human

expectations

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 10 Comments

Often times in life we have so many expectations placed on us.

It seems like they are there daily to keep you on your course or drive you out of your mind.

I know I place expectations on myself.

I often wonder if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough.

I know that others have expectations of me and I know that I let them down sometimes.

I hate letting people down.

Some matter more than other, but to me, they all matter to varying degrees.

I love being told I should raise or lower my expectations.

Please tell me about the how and why I should!

For general things, movies, going out in public, etc. I have placed lower expectations so that when I have a pleasant experience I am often surprised and happy that they met and exceeded my original expectation.

With people I place a higher expectation. Though I realize it is not more than I place on myself.

We all have quirks, issues and faults.

It isn’t about that.

More of the basic human decency to communicate, respect and not take each other for granted.

Lately I am finding that many friends and family have gone above and beyond when it comes to me and my own expectations.

I am constantly amazed when someone tells me I inspired them or I performed much better than anticipated.

I recently found myself facing the first time of not being able to meet a deadline. I physically could not do it.

One of my fabulous friends stepped up to the plate and just offered, no strings, to help me.

This is how my friends and I are. We just step in and help.

I can’t tell you how much this meant to me.

Another friend knew I was upset about having to go for a medical procedure and offered, again, to take off work and to the appointment. She had just done it and was offering to ask off again to take little old me downtown again and wait while I have the procedure done. She will then take me back to another mutual friend’s home where I will recover for the day.

These people don’t have to do these things for me.

I do not expect it.

Yet they show me they care by stepping up and going beyond “the basics”.

I am so blessed to be around folks like this the majority of the time.

I must say when I collect my friends, I only collect the best!

Have a fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

 

Happy Birthday to My Sister from another mister!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 8 Comments

Sometimes in this life we get lucky.

We meet a friend who is so rare that we become friends with them as children and are able to carry that friendship through the years.

We make it through puberty, marriage, kids, moves, divorce, family craziness, friends together with others and even deaths.

If we are very, very fortunate that person becomes family to us.

Today I celebrate my sister from another mister!

Since I change all names to protect the innocent and insane alike I just have to say that one is hard because I want the world to know how my sister has literally saved my life in the over 35 years we have known each other.

I will call her Peevley because yes, there is an inside joke to that, but it makes me laugh every time I type it!

Some of you may can remember the song “Our house in the middle of our street”, well those words anyway. If you can’t then just go with it!

Our houses were right across the street from each other.

We literally could and would meet in the street and go to each other’s homes.

She is two years older than me but we are both about 20 in our minds so it all works out!

We tell people we share a memory and it’s actually true.

Parts of her childhood were not pleasant, so when she took protective measures to move on with her life, she blocked out more than just the bad parts.

So she has big Swiss cheese size holes in parts of her memory and I supply the information back to her.

It can really suck having such a good memory at times, especially when you have seen things you wish you could un-see but it’s there because that “steel trap” metaphor is for real in my world.

And yes, sometimes I make up stuff to “remind” her and usually get called on it. Most of the time!

Her “biological” parents and brother are no longer in our lives.

We just say we are twins and my family claims her.

Though we look Nothing alike, we do tell folks we are twins and amazingly many people believe us.

We are about the same height, no matter what she says about being taller, but that would be where the similarities end on the looks.

I have dark hair and olive skin and she has red hair and glowy white see through skin.

You see why I question those who think we’re twins?!

Not to mention our body parts are different sizes, her waist is smaller while I will never know the joy of the junk in the trunk comments she gets!

I tan and she burns turning red with green freckles.

We know when the other one is mad or upset sometimes by just a feeling.

Example, one of us feels strange and calls the other.

First question is “What is it?” Then the other proceeds to go on rant or explain what is getting to them.

No questions of “how did you know” we just know.

I know twins who have this and close sisters but we aren’t blood related.

She isn’t the only one I am this way with.

For the most part, we have a lot of the same friends.

However, we both have friends we will ask, “Please explain again why we like that person?” but will respect each other’s choices and reasons.

We don’t need nor do we “seek approval” we merely ask for advice and automatically accept each other for who we are.

We don’t have to like the decisions, actions or words of the other but we always accept and love each other no matter what.

I can’t imagine my life without her.

She lives nearly 13 hours away now and we still talk weekly and see each other at least once a year.

She was blessed to find her happily ever after when we were young, ok I know I am younger but she still wasn’t able to legally drink when she married “the boss”!

We are a part of each other and our families are so intertwined you need an index, compass and subscriptions to Psycho Weekly and National Geographic just to keep up!

We raised her kids and now mine.

It’s freaky really that my son could be her grandchild!

Her son is the eldest of our kids at like 27. If he is any older my mind can’t think of that right now as I remember when she was pregnant with him!

Our only girl is 25ish and of course the youngest boy turns 5 this year.

See what I mean by he could be the age of a grandchild if she had one?!

And she knows I am just messing with her by writing that!

Seriously, we have talked each other down off the proverbial cliff, listened, held hands, wiped tears and puke for each other.

I truly would give her a kidney if needed.

One of our “sharable” stories from the years was when we were teens, about 15 & 17, we snuck out of her house and met her boyfriend, also my good friend, and rode around until we could meet my boyfriend.

We met back up later, snuck back into her house and thought we were so cool and had gotten away with it.

Except we grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew everyone and everyone watched each other’s kids.

We were so busy sneaking out and then back in that we failed to note our neighbors, who had been at midnight mass, in their driveway with a direct view to the window we climbed out of.

Of course they told our parents.

They all met at the local Burger King to plot our death over coffee!

Both her and my parents had been taping our phone calls.

BUSTED.

We both got a whopping and severely grounded for several months.

We were not “allowed” to “play together” for that summer, however, when school started back up I was allowed to ride with her to school and we had to come straight home and check in!

Never once did it cross our minds to “no longer be friends”.

If anything it was one of the many things that brought us closer.

Fast forward about 20 years and her husband was deployed to a warzone as he was in the Army Reserves.

This was his second deployment and their kids were now teens.

I thought nothing of driving up to be with her and the kids over the winter break.

Just as I would have it no other way to go back 6 months later when he returned and we held a celebration for his safe return.

Being so far apart makes life so challenging when you can just drive over, sit down with your friend and share time talking face to face.

But Peevley and I can just pick up the phone and we are right where we need to be.

I have made and collected so many friends in my life, but I was lucky to find and keep my Peevley this long.

We both make the effort to keep in touch and talk whether phone, text or emails. And, of course, the occasional SnapChat!

If we go more than a week without talking, which happens due to schedules, families and living in different time zones, we get weirded out and have to call just to “hear you irritatingly lovely voice” as we like to say.

Really it’s a sanity check for us both.

Without her I know I would be lost.

So to my sister, Thank You.

Thank you for always being there for me, for believing in me and staying with me even when it was hard, and I know it was at times!

You are the Best Sister, Friend, co-conspirator and woman I am privileged to share my life with!

Happy Birthday Peevley!

I love you!

From birth to earth my steel magnolia sister!

Have a Fabulously Graceless Wednesday!

me n peevleey

Please, tell me how I should “feel”

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

As everyone is aware, or at least the majority of folks, there is a lot going on in the world today.

Here in the good old USA, we have so much happening and watching the news can be depressing.

Recently, with the latest shooting, I was watching the newscast with a friend and we were discussing how horrible it was, wondering if the boy was mentally ill or a young man who got caught up in hate and “lost it”.

Several news reporters used the phrase, “We are trying to report how you should feel” regarding the shootings.

Really.

You want to tell me, and millions of viewers, how to feel about this situation?

Do you know me and my friends? Do you know all of those millions you try to delude?

I know that my friends and I have had varying feelings from shock, to anger, to disgust and just shaking our heads that yet another mass shooting had occurred by one of our own on American soil.

I have been stewing on this one for almost a week now, reading different opinions and reports.

Reading all that I can regarding this barely legal young man and, in my opinion, not only the hate crime that he committed but the domestic terrorism as well.

I have not seen where he has been charged with domestic terrorism.

To me that is odd because that is what he did.

He terrorized innocent people on American soil.

At a historic church no less and at a Bible study.

True peaceful human beings.

He sat with them for “close” to an hour, accounts vary on time but all say nearly an hour or more, then pulled out his gun and shot them. Reloaded and kept shooting.

Calculated, cold blooded murder.

I cannot imagine those in that room how they felt.

The terror. The confusion. The shock.

To be in a place of peace and be gunned down like an animal has got to be one of the worst feelings.

I know I cannot imagine nor would I disrespect those who have gone through this tragedy by trying to do so.

Losing you loved ones in front of you and having to play dead.

Thinking your loved one was just going to bible study and will be coming back home and they never make it.

I cannot fathom that kind of pain.

So to be told by the media that they were “working to report how we should feel in the wake of this shooting” is callous and disrespectful of the victims and their families.

It is disrespectful to the viewers.

Everyone reacts differently to situations.

Being told “how to feel” makes me feel very Orwellian.

And a bit creepy.

For me, my heart and prayers go out to the victims, their families and everyone dealing with this situation.

Also to the shooter’s family.

Again I can’t imagine it.

As to how I feel, I feel like I wish I could take away this pain, this hate, this obsession people have with harming others.

I don’t need the media to dissect my feeling or tell me how I should feel.

Believe me I feel.

Have a fabulous Tuesday my graceless friends!

“My mind is frozen and it got ice in it”

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 11 Comments

Lately I have been exhausted.

I mean it’s been crazy hectic and I am struggling to meet dates, deadlines, life lines and all kinds of things for people and myself.

Of course there is always conflict, I mean this is life so I expect a certain amount.

But sometimes I am just ready to scream and yell and basically have a tantrum like a toddler.

I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family to talk to, rant to, or just be there and say nothing but know they are there.

I am also blessed, lucky or whatever you want to call it to have my boy.

He makes me laugh and reminds me to be real without even realizing what he does.

I was asking him why he wasn’t paying attention to me, again, and reminded him of the consequences of his actions if he did not follow through on his promises and actions.

He turned to me so very serious and said, “Mommy, I’m sorry. I think my mind is frozen and it got ice in it. That’s why I wasn’t paying ‘tention to you and I’m sorry.”

He was so genuine and I tried to hold back my laughter at his very honest statement.

I got to thinking, maybe that’s what’s going on with myself and so many others.

Our brains get frozen and gets ice in it so we aren’t paying attention to what needs to be done.

I think I may be a tiny bit sleep deprived and have some discomfort (next week’s procedure can’t come soon enough I tell you – read “Mis-Procedure” if you really want to know what I am referring to) but I feel like my brain gets frozen and I can’t accomplish everything I need to because the ice sticks to it and I get zoned in on something so completely off track!

Wow!

I do sound like a crazy person… goooooo me!

I do think it’s true that out of the mouths of babes we hear the truth of things.

Kids do not hold back on how they feel and their opinions of life in general.

They do not judge unless you teach them to judge.

They just say whatever is on their mind.

We have to teach them how to filter it.

Since this has been an ongoing lesson in my household, filtering as well as discretion, the boy asked me if he said something wrong.

He knew I was amused by his response but he also knew he had not being doing as told.

I told him that I was proud of him for acknowledging that he wasn’t paying attention and that the way he said it was just funny to me because it was so very true.

He then said, “Lots of people walk around with frozen brains and their not even zombies! I don’t think their mommies tell them to pay attention enough and they can’t shake the ice out!”

At this I just began laughing hysterically.

He started giggling and then told me he was “on my side like nationwide. Cause you know, they’re on your side!”

And that is a perfect ending to a challenging day!

I hope you all have a fabulous Tuesday my friends!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Family Dynamics

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 7 Comments

I have been rolling this topic around in my mind knowing that if I chose to write about it I would probably have to be very cautious because I do not really want to offend folks.

Everyone has different family dynamics and often times, the “family” is not blood relations, but people that we chose as family in addition, or replacing, those kin folk we were born into.

My own original family was pretty basic.

Mother, father, daughter and son.

We had grandparents, great-grandparents, uncle, aunt, cousin, and many great aunts, great-uncles and cousins.

I have one son as does my brother.

I think they are “trying” for more children, well maybe one more, but my baby making days are done.

It’s sad sometimes to think I can’t have anymore and add to our family legacy, but also it can be a relief to not have to worry with it. If I get all crazy and want another child, I can adopt!

We are all pretty close, even though I don’t get to see my uncle, aunt and cousin and some family often as I would like as distance does separate us and schedules can be hard to coordinate. It doesn’t mean I don’t think of them often and still miss them.

I am close with my mom, brother and sister-in-law and we all live within 20 or so miles from each other so we do gather together on a semi-regular basis.

My son calls his cousin his “baby brother” since he is the eldest. They are the same age apart as my brother and I which is 3 ½ years.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of cousins and relatives I never see. I do not even know where some of them live or if they are still living.

It isn’t, that I know of, because of a family feud, but due to circumstance of just not being in each other’s life and growing apart.

My father’s father had one sister and she didn’t have children.

His mother was one of 12 children so I do have lots of cousins on that side.

My mother’s father had 2 sisters as did her mother.

I do see some of my cousins from one side but not the other.

I do not know anyone that doesn’t have some type of family drama somewhere in their trees!

They may not tell you or bring it out in the open, but I guarantee someone in everyone’s family has some type of drama!

Growing up I was fortunate I had 2 sets of grandparents and 3 great-grandmothers. It wasn’t until I was older and learned that not everyone has that family and not everyone was close to family they did have.

I am so fortunate to have so many cousins scattered around that I still am in touch with!

Though I wish I could see them more and spend time with them I am grateful for the opportunity to still be in contact, or reconnect with them.

I will admit there are a few that I have no idea what has happened to them nor does anyone else.

One cousin seems to have dropped off the face of the planet. Seriously.

It seems at times the only time I ever even see certain relatives is at weddings and funerals.

That’s pretty sad when you think about it but also, it may not be by your choice, but theirs or another relative.

I am fascinated with family dynamics.

I have friends who are twins who have an older brother.

Their parents divorced and their father remarried.

They have not only half brothers and sisters from them, but also found out their father spread his seed a bit more and have many half brothers and sisters.

I must say they have taken it quite well to find out they have half siblings the same age as them and to, for the most part, get to know several of them.

I can’t imagine finding other siblings when I was older and how I would react to that!

I have worked in assisted livings and as a caregiver for families.

It is so interesting to see who steps up during a medical crisis and who is nowhere to be found.

I know in my own family, no matter what is going on or who is not happy with each other, when a medical crisis arises, we are all there.

For me I could not imagine Not being there.

But I have realized throughout this life not everyone feels the same.

One lady I used to care for, “Miss Jane” (*names changed to protect the living), had 3 children. I never saw the children who lived in town but every few months. Then for only a brief period of time.

However her son who had moved to another country, would make the trek yearly to visit his mother and stayed at least a month. The majority of his time would be spent with his mother.

This lady had other relatives, however, during her life she wasn’t always so nice. She was diagnosed with dementia and after her husband died, was placed in an assisted living facility.

This was where I met her as I worked at the facility.

I met so many people whose family dynamics were fascinating to me to watch.

At times, it was also very sad as in the case of Miss Jane.

Here was a lady who had wealth beyond comprehension and yet her only visitors was a few times a year with random family coming to visit.

Only her one son who lived thousands of miles away came with any regularity and that was just once a year.

Another lady, “Miss Carmen”, had no children and only a niece. She had moved from Florida so her niece could care for her at our facility.

Her niece, Betty, came several times a week and always worried when she would go out of town that Carmen would need something and she wouldn’t be there.

Here Betty was worrying about how Carmen would miss her, knowing she had dementia and that prior to her moving her close did not see her aunt regularly due to distance but always talked on the phone.

She cared enough to go to her home when Carmen’s husband died and pay attention to her situation to see that she needed to step in and help.

And Jane’s “guardians” would have to be contacted when she needed new clothes because they didn’t see her on a regular basis.

Of course now we have instant access to the internet and being able to call, text or send a message on Facebook to get in touch with relatives far and wide.

However I still have to look at Jane and Carmen.

In my humble opinion, it seems that once some people get older, or aren’t as “nice” all the time, family members and even friends just stop coming around.

I did find out in Miss Jane’s case there were many friends who didn’t know where she was.

The two children who lived closer made a decision to not tell anyone because of her “condition”. Her son who lived far away rectified that after a visit and I was happy to see her have visitors.

We are all human and need the companionship and touch of others.

It does make a difference.

I understand some people chose to cut themselves off from their family and friends.

That is their choice.

But for so many, that choice is taken from them in many different ways due to their family dynamics.

I guess you can call me lucky and blessed because in my own life, I have not only my family, but a large collection of friends as well.

I know that they can send out an SOS and if I can’t be there in person, I am there for them in spirit and let them know.

Because if you don’t let people know you’re thinking about them, you care and you will do whatever you are able to do they don’t know that for sure.

You can’t assume they know.

You have to tell them.

So reach out to that random family member/friend that’s been on your mind.

Call, text, email, send a message to them just do it.

We never know how much time we have left.

We never know if that brief “hello I miss you” may be what they need to get through their day.

Always Keep Hope Alive.

I hope you all have a fabulously graceless Monday my friends!

 

Father’s Day 2015

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

fathers day

As I was thinking of what to write for my Sunday post I realized that today is Father’s Day.

For me this is a hard day to get through as my own daddy passed away in February of last year with stage 4 kidney cancer.

Our family was with him when he passed and that is something to be thankful for.

I was blessed to have him in my life for 43 years.

I was a “daddy’s girl”. I guess I always will be.

I am the eldest child and my brother is 3 ½ years younger than me.

I was always the rebel and the one who paved the way for him to be the “golden child” haha

My brother and I are very close and I know that on that account, I am lucky.

Father’s Day is bittersweet for him as well.

Two months after my daddy passed away my nephew was born and he became a father.

I remember walking into the hospital room seeing my little bro holding his newborn son and bursting into tears as I felt like I was in a magical place.

I was seeing a photo in my mind of our father holding me with the same look of pure love I was now seeing on the face of my brother.

Like father like son.

My own son was blessed to have known his “Pops”.

He still talks about him, misses him and promises he will tell his cousin all about Pops and how great he is.

I said “is” because that is how we keep him alive is by talking about him.

We aren’t obsessed with making sure he is in our conversations daily, however I know that a single day doesn’t go by without me thinking about him and I know my mom and brother feel the same.

My parents were married for 45 years.

A true until death us do part.

Our house was not “Leave it to Beaver” bliss but then there was Always love, even in the best and worst of times.

My daddy was ALWAYS there for me and so many others whenever needed.

He had more patience than anyone I know.

I know when he was younger he had a temper, he often told me about it and I heard stories from family and friends.

However he realized very young that a bad temper would get you nowhere and being calm even in a storm was the better way to move through life.

Often times when someone passes we tend to canonize them and make them more “saintly” than when they were living.

I can say that isn’t the case with my father.

My daddy was a well known and loved respected business man.

He knew and met people from all around the world.

The love and light he cast out to family, friends and strangers was astounding.

When he died, after the funeral, which was massive, there was a reporter from the local paper there to do an article on him.

I couldn’t find the words to describe the man who is my father.

Understanding, strong, loving, caring, compassionate, believed in equality for all humans, was the Yoda of golf, hunting and fishing, always there, never judging, always thought before he spoke knowing his words were taken to heart.

How do you really convey that?

I have said many times I do not like crowds.

I am pretty weird about it nor am I going to draw attention to myself.

However when daddy died I had made him a promise.

I keep my promises.

I sang “Amazing Grace” a Capella at his funeral.

There were hundreds of people there but I sang for him and my family as they knew it was his favorite and I would sing it for him.

I completely zoned out and saw him there smiling as he always did while I sang my heart out with tears streaming down my face.

I didn’t care about if I was off key or looked strange.

I only cared that my daddy knew how much I loved him so I sang to him.

This will be my second Father’s Day without my daddy “here” with me.

I know I will shed tears.

I know I will sing his song out loud.

I know that many of my friends and family members are also thinking of their fathers, grandfathers, brothers, uncles and friends who are no longer with us.

I know I do.

But I also know my daddy would want me to remember those who are still here too.

So to all of the fathers out there, and mothers who are both mom and dad, I send out a Happy Father’s Day to you!

I hope you all have a fabulous Sunday!

I am including one of my all-time favorite photos of my son and my daddy.

It means the world to me.

My little parrot

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

When I found out I was pregnant, I read book, magazines, articles, blogs and specialty parenting sites.

I wanted to go in with as much information as possible and continue to research and read and learn about this small creature that is my responsibility.

You read about the stages of development and somewhat think you are mentally prepared for the stages.

You know deep down that anything can happen and things won’t be like the information overload you get, but you think you’re ready.

You are not.

Trust me.

It may not happen daily but, at least for me, a few times a week my offspring catches me totally off guard but something he does or says.

The past week seems to have been full of zingers!

He is four, soon to be five in September, and of course, knows “almost everything.”

He’s very self-confident and also can be shy.

He’s outgoing and loving.

He’s funny, witty and working on his jokes.

He has a slight lisp and still have the little boy voices so things he says that are beyond his years tend to throw me off and in many cases make me laugh.

He is full on boy!

He likes to “help cook” in the kitchen and with some minor adjustments, my OCD has accommodated him in his quest to help.

He helps pick up and “cleans” because he sees me do it and he wants his toys to not disappear if he leaves them scattered about.

He watches as me to see what I do and sometimes copies my actions.

He has similar facial expressions to me.

The boy can’t hardly taking a photo without sticking out his tongue… I may have taught him that!

Since I have always worked with him on manners, the age old “yes mam, no mam, thank you mam, please” phrase has been drilled into his head and still is. We also do “yes sir…” to make sure whether male or female he knows how to respond. When he burps or poots he is to say excuse me and usually does.

But it seems all boys, and some men and females, have to verbally note when they fart.

We call it barking spiders, pooter scooters and poots. Most recently he learned the phrase “passing gas.”

He finds them all hysterical.

Sounds coming from his butt are the best in his world.

I figure give him all the cleanest terms for his body and its functions as I can while he is young.

Recently he said “Mommy I had a big barking spider come out of my anus.”

Ugh! Hopefully he will still use the term booty or butt for now!

Trying to teach him the correct names for his anatomy is a challenge!

He also copies things we say.

The other night at dinner I was trying to open a container when he busts out with, “What Are you doing child?!” in a fabulous imitation of myself.

I lost it laughing.

It was one of those laughs that’s contagious and he started laughing and I started laughing harder, then I snorted and he screeched laughing and we are both crying laughing!

I am even doing the “shhhhhhhhhhhhhh” with hysterical laughter and “please quiet” trying to gain control over my laughing.

It was semi hopeless but sometimes those laughs are the BEST feeling ever!

Every word that comes out of my mouth has to be censored when he is anywhere near me.

It’s scary.

There are times when he is all up into a movie and I am talking to someone in the other room or on the phone, thinking he isn’t paying attention but dang if he doesn’t come back a bit later and ask “mommy what did you mean by this?”

Thankfully I am hyper aware of what I say around him because I really did remember reading about “the parrot effect” of young children.

I thought it would happen earlier than now and it did to a degree.

But it seems to be building and building.

I seriously need an editor before I speak in front of him because he sometimes mixes the contexts of the word and it does not sound right!

I’m just waiting for the call from his school.

I know it’s coming!

I just have to remember to breathe and pray it isn’t over anything too bad!

No matter what I will always think of my good friend “Max” and the call she got from her sweet, angelic daughter’s daycare. “Miss Max, Ally said the “F” word!”

Then I feel a little better. For now!

Have a fabulous Thursday My Graceless Friends!

I’m recovering today from a back procedure so no idea what tomorrows post will hold!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Those darn squirrels

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

Some days I wake thinking “I will get so much done today!”. And for a few hours I actually do.

Then it seems I veer off course.

“Squirrels” to me means some sort of distraction usually hits me.

I’m not sure if you are familiar with the move “Up” but when Doug the dog is talking to the man and boy and suddenly he gets distracted and says “squirrel” it cracked me up because that is so how life is.

People are more like animals than they chose to admit!

I have my lists, my chores, my “things to do” but like a lot of people that work from home or have a bit of time on their hands, managing that time is harder than it seems!

It is easy to get lost in the “randomness” of things we would rather do than what needs to be done!

I am so guilty of this!

I find myself checking things off of my list and thinking I have a little bit of extra time, so I decide to change course “for a few minutes” and minutes/hours later I am now behind on what I really Need to do!

Instead of doing all of my chores/work and then letting the randomness happen I have let the randomness slide in-between and get in front of my productivity.

I really am working on this with some actual success.

I want more than anything to write and also get paid to write. I do this blog so I can just write! I want to spend more time with friends and family. I want to keep volunteering. I want to be able to travel whenever I feel like it.

In order to make these things possible I realize I have to focus and be accountable for my time.

Jeez accountability.

That’s such an “adult” word in my mind. Ironically I am an adult and sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Not that my boy doesn’t jog my memory daily that I have to be not only accountable but responsible. But the times when he isn’t with me are when I am supposed to be working  towards my dreams and our future. I do get breaks and have to make the most of my time.

So I made a vow to myself that I am keeping.

It doesn’t matter how anyone else but myself feels about it. Well it does but I am lucky in that those the people who matter support me and believe in me.

I don’t like to let people down. It’s a lot of weight to carry but you know what? It is totally worth it!

So don’t let the “hard stuff” and fear stand in your way of your dreams.

Don’t let the “squirrels” get you distracted. Go For It!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

I know I am and I know I Can Do It.

I Believe in Me!

Have a fabulously graceless day friends!

“Me” Time

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Do you ever have those times when you just want to be alone but don’t ever seem to have the time?

You never quite take time for yourself but you don’t really pay attention to those warning sirens in your head that say “STOP YOU PSYCHO YOU HAVE TO SLOW DOWN AND TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF OR I WILL MAKE YOU STOP!” Complete with cymbals, fireworks and other loud noises to make you Listen… Or some kind of something like that!

Yeah welcome to my world!

There’s always something or somebody that needs or wants your attention. Bills, laundry, errands, jobs, family, friends, the list is endless. You may feel guilty for even thinking about it because you feel a responsibility to take care of things ASAP and not consider the importance of You.

It can be overwhelming at times.

Sometimes you do just have to STOP.

For me I have to stop, re-group, attempt to re-organize and remember to Breathe!

I have to let the memories and feelings wash over me and let them do as they may.

I have to embrace them, examine them and try to figure out why I sometimes feel I am ever so slowly losing more of my mind than I feel I have already lost.

I HAVE to have “me” time and have been accused or more than 10 occasions of being “selfish”.

Maybe I am.

Maybe I give and give and go and go and really do need to just stop.

Either way I know I am not alone in feeling this way.

I was talking to a very good friend the other day. We live about 11 miles apart and haven’t seen each other in person in a year.

We have known each other for 20-ish years and we do keep in touch. They are very dear to me and I can’t imagine life without them but yet we don’t “see” each other that much and talk sometimes but not your weekly conversation, more like every few months and we text. We care about each other like siblings. We are there when it counts.

We were talking about this very thing. “Me” time and really how a person NEEDS it.

How yes, you are often considered selfish when you “take it” as if your time belongs to someone other than yourself.

You designate the “me” time.

You give your time to your job, your spouse/significant other, your children, your family and friends. You may spend extra time with charities and hobbies that usually involve others but you don’t always remember to take “time out” for yourself.

And by golly it’s so Important to have “ME” if we are to grow as a human beings.

If you can’t take time, whether it be a few hours a week (even broken down into minutes here and there if you have a family, children or relationship), a day or days if you can to get yourself some quality “ME” time you Will start to unravel.

That is scary. Scarier if you don’t even recognize it.

Because then you start to affect those very people you share your other time with. You start to “float off” when you should be paying attention.

Maybe it affects your health, your relationships, your job.

Maybe it begins as a tiny tear but slowly it begins to eat away at the very fabric of who you are.

Then people ask why your cranky, distant, acting “weirder than normal”. Why you don’t call them back, why you aren’t you your crazy, goofy, demented self.

Then you realize.

I have lost myself.

I have forgotten who I am.

And you Find the time for You.

Because without some me time, there is no Life time.

You can’t share with others what you don’t have.

Find some time for the “me” in You.

I know I am.

Have a fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

Not into politics?

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

This is one of those “hot button topics” I am guessing.

And yes, I have thought long and hard before I started this post. This “topic” on my Lists of Topics has many notes under it which anything “touchy” does because I feel I am putting my viewpoint out there to be bashed or agreed with.

Either way, here we go!

I thought about how often someone asks you “who are you voting for?” or “what do you think about what that judge says? Do you agree?”. Where I live there are some pretty heavy political fights happening that involve the lives of other human beings. So lately the questions have been flying.

I literally Hate those kinds of questions.

I used to work in a hair salon and for a long time in non-profit. We had 2 topics we Never discussed at both places, religion and politics.

From my employer’s standpoint, we were in business to do hair, we could listen and comment, if we chose, about everything from gardening to who was doing who doing who, the parties, people, animals, the weather but once someone brought up religion or politics we were to say, “We do not talk about that here. We are not allowed to as problems have arisen in the past. It is our policy. If there is a problem please take it up with the management.” I was fine with that and also much younger.

At the non-profit it was easier to understand. We were there to help the community and put an end to a disease that affected everyone regarding their political beliefs or lack thereof. So no need to upset folk because money was needed to fund programs and research to stop this disease. Easy peasy I could always talk my way around it onto other truly important topics. I was growing and becoming more aware of the world around me. I had definite opinions and not all of them right by a long shot, but again I do not like arguments so I was happy with following the “policy” of not discussing either topics.

When I was in my early 20’s I was somewhat of a rebel and would say, “I’m not political. I understand you feel my vote counts, I don’t nor am I in the mood to debate you on topics I may or may not know about because I really do not care about your politics.”

It was the almost truth. I did care but was hesitant to speak out about how I felt because I do not like confrontations and I felt sure wasn’t educated enough to get into a debate about it with some jerk who only wanted a chance to relive those high school debating team days or who was a toad trying to make themselves feel better by pointing out one’s lack of knowledge on certain topics.

As I grew older my voice got a bit louder. I didn’t claim a party. In fact to this day, I will tell you all of one group being in complete control scares the crap out of me.

I think we need balance.

Personally sometimes I think we need to doing a “closet cleaning” and make them all take lie detector tests and go from there. It would do a lot of the cleaning out!

The more I pay attention to politics the weirder the world seems.

I mean like the Aliens vs Predators type of way too.

No one is who you think they really are.

I do understand there are Good humans out. They really, truly do care about others and the planet. They are doing the best they can with a lot of broken parts and in some cases, arcane laws

I mean seriously, there is a town in Georgia, and probably other states too, that states you can’t walk you cow down the center of the street after 6:00 PM. Really?! This madness is still on the books as a “crime.”

See, cleaning out the closet isn’t such a bad idea! I mean what if I had decided to borrow a cow and walk up the middle of the street in this town? Would I be arrested before I was mowed down by a car or eighteen wheeler?! Because that particular area is pretty populated these days and I don’t know too many folks that need to take their cows to town by foot any longer! Where would they take my cow?!

But am I political? I would have to say yes.

Like with religion, I know I am not a zealot. Nor do I mean to offend but some folks can get a bit rabid and over zealous regarding their politics and religion. I do not begrudge you of that. However, like anything else, you get into my personal space with your hollering and preaching (over the top and yes, it does happen) and I tend to drop out on you. Or at you depending on the circumstance.

I was raised in the south. Politics and religion are a way of life or so it seemed. I remember being about 6 or 7 and having a bumper sticker that was a Jimmy Carter campaign slogan on it on my big wheel. I thought it was cool I had a sticker for my big wheel. Little did I know that was free advertising for the democratic party!

Later on I had “grown up” and moved out to California. My parents came to visit me and said the following evening they were having dinner with “George Bush, Jr and 200 of his ‘closest’ friends”. I was mortified. Had anyone heard? I mean California, Berkeley, California where I lived was full of liberals. They were everywhere and just like back home with some that got a bit to “on their party’s wagon” they scared me just a little. Not that I agreed fully with Either side but the “oh please no confrontations” gene kicked in so I moved the conversation to another topic swiftly and gracelessly while my parents and 4 other dinner companions looked at me oddly. Nothing new there!

For the record my dad did meet George and apparently got in trouble with the Secret Service because they were discussing hunting and the environment of hunters, boats and goodness knows what else. Topics my dad loved! And, gee wasn’t it funny, how the President of the United States and him were discussing guns, boats and how to work on the environment and apparently the President wasn’t supposed to be spending more than a few minutes with each of those “close friends” and had to be asked by the SS repeatedly to “Please move it along Sir.” Still a great story and proves to me that people are people, even if they have a different “label”.

I was living in Berkeley, California on September 11, 2001.

I was having a dream that I was in a plane and a man who spoke a different language than I did started screaming and I knew the plane had been hi-jacked. I was terrified.

I then woke to my roommate saying, “You have to get up and come see the news. This is horrible.”

So I am freaked out because of my dream and because, well, it’s never safe to wake me up if I think I am sleeping in (that changed a bit with a child) because I got kind of mean-ish. It could be said by friends I was evil being woke early and unexpectedly! Plus my roommates never bothered me unless there was something Big going on. This was definitely “Big”.

We all stared at the TV mutely watching the first plane on the side of the World Trade Center.

I immediately got on the phone calling back east. I got in touch with my close girlfriend when the second plane crashed. We were both throwing up on the phone as we realized simultaneously what was happening.

It took me a while but I was able to make sure all my family and friends I could think of were safe. I knew a few had trips scheduled to D.C. and New York so I was, like a large majority of the country, completely crazed to know if “my people” were ok while I lived through the saddest day I had every witnessed.

I spoke with my grandparents. My grandfather was a Merchant Marine in WW2 and they said that 9/11 was worse than the attack on Pearl Harbor. My grandmother saying over and over, “Those poor people. Their loved one could see them jumping.” I, nor will millions of others, forget that day, nor will I forget what she said.

Because of the media we had instant coverage. The horror. The grief. The rage.

In the days that followed I saw and felt so many emotions. Sadness. Grief. Loss. Scared. Anger.

But I also watched a country come together as a nation to care for those who lost their lives and those who gave their time, money and even their lives to help our nation rebuild.

As I left the West Coast a month and a half later I thought about what had happened. Going west to east during that time was truly and experience I will never forget. The closer into the heartland of America I saw more flags that I had the entire move west. Though we took different routes when going west and coming back to the south, the feeling was completely different.

America had changed. Or maybe I had. Maybe we both had.

I didn’t feel like I could pretend things didn’t matter to me anymore.

I couldn’t “ignore” things said in front of me that degraded another human, no matter what they looked like, where they were from or what their beliefs were.

I can assure you I didn’t move back and become some kind of political activist.

I did however realize that I enjoyed taking care of others and those who couldn’t help themselves over being a corporate drone again. I also had to take a corporate job after the birth of my boy as children aren’t cheap!

But I continue to this day to volunteer and help out others as I can. Not because I want some “gold star” but because for me it is the right thing to do.

What I could tolerate years ago there are now some things I have no patience for now. My way of thinking has changed. Having a child changed me.

To be young and so “set” in your views & ideals is now amusing to me.

You say you will NEVER change this or that about yourself.

Maybe you don’t. But you do grow. And with growing can come knowledge and understanding of a different perspective. Maybe you care more now that you did. Maybe you aren’t as selfish or maybe you are more so now after your youthful experiences. Maybe you changed.

For me, I think that I have always been political, I just now am better with how I articulate my feelings and actually research my topics.

I have always been drawn to my community and the world around me.

I feel I am able to contribute to a conversation even if I say, “I am not currently up to speed on that subject but I promise I will get back to you.”  I don’t feel dumb saying it because it is true. I may never see that person again but I will learn about what they were referring to and figure out how I feel or don’t feel about it.

So if the toad wants to go a round with me now, I am ready!

Have a fabulously graceless evening!

My apologies on the tardiness of this post but the stomach plague hit me today courtesy of my little Typhoid Mary. Here’s hoping tomorrow is better!