A miss and a slip


Sometimes I miss a step.

Something important, something crucial.

Sometimes I don’t see it until it’s too late.

I have no one to blame but myself.

Blame it on life?

Life is constant it keeps going.

I’m the one who is supposed to be paying attention.

But I slip.

Sometimes it feels like I am falling off the rim of the Grand Canyon into infinity.

In missing a step, in my slipping, I miss life happening.

I miss visits, calls and texts.

I miss out on those moments I wish I had back.

I miss out on everything and nothing.

I am still living life but now it may be altered in some way.

Now it may be different for me.

All because I missed a step.

I slipped.

Falling down but I get back up, sometimes slowly


sometimes find self in middle of nowhere

I fall down and get back up.

I make mistakes and try to learn from them.

I don’t want to get caught in the repetitive cycle of repeat, yet I find myself doing that at times.

It takes more than one cycle for some things to get through my thick skull.

I may get down, I may get depressed but I lose hope.

sometimes life repeats ntil u learn

I may remove myself from people and situations that are toxic for me but I don’t give up. I see it as doing better for me.

People have advice, opinions and “how it should be done” to offer me. I do appreciate some of it. Other opinions not so much.

Ultimately it is up to me to find that place in my mind and soul that holds my peace.

I make some doozy mistakes. I accidentally hurt feelings when I don’t mean too.

I am completely human.

It is during my times of climbing back up that I find who can take me and who can’t. I have learned I am absolutely okay with that.

sometimes people not change mask falls off

If someone can’t accept me for me and handle me when I drop my basket, and I realize sometimes there is a Lot of crap in my basket, then they can’t handle me. I can respect that.

I am not perfect.

I am perfectly me. Fabulous Gracelessness.

Have a fabulous day and Keep Hope Alive!

Stop the train, I think I want to get off….


That moment when you are at your wits end and you call your sister and say, “Go out to the pen, grab a chicken, a rooster, whatever you have most of and sacrifice that critter and chant for things to get gooder!” Yeah, I totally had one of those moments.

Times like that is where 80’s movies and song quotes come to mind. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Ferris Bueller. That’s the first one that popped in the old noggin’. Maybe being of the MTV and a Gen X’er play into that. Who knows?! And really, do I care? Eh, maybe not so much. I mean I can’t even place artist and songs together unless we go way back and even then I may know the entire song but not who sang it much less wrote it!

never know how strong u r until its only choice

By the way, the sacrifice thingy worked, at least for the one issue I had which involved an early start to my morning by at least an hour. And anyone who really knows me knows I am Not an early morning person unless I went to bed really early. I’m more of a night owl. Lately I am just a need more sleep-in-love-with-my-bed-and-think-about-it-far-too-often kind of owl. Human. Whatever!

This week has been a real hum-dinger! I am hoping and praying for a better today and a fabulous weekend. Life is what you make of it. Life may be tossing zingers at me, but I am truly working hard to handle it with class. Sometimes there just are no words. You have to just trust in what is there and believe in yourself. No matter how hard it gets, you know you can get through it. Maybe a little more worn than you had thought, but you make it through.

For me I learned when I had the boy that I can’t let those zingers drag me down for too long. I can wallow in it and I can ask why, but I also have to be present for him. I have to function for him and I want to. Gone are the days of me being able to stay in my pajamas for the weekend or when I come home from work. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sometimes let go

The whole single parenting thing can be very daunting at times. Even if you co-parent well, it doesn’t make other things just easy. If you don’t co-parent well and you have other issues, it can be even worse. I am just blessed to be a parent at all. I am just thankful he is so open and understanding with me. He talks to me about anything and he’s only 5. He tells me he knows he can talk to me about whatever he needs and I won’t get too mad or upset.

I do screw up, pretty much weekly, but I know I am doing something right. I know that my greatest contribution to this world isn’t the words that I write but the human I teach to go out into the world. Love. Hope. Compassion. Understanding. Questioning. Patience. Faith. Trust. All of those things as well as teaching him how some other people hate, and sometime for no reason than that was how they were taught. Heady stuff.

The best part is that he makes life more bearable when things are rough. He loves me unconditionally. That and I now know my sister will do the bird sacrifice for me make all right in my world!

Happy Friday Eve! Keep Hope Alive!!!

thrs is friday eve

 

 

Newsflash…I am not perfect!


The fact is I have never, nor will I ever be perfect. I make mistakes. I let people down. It’s not that I want to let others down, but sometimes life happens and I can’t do all that I want or said I would do.

I forget things sometimes.

I have the best of intentions and seem to always say, “Yes, I will do it!” And I mean it. I want to do it or take care of it. I end up overloading myself and sometimes, I do so much and keep going until a sickness or my body knocks me down. Yet I still keep trying to go on.

Sometimes I don’t do things fast enough for others. I am working on teaching the boy patience, but I don’t expect to have to explain patience to adults. More often than not they can be worse than my 5 year old in the patience department. I am also guilty of being impatient.

I have flaws. Lots of them. People can chose to accept me for them or walk away.

Sometimes I get frustrated or angry and raise my voice. Then I feel guilt for snapping.

I don’t always handle things like they should be handled.

Sometimes I drop my basket and loose my shit.

I forget that I am human.

It’s like I try so hard to make sure everyone else is taken care of, happy and getting what they need that I forget to take care of myself. I then find myself resentful but have no one to blame but myself.

Right now I am working on finding my balance. .

At one point in my life I had my life much more organized. I was cheery most of the time. I worked long hours but I loved my job. I may have grouched some but I was still able to keep myself in check and get everything done that I needed to get done. I also didn’t have my boy and the life priorities I have now. In some ways it was easier, yet it was also hard too.

After my miracle boy came along, I let a few things slide. When his father and I realized we could no longer live together I know I made many mistakes. However, I also realized that no matter what we were his parents and good or bad, I would make sure he knew that I was always there for him. Loving him no matter what. Sometimes I fail miserably but yet he knows, as he has told me, that everyone makes mistakes and he loves me no matter what. He knows mommy will always be there for him and that I put him first.

So my my attitude, my demeanor, my thoughts, my car, my home and other things may not be perfect, but I know that his love for me and my love for him is perfect. That makes my mistakes and my colossal errors at bit easier to handle.

I have started again working full time after a year of not. I am dropping things left and right. I am still trying to find my balance. Still, I know that he loves me no matter what. I am also beyond blessed to have people in my life that love me and accept me for me. Flaws and all.

So if you are expecting perfection from me, I am afraid I can’t always deliver. I can, however, promise you that I will admit my mistakes, my flaws and my imperfections. I also know that to one little boy, he finds me perfect and never judges me because he knows that my love for him is built on a solid foundation of unconditional love.

So if you find yourself frustrated and irritated at not being perfect at something, realize we are all human. It is a part of life and try to work to make it better.

No one is perfect. Although we can be perfect for each other.

Keep Hope Alive!

Trust


Trust is something that I give easily. At least at first. I believe people. I am not naïve but I believe in “guilty until proven innocent.” I also give multiple chances to people. It can be considered a flaw but I see it as we all screw up and deserve another chance. I have hope for humans. Probably more than most.

When I love I don’t do it half-heartedly. I go all in. Many times I am disappointed or let down, but yet I still believe in people. I’m still a romantic at heart.

When I am done, I am done. Once I have been hurt over and over, I finally realize I can no longer be around someone who doesn’t respect me. At that point I remove them from my life. Sometimes I will respond to a text or email, but when said person has not changed, it is pointless.

Yet still, I sometimes have a soft spot in my heart for them. I realized it was because I didn’t want to have regrets. I wanted to find it in me of how I learned something from the experience or that even though I couldn’t be around them, maybe they weren’t that way with everyone.

Then I realize sometimes, I am deluding myself. I have to really look hard inside myself and admit to myself I was wrong. I made a huge mistake. I have regret. What’s even worse is when my mistake hurts someone else. It is unintentional but it happens. That hurts worse than when the original person hurt me.

I do not want to hurt anyone. I mean I have fantasized about hurting a few folks in my life, but it was due to their actions towards myself and others. For the most part, I just want toxic people out of my life. It doesn’t matter how much I care or cared for them. I want them gone.

If you hurt my family, I become a psycho who will hunt you down and your world will never be the same again, I can promise you. My therapist says it is because I believe and trust so openly and willingly in the majority of humans than when they go against my family, I flip out like I should have done when they were going against me and hurting me. I would say I am getting better. It is a slow process.

I still trust. I still believe. Yet I find myself wary of some. It is an intuition of sorts. For some people, I meet them, I get a good feeling and I automatically trust them. The majority of the time I am right on the money with my gut feelings. Other times I am so off I might as well be at the north pole because my compass was Wrong!

I have to say, there are people I believe in, even though trust may have been marred in some small way, if we can talk it out and acknowledge it, the trust remains.

I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have broken the trust of others, usually trying to protect them from something else. I have made mistakes and it makes me sick to thin about actually hurting someone I love. I work to rectify it.

Trust is a fine line to walk. Sometimes the lines blur and I may question myself. In the end I know I do what is right for me and mine.

I still believe.

Keep Hope Alive!