “nice person”. It still baffles me that I can do everything in my power to help some people and they still say I did nothing or I am a horrible person. I say go ahead and spread your petty little lies because karma comes back around and the people who really want to know me, will find out who I really am. Then it is noted that I am not this mean and cruel person but the person who tried to make it look that way is now looking worse than how they tried to make me look.

I am by NO definition of a saint. Lord knows I have plenty of flaws and have no problem admitting them. In fact, I think it somewhat irritates people that I am that way. It’s hard to start drama when your lead player won’t follow the script!

I have rambled long enough. This should be a nice start. A place for the borders, my edges if you will.

I hope you all have a fantastic Tuesday my fabulous friends.

Always remember to keep hope alive!

 

 

 

New week and new beginnings… Hello Monday!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Hello my fabulous friends and welcome to the beginning of the week!

I am keeping hope alive for a good week in my graceless world!

I survived Chuck E Cheese at 10 AM on a Saturday! I am impressed and proud! Of course I had several fabulous humans helping me pull it off so shout out to woocy, rex & R for having my back! And it was so fun with all the kids and of course us big kids!

I basically got about 3.5 hours of sleep as my Atl girl didn’t get in til late so we had to chat til I was falling over, barely able to keep my eyes open but trying! I was decorating the cake with my woocy at 11 so being up at 2 was nothing. Ha!

I am realizing that while I may be fabulously graceless I need my beauty sleep, and not for beauty but just so that I may crawl forth from my bed and go out and be productive!

But I kept hope alive and I survived and had a blast!

Hearing my alarm clock going off today I am pushing for the “get on up and get moving” versus “just 5, 10, 20 more minutes….. crap I am late!” of my semi-normalness.

I am going for it’s going to be a Good Monday. Not just decent or making it through but I am aiming high for a Good Monday… maybe even excellent! You never know what life holds so I am going to keep my hope alive!

Good things are happening. I can feel it! I can see things moving on that I wasn’t sure what to do or what move to make. Just keep hope alive and do the right thing and it will work out!!

I am off to work, knit, write, get things done, be with the boy and have a Fabulous Monday!

Take care my friends and stay fabulous!

Happy 5th Birthday to My Boy!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

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Happy Birthday to My Boy!

I can’t believe it’s now been 5 years!

You’ve grown so much and I am so proud of you.

You’ve had to deal with life situations most adults can’t handle and you have done it well and grown from it and are better on your life path for it.

One of your favorite things to do is cuddle with me and say, “I chose you and you chose me, I chose you and you chose me” because you chose me to be you mama and I prayed to be your mama.

I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it was to find out I was going to be your mama after being told I couldn’t have children.

I can never express the love I have for you and everything I do and will do for you.

You are an amazing young boy and I love watching you grow and become the awesome human you will be one day.

You are my angel, my miracle, my tater tot and dream come true!

Happy Birthday to the Love of my Life!

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I hope everyone has a fabulously graceless Monday!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

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Staying positive and always keeping hope alive!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I’ve got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way! *Opening song from musical “Oklahoma!

Do you ever just feel like Finally you can exhale and that no matter what everything will be ok? Yes there are still challenges and battles to face. Such is life. But how your outlook is depends on how it affects you.

inhale let exhale go

I’m known for being somewhat cheery and positive the majority of the time. Scary and weird to me and especially to some of those who truly know me! But I really feel that having a positive outlook, Keep Hope Alive (OTB 2001), genuinely helps you keep positive even when you know you have things you would rather not deal with or situations you know you have no control over, whatever it may be.

I have to stop and really let it go (damn Disney and their songs haha) in order to be able to let myself be free to the stress. Not condoning actions I don’t believe in or supporting something that is against my own personal beliefs, but I have to let the anger go. Let the stress and worry go in order to move forward and overcome the situation or circumstance. Otherwise it will eat away at my core, my soul, and that isn’t healthy for me or for anyone else.

Friends often ask me how I can handle, be friends with, tolerate certain people. They wonder why I give more chances than I should. It’s because I want to believe people, no matter how many times have proven your wrong or hurt you, can change at least for that moment. And if they don’t how I can go from compassion to cold hearted in what seems the blink of an eye.

Everyone has their breaking point. Their line that they consider once you’ve crossed it, sadly it is done and you must then take measures you would rather not take but you cannot keep having a vicious cycle that repeatedly harms repeat itself.

It’s these circumstances, situations I have no control of that I have no choice, in my opinion to KEEP HOPE ALIVE and be positive for myself. I don’t see any other alternatives for me. It’s my choice of how I cope with life.

breathe and release that which does not serve you

Tomorrow is my boy’s 5th birthday. He truly is a miracle. When I think about where I was 5 years ago, the people in my life and the ones no longer here, it is bittersweet. But no matter what I know in my soul I am going to be positive not only today but this whole week. It’s the boy birthday celebration week in my world. My mindset and attitude directly affects him. I believe in letting him learn about life but I am also working to instill in him the sense of hope and peace within himself and learning how to find that own his own. The “self-soothing” techniques all people use.

Remember to breathe.

Remember to always keep hope alive.

“Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way!”

Stay fabulous!

stop smile breathe life is beautiful

This is my life and I am not ashamed

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Currently I should be getting things done… housework, birthday plans (the boy turns 5 on Monday!), writing, organizing – you know doing whatever it is you need to do. Note I said I should be but at the moment I am not!

No I am still vegging out after another lovely procedure and fortunately not another mis-procedure!

I love how people can look at me and think, “Gee she must be lazy! She looks fine!” Oh thank you so for the backhanded compliment. Why yes, yes I do look quite fine. In fact, for someone with my medical challenges I think I look fabulous!

For a while I have been back and forth with writing about my personal medical challenges.

I follow several amazing bloggers who share their journeys through their blogs (The Tube Fed Wife and The Respiratory Therapist who needed help breathing are two off the top of my head who are damn inspiring.). But because I write about so many topics I wasn’t sure what writing about my own personal issues, then I realized I am not alone. Other people suffer from similar or worse problems. People don’t like to hear about anyone’s suffering or pain. People like me, with chronic pain issues are expected to somewhat “keep it to ourselves” or “don’t share that it’s personal”. Yes it is. Very personal and this is My Blog. So why shouldn’t I talk about something personal to me? Something that affects me on a daily basis?

I am an active crazy mama. I am 44 with an almost 5 year old boy child. I work, clean, cook, play, live. I go as much as I can and often push myself further than I probably should most days. I have pretty severe back issues and just recently was told I need to think about hip replacements. Emphasis on the “s” as in both hips.

I have had back problems since I was 13 and broke my back/tailbone. At the time, it was thought 6 weeks of “rest” and “taking it easy” with aspirin, cold and heat and a bit of “physical therapy” would be just fine. First of all it was summer. One of the last weekends in June there was no way I was going to “rest up” all summer. I took the aspirin, did the heat/cold therapy and went on with my life. I stayed busy for the next several years in sports, gymnastics, tennis, cheerleading, water skiing, soft ball and general activities as per usual for me.

When I was 17 I was diagnosed with migraines. In the late 80’s there weren’t many option for folks who had migraines. There were some heavy duty pain meds and then there were injections. I remember my aunt coming over and showing my mom and I how to inject a needle into an orange over and over. I reminded myself that others had to inject themselves daily and I could do this. The migraines were awful and a few years later they were so bad that I considered going into some sort of program to help with my migraines. Extensive testing showed I was allergic to nearly everything, I mean the results were like a small book of things I should “stay away from” and/or that I was allergic to. I thought of the bubble boy movie. I was not going to let this keep me down. Slowly but surely I took out a large chunk of items that set off my migraines. I could do nothing about the great outdoors or the weather, but I could control the things that tended to make my migraines worse. Having that milkshake during allergy season or when the barometric pressure was no longer an option. It was combinations of items I had to systematically cut back or remove as well. I couldn’t control my hormones no matter how many vitamins, natural teas and supplements I took.

I continued to push my body. I moved so many times I was better than a service for packing, unpacking and lifting. I could pack up a moving truck or van with an efficiency that would make Martha Stewart proud. I moved all over Alabama, then decided to move beyond the borders of my home state. I moved to Florida, Georgia, California, back to Georgia then Tennessee. It was in Tennessee that my boy was born. By then I had been going for 4 years to a specialist for my numerous aches and pains in my back, hips and front. I loved, not, hearing the term “advanced maternal age” while I was carrying the boy. I wasn’t 40 yet come on! I was just thrilled I was having a bebe as I was told I couldn’t get pregnant.

It wasn’t without wear and tear on my body though. Wear and tear I would do 10 times over because life with him is beyond worth it and I will do any and everything within my power to keep moving, keep going and keep up with him!

When I made the decision to move back to Alabama it was not taken lightly. I have family here and the boy’s dad does too. I would be closer to my doctor in GA and my friends too.

It was during my packing that I got the call that my father’s condition had gotten worse. I packed up my jeep and the boy and headed home. I was scheduled to move in a month to help my parents but I knew I was going to see my daddy for the last time. I stayed for 10 days before returning. I buried my father during that time as well.

Once back in Tennessee I continued to work and pack up my home. My close friends, my cousin and her husband helped me get all my belongings loaded up and we managed to move it to Alabama. It took two trips of the big stuff and the final trip a few weeks later but I finally moved back “home”.

I have been battling issues with my back, hips and front pain for so many years the pain is like an old friend. Earlier this year I finally had a total hysterectomy in the hopes of alleviating some of my pain. I feel like it did help. It also set my body into some kind of weird tail spin back and forth. I never know what normal or new pain is now.

I try not to show it. I know I overdo it but my thoughts are do it while I can.

I go at least 4 times a year to “get a tune up” and overhaul my spine and hips. I am in year 8 of this so getting told “think about replacing your hips” truly shouldn’t come as a shock, but it does. I should not be surprised I was given the paper work for a handicap placard but I don’t know if I am ready to do that yet. I mean I still have many good days. I also have days where when I drive to the store and wait for a closer parking spot so I don’t have to walk so far.

I know my battles and my journey isn’t over yet. I know that I won’t give up. I know that every post I write won’t feature the daily challenges I have. Trust me even I don’t like to think about it all the time much less write about it. However, I did feel the urge to share, and apparently share I have.

I hope this shows people that no matter what anyone looks like, acts like you can’t always tell how someone feels on the inside.

I also hope it shows others you aren’t alone. You may not be able to be as active as you want to be but know you are still breathing and still here.

Never forget to keep hope alive and never give up.

Stay fabulous my friends!

 

 

 

 

Sitting in the dark

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I love when I have plans and life changes them and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it!
I had gone about my day, actually being a bit more productive than planned, and went to karate with the boy as the storms rolled in.
We made it through karate and went home to a dark house. Yes the power was out. No big deal or so we thought. Several hours later my house is still dark and the storms blew over a while ago. Normally we don’t lose power but this is an anomaly and especially for this long. I am praying I can get my post completed before the computer dies and I can upload it via hotspot without using too much power as I have to get up early in the morning and need my alarm which is on my phone! I am going to plug my phone in and hope for the best with it charging during the night – keep hope alive!
The most entertaining part was the boy asking every few minutes, “can we turn the power back on so we can watch a movie?” No. No we can’t! We’ve been teaching him how a long time ago they didn’t have power at night and candlelight was the only light you had. Since he killed one flashlight already I think it may be sinking in that people actually survive living like this! Talking, reading and drawing by candlelight. Well we have allowed him another flashlight so he can draw but he was monitored!
Since I have a few challenges ahead I am cutting this one short.
I think I will enjoy the quite while it last.
Sometimes not being so plugged in has it advantages!
Have a fabulous day my friends!
Always keep hope alive!

The first Sunday after college football

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Ahh the first Sunday after college football in Alabama! Both Alabama and Auburn kicked booty and of course it was a late night with friends and family.

Earlier this week my lovely boy, who learned “Roll Tide” before he could say complete sentences and was dressed all in Alabama attire when brought home from the hospital, yelled “War Eagle” while dressed in an Alabama t-shirt on the way to school. I whipped my head around and said, “What did you say?” Smiling he replied, “Warrrr Eagle Mommy!” I quickly found out he had learned it from his teacher at school. He was a bit concerned I would be mad. Apparently he is already caught onto the fact that the two teams are rivals and was wondering if he was “in trouble with me” for saying it. So was his teacher! I assured them both that although I was a Bama fan through and through, I was not a rabid fan and cheered for the other team as long as they weren’t playing each other.

I realized how fine a line it is. I have always known that people argue, fight and even divorce over the college rivalry here. It blows my mind.

To be born in Alabama means you are basically assigned a team at birth. Usually the team your parents are for.

Growing up I always cheered for Alabama because that’s who my daddy loved. My mom became a Bama fan after marriage, as several of her family members went to Auburn. Later my younger brother graduated from Alabama so her ties were strong by then. My boy has both and aunt and uncle who attended UA so it was a natural choice to dress him in crimson and white and teach him “Roll Tide” and “Go Bama” along with the fight song.

I have recently realized that may be a mistake. This does not mean I will stop buying him Bama gear and suit him up for Auburn per se.

While having the conversation the other day in the car I made a comment that “I don’t do orange it doesn’t look good on me.” He said, “Well I look good in red, white, blue and orange Mommy.” And he’s right.

As parents we tend to lead our children to what we like best. Not that it is a bad thing, but we don’t really stop to think of the implications it has on them.

Yes, I am moving a bit deeper than just football so bear with me.

The boy is like me in so many ways it scares the crap out of me. But he is Not me. Nor is he his father. He is his own being who is coming more and more into who he is as a person. Not just a mini-me. He certainly has learned many traits, most good a few probably not as good, from me and his dad, but he also has his own opinions about things.

Yesterday my mom took the boy and I to the local science center for the day. His birthday is coming up and she wanted to have a bit of time with just the three of us.

We had a blast exploring, learning and playing for hours. When we were leaving we had to pay to get out of the parking deck. Mom and I were frustrated because we couldn’t get the machine to take our money to get out and were a bit snappish with each other, but truly nothing ugly or rude. He pipes up from the backseat, “Hey all that jealousy and anger isn’t nice, and you both need to be good to each other.” Did I mention he’s almost 5? He hasn’t quite got all the basics down of emotions and what means what, but we got the idea. After talking to him and explaining what jealousy meant and how we both were just frustrated that we couldn’t get out of the parking garage, the pay to get out box wasn’t working so we had to move, he said, “Well y’all just need to talk nicer to each other then. People will think you’re mad at each other.” It’s a bit scary when the kid is smarter than the adults.

I’ve come to realize I have to let my boy make his own choices in life. I may not always like them, like letting his thick hair grow out because he wants to or doing things I do a certain way differently, but they are his ways. As long as it isn’t harmful to him or others I want to let him grown into who he want to be. Not someone I think he should be.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

 

 

And the award goes to…..

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I have realized some people are trying so hard to win their very own Grammy.

They are so dramatic and over the top, I am convinced that they think they are going not for the Grammy, but the Oscars. Yes, Big Dreams of Delusion!

Frequently it seems there is something new that they have to tell you about.

From how you need to change something you do because they know how to do it better to how they are superior to you in some way. Or maybe all they did for you and how you owe them because they did something out of “kindness”.

They can charm even the most skeptical for a while into thinking they are ALL that and a bag of chips.

However, over a period of time, you come to see they can’t continue on with their act. Be it manic, alcohol, drugs or just plain crazy they cannot maintain the level of “normalcy” needed to pull off the “act” they are desperately trying to achieve.

These people will tell you, your friends, your family all the things they think they you want to hear. They will promise the moon and stars. Sometimes they even throw in promises of another galaxy to make themselves seem so perfect and worthy of praise.

When they can’t deliver on whatever they’ve promised, they will blame everyone and everything from the pope to tripping over the carpet that was laid 20 years ago. It is Not their fault, they’ve had troubles. They promise the moon this time and somewhat put a band aid on the problems so what happens behind the curtains is not caught on film.

It is at this point when I start watching their performance for what I like to call the “falling apart” part of the plot.

This is when you start noticing the edges of their life seems more frayed that was originally presented. Earlier it was pressed and neat. Everything was “in order” or on its way to being in order. They assure you over and over when you ask them about it. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to see here.

When I read I book, even if it’s awful, I have to read through until the end. Trust me it’s a brutal, self-torture OCD thing I am working to overcome!

Watching these scenes play out is like that.

I know it’s going to end poorly but I can’t help but hold out hope! Hope that this person will see the signs and make different choices.

I won’t read the last pages of a book to find out what happens and it seems in life I tend to hang on to watch the show. Even if you’ve seen the re-runs they try to pass off as new material.

I’ve worked with the mentally ill and with hospice, I have seen some truly weird things, but people who are not “diagnosed” or considered “normal” that act like this fascinate me.

I’ve learned to keep a safe distance so when they flip out, and they will, I hope to not become a casualty of their poor life performance.

I have been caught in the cross hairs and on the fringe and it isn’t pretty.

It can be quite painful if it is someone you truly care about.

But the ones who keep going on and on, the ones you have no choice but to remove yourself from for your own safety, are the ones that scare me a bit more.

Those people keep performing long after the movie is over. They have their own private performance in their minds. Those people can be dangerous.

Those who continue to try and “perfect” their lives by acting outraged someone called them on their B.S. and stood up to them. They call them names and say slanderous things about them. Carrying on and on about how they would never do something so horrible to someone and name off all the “good” things they have done.

Again adding to their resume of “good deeds” to share with another group when this one shuts down their performance due to their lack of acting skills.

I think they need an award for Worst Performance in certain categories of life!

Not to say I myself wouldn’t qualify for a few categories but I don’t think I would win the prize.

The reason is I believe, in my own everyone has one opinion, you have to own up to your bad performances. Admit when you did a shitty job. Take the criticism like an adult, make improvements, even – gasp – apologize when you do harm to others and Mean it.

That deserves a freaking award right there. The courage to admit when you are Wrong and mean it. To make it right however that may be.

But to those who keep on “acting”, I hate to tell you the award season is over!

For the rest of you, please keep being fabulous!

 

Does this post resonate with you? Tell me how you really feel!