Staying positive and always keeping hope alive!


Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I’ve got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way! *Opening song from musical “Oklahoma!

Do you ever just feel like Finally you can exhale and that no matter what everything will be ok? Yes there are still challenges and battles to face. Such is life. But how your outlook is depends on how it affects you.

inhale let exhale go

I’m known for being somewhat cheery and positive the majority of the time. Scary and weird to me and especially to some of those who truly know me! But I really feel that having a positive outlook, Keep Hope Alive (OTB 2001), genuinely helps you keep positive even when you know you have things you would rather not deal with or situations you know you have no control over, whatever it may be.

I have to stop and really let it go (damn Disney and their songs haha) in order to be able to let myself be free to the stress. Not condoning actions I don’t believe in or supporting something that is against my own personal beliefs, but I have to let the anger go. Let the stress and worry go in order to move forward and overcome the situation or circumstance. Otherwise it will eat away at my core, my soul, and that isn’t healthy for me or for anyone else.

Friends often ask me how I can handle, be friends with, tolerate certain people. They wonder why I give more chances than I should. It’s because I want to believe people, no matter how many times have proven your wrong or hurt you, can change at least for that moment. And if they don’t how I can go from compassion to cold hearted in what seems the blink of an eye.

Everyone has their breaking point. Their line that they consider once you’ve crossed it, sadly it is done and you must then take measures you would rather not take but you cannot keep having a vicious cycle that repeatedly harms repeat itself.

It’s these circumstances, situations I have no control of that I have no choice, in my opinion to KEEP HOPE ALIVE and be positive for myself. I don’t see any other alternatives for me. It’s my choice of how I cope with life.

breathe and release that which does not serve you

Tomorrow is my boy’s 5th birthday. He truly is a miracle. When I think about where I was 5 years ago, the people in my life and the ones no longer here, it is bittersweet. But no matter what I know in my soul I am going to be positive not only today but this whole week. It’s the boy birthday celebration week in my world. My mindset and attitude directly affects him. I believe in letting him learn about life but I am also working to instill in him the sense of hope and peace within himself and learning how to find that own his own. The “self-soothing” techniques all people use.

Remember to breathe.

Remember to always keep hope alive.

“Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way!”

Stay fabulous!

stop smile breathe life is beautiful

9/11/01 – I can never forget


never forget 9 11 01

As I started to write my post I remembered the date. September 11, 2015.
It’s Friday. I usually write about happy Friday randomness or whatever strikes my fancy to let flow.
However, I can’t Not acknowledge what this date means to me. How my life and my perspective on life change that fateful day, September 11, 2001, as I am sure it did for countless others.
I have/do write in journals. I keep all of my journals from the past 15ish years close by me and read them randomly. Sometimes they call to me to re-read certain time periods or situations. I feel it is so I can reflect and maybe even learn from them. Or maybe I am to share them.
In January of 2001 I moved to California, specifically the Berkeley area. I lived with my then husband and several friends as it wasn’t cheap living out there, but it seemed so much more “free” in many ways than living in the south. I can’t explain it. I was 30 years old and felt like I needed a new adventure in my life. We had friends out there so why not just go? So we packed up our home, put it in storage and took a tiny trailer and our cat and moved to California. I have read and re-read that journal so many times the cover is starting to fall apart. So many experiences of life and seeing things through a different perspective. Also reading it now 14 years later still blows my mind. One of my favorite books I read that year was the “Tibetan Art of Parenting”. I was into trying to find out who I was and praying for a child. I was also writing but only in my journal. I was stepping outside of my comfort zone, trying new things, meeting new people.
Three days before the fateful events of 9/11/01 I had written in my journal about truly living life and that many things of this world were an illusion. How time is valuable but we don’t always notice it until there is a time limit placed on your life to force you to get on with things.
Direct excerpts from my journal 9/11/01 – please forgive the fragmented sentences:
“AM – west coast – the World Trade Center is no more. Part of the Pentagon has collapsed, terror attack on the U.S. – can’t even think of going into work. No one is. Always knowing your country wasn’t “secure” yet being told it was… I don’t like being right. It’s getting later, almost 11AM here, and nothing as of yet on the west coast. Will there be? Questions. Everyone is jumpy and edgy. News of joy over what happened to the US in Gaza. Now we know what it is like for them.
This has happened before, it will happen again unless we do something.
A dream fragment from being ripped awake this morning by roomie, “weird stuff going on I am sorry you need to get up”.
Flash of a plane, a man of maybe middle eastern decent screaming with “important brass& Showing the world.” Time wasn’t there.
Later – I finally talked to several friends and family on the east coast and everyone is freaked. Fragments of this day pass through my mind. This tragedy of Armageddon is bringing folks together. Over 10,000 dead they are saying… that is horror. Life continues but change has happened. I am drained. I have cried off and on all day. I cannot imagine what it is like for others. The death and destruction. The United States of American has been shaken to the core. I am freaked out, but not terrorized because I cannot let them have my faith, my soul. I am touched by the humanity shown all over the US. The fact we were “impenetrable” was just an illusion. Maybe this was needed. We are far from blemish free.”
Today I feel that no words can articulate how I feel yet I know that I can say 9/11/01 We will NEVER forget.
I know for me the course of my life changed. I know that my prayers and dreams of being a mother finally happened. I know that I was able to do the things in the following pages, “apologize to your parents, send letters and call friends and family and tell them you love them, never give up on your dreams, keep in touch with those you love, never forget 9/11/01 and always keep hope alive.” I know that my dream of writing is happening now. I know I can remind you to never forget.
Sending out thoughts of peace, hope and tranquility,
I remain the Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos

9 11 remember childs hand

Sitting in the dark


I love when I have plans and life changes them and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it!
I had gone about my day, actually being a bit more productive than planned, and went to karate with the boy as the storms rolled in.
We made it through karate and went home to a dark house. Yes the power was out. No big deal or so we thought. Several hours later my house is still dark and the storms blew over a while ago. Normally we don’t lose power but this is an anomaly and especially for this long. I am praying I can get my post completed before the computer dies and I can upload it via hotspot without using too much power as I have to get up early in the morning and need my alarm which is on my phone! I am going to plug my phone in and hope for the best with it charging during the night – keep hope alive!
The most entertaining part was the boy asking every few minutes, “can we turn the power back on so we can watch a movie?” No. No we can’t! We’ve been teaching him how a long time ago they didn’t have power at night and candlelight was the only light you had. Since he killed one flashlight already I think it may be sinking in that people actually survive living like this! Talking, reading and drawing by candlelight. Well we have allowed him another flashlight so he can draw but he was monitored!
Since I have a few challenges ahead I am cutting this one short.
I think I will enjoy the quite while it last.
Sometimes not being so plugged in has it advantages!
Have a fabulous day my friends!
Always keep hope alive!

Good, Bad and In-Between


I try so hard to write positive posts. I know that I often write some things that are not positive, but feelings and thoughts that I have and I know others have them too. Some of my feelings and thoughts are downright dark and not so pleasant.

I sat down in front of my computer with so many topics I have written down to write more on. However, today I got a disturbing phone call from my sister that has shaken me to my core. I had several conversations and experiences with others today that have definitely shaped the tone and feel of this one. So please bear with me.

Some people are truly good humans. They are fallible but for the overall, they are good.

Other people are just bad. They may try to be good. They will talk it, try to walk it but in the end they cannot pull it off. For whatever reason, they continue to choose the “dark side” of life and how they treat others.

Then the other group, the group I feel most are in, is a 50/50 combination of the two. Both good and bad with the consciousness of both.

I have issues with someone who consciously and repeatedly hurts others. Whether it begins intentionally or not, when you continue to harm others and lie about it, you are not a “good” person. I don’t know what drives these people to act this way. I have seen people from “good” families this way and others who learned it from the “family”. I have seen people from all socioeconomic classes, races and genders do this. It can’t be classified by “X”.

Equally I have seen people who are “good” who have no “reason to be” due to upbringing, life circumstance or what have you stay on the better path because it is who they are.

The combo group is the same. All walks of life, finances and backgrounds they are the ones who chose which way they want to go.

I know a man who is a father, son, husband, veteran, police officer and friend. He is truly a quality human being. He may get a bit loud, has tattoos, rides his hog and has a big truck, but is always the one to re-direct those wanting to fight, and to help keep the mood light when things turn a bit dark. Ahem. He has served this country and chose a career in law enforcement.

Recently he went riding his motorcycle with his friends while off duty. They stopped into a local bar to see some friends and had one beer. After a while, he left. In front of him was another vehicle and he could see the driver was having a hard time driving. He followed the vehicle to make sure the driver made it home. When the driver emerged, he saw it was a man and called out, “Hey man, are you ok?” He repeated himself several times and thought it was dark, he could hear the man wandering around making noises. Seconds later the man charged him from the dark. He began beating my friend in the face and head. He tried to gouge his eye out. Another man came out of the home and also began hitting him. He begged them to stop saying he only followed the guy home to make sure he was ok. He then made a fatal mistake. He said he was an off duty cop and he meant no harm. They men began searching for his weapon. They found it and fired into the air. One of the guys told him the next shot would kill him. He started fighting for his life. One guy swung the cycle helmet at my friend, he ducked, and the other guy was hit in the face. Enraged the man started going for his eyes again. He felt his nose break. He was able to get a finger in his mouth and bit down as hard as he could. His thoughts were, “well they will have my DNA on them if they kill me.”

He then passed out. When he came to, the police from that jurisdiction were there. They immediately had him do a field sobriety test. He passed and was asked to do more. He could not understand so he did and passed again after being beaten to the point of passing out. They asked if he had fired his weapon. He stated he did not, but one of the other guys did. My friend had a broken nose and cheek bone. His eye was so bad the doctors thought he may lose his sight. He had contusions, concussion and lacer actions all over his face and neck along with the breaks and bruising.

HE WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULT.

All news reports I have read gives his name, age, occupation, mentions he’s a vet and calls the other men “victims.”

When he passed out, the police arrived and “the victims” told them that he followed the one guy home, started screaming at him and attacked him. The other guy said when he came out to help he was hit in the face. One of them has a “horrible bite” from my friend who was “attacking him”. They said he fired his gun at them.

He is on paid leave while the “incident” is under investigation.

His statement was “lost” so it becomes the word of 2 men with “prior records” (DUI, assaults, thefts – you get the idea) against him. A 20 plus year law enforcement official and ex-military man who was the one who stopped the fights.

What in the hell is wrong with this world?

He can’t do the job he loves while he is under “investigation” and his name is being slandered while “bad” people are sucking up the press and playing the poor pitiful me police brutality card.

I know that when it gets into court and all evidence is in that he will be cleared.

But I feel such a pain in my heart for him while he waits this out. To think that some people feel he just changed and attacked unprovoked in and INSTANT and has never done this before or since makes me sick.

This is where I pray that those combo folks will choose the right side. Choose the good for his sake.

People who hurt other people because of who they are, what religion they are, whom they chose to lose or just because it’s all they know to do have some serious karma payback coming to them. They won’t be able to carry on this way for much longer because what you put out there will come back on you. I truly believe that.

I hope everyone can find it within themselves to choose the good. Please keep the darkness at bay.

This world needs more good now than ever.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Keep hope alive!

 

The day after a long weekend


Does it feel like Monday to anyone else?!

The running around, making sure all school supplies are actually in the care with you and make it into the school with the child. The looking for lost shoes, I know I put them all by the door last night but they are gone! The alarm mishap that allowed you an extra 30 minutes sleep has now given way to sheer panic to drop off kid and make it into work on time.

This is my kind of day!

The day after any long weekend or vacation to where you have to enter the real world once again always seems a bit daunting to me. I seem to think we need an extra day to recuperate from the long weekends. And not like I did before my boy was born! Those late night party sessions are a memory and my idea of a good time these days involves little movement and maybe a glass or four of an adult beverage. Well at least in my mind. The reality is more of an attempt to rest but I end up finding at least 7 projects in various stages of completion and since I have time I might as well try to finish 2. Sometimes I just leave the others and start a whole new project because nothing makes this OCD girl crazier than one more project on her plate to not finish!

Last night the boy got an early birthday present and I spent an hour oohing and ahhing over the new Marvel Hulk Smash remote toy. It’s loud, crazy and admittedly a very cool toy. The cat is not too fond of it but I am not fond of her running through the house sounding like a stampede of epic proportions so I figure it’s payback!

hulk smash

I also taught the boy what the flap in the front of his underwear was for, he now thinks that is a cool trick for pottying. Seriously.

My life is fascinating!

Now I sit writing my articles for my blog and ruminating on what needs to be done next.

I am sure I will remember what needs to be done while I am working or out and about today. It will be one of those “Aha, oh crap!” moments I am so familiar with.

But that’s all ok because we are making it through the week, now with Hulk on our side, and hoping everyone keeps their word on things to be done so we can pull this week off with minimal damage!

Welcome to my world!

I hope you all have a fabulous Tuesday and that we all make it through without the joys of jail or bad food!

Keep hope alive my friends!

 

Happy Labor Day!


happy labor day chic

Today is Labor Day and I truly hope that you all are getting to enjoy this national holiday.

In keeping with Labor Day, I am keeping this post short and sweet.

I plan to enjoy good food and good company.

I hope to not have to actually do too much labor on this day that acknowledges that everyone needs time off .

If you are stuck at work today I hope that you are at least getting some compensation and you have my thanks. So many still have to work no matter what the holiday. Soldiers, doctors, nurses, law enforcement and many others always give themselves no matter what the holiday and at great sacrifice to themselves and their families. To those keeping things running and thousands of others who can’t afford to take the day off, I thank you!

I hope that you all have a fabulous Labor Day 2015!

holiday brought by hard wk labor day

Keep Hope Alive for this Monday to be awesome and to have an amazing and productive week!

From the fabulously graceless Lady Mao

Do you believe in anything?


Do you believe in anything?

The definition of believe is “to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so”.

Do you have hope?

The definition of hope is “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best”.

In my mind, these words mingle together. If I believe in something or someone I have hope that the best outcome will happen.

The tricky part is some may feel that believing is stronger than hoping. I get that. I totally do.

For me though, having both belief and hope, is the best and strongest intermixing in my mind.

I love the two of them together for to me they seem to make it that much more real.

Neither words are “tangible” so to speak. But together they mean having faith, of putting all of yourself and you secret hopes and dreams all in the same basket and believing that it will all work out for the best possible outcome for my life. My motto “keep hope alive” is such a part of me as it gives me a renewed strength where I believe the best is still a reality.

Yes there can definitely be instances where you have hope, but you don’t believe or have faith in a situation so you hope for the best.

Or you believe in something or someone but know deep down that it won’t be as you had hoped it would be.

Faith is a bit different. The definitions “confidence or trust in a person or thing” and “belief that is not based on proof”.

All too often we toss out the terms “I believe you.” “I have hope.” I have faith in this situation when truly we don’t. I feel that it is something that for some is learned and even expected to be said. Or you say it so often you want it to be true, but again your gut tells you that it isn’t. And no one wants to suffer the heartache and depression of no longer having their faith, their belief and their hope pounded into the sand.

Which is why I always say Keep Hope Alive.

For me, I can never give up. I can never stop believing that better things, better people, better situation are out there for me and mine.

I have faith that I will find that happiness and peace I so desperately need.

I am seeing it now in my life.

I want to be cautious yet I feel this mystical pull telling me, yes, it is right and true. Run towards it and not away.

I have had my heart broken, my trust shattered, my faith questioned.

I have also picked myself up, dusted off and got back on the ride of life because I Believe in myself. I believe in others. I have hope and faith that not everyone is bitter and angry.

If the past few months have shown me anything, it has shown me to never lose faith. Never give up hope and never stop believing.

Because sometimes dreams and peace really do come. And I can’t spend my time discounting it because of past experiences. I have to believe in myself and have faith that walking down this path will not lead to heartache and destruction.

I know that I will lose friends and loved ones. This is life and it isn’t always pretty and it’s definitely not perfect. But when I find those special people that make me happy, give me butterflies, make me feel good inside about myself, I can’t not take a chance. Have a little faith. I can’t not keep hope alive.

For where would I be if I had no belief? No hope? No faith?

Sad and lonely and most likely in a deep, dark miasma of depression I am sure.

Not that I don’t visit the dark hallways of my mind. There are many and they are vast.

It makes me appreciate all of the beauty, joy and happiness I feel when something or someone I believe in proves me right and does not only for me and mine, but also themselves.

So try to have a little belief, hope and faith in your fellow humans. Try to see the world in a different perspective. Trust me, it can change your world!

Have a fabulous day!

 

And the award goes to…..


I have realized some people are trying so hard to win their very own Grammy.

They are so dramatic and over the top, I am convinced that they think they are going not for the Grammy, but the Oscars. Yes, Big Dreams of Delusion!

Frequently it seems there is something new that they have to tell you about.

From how you need to change something you do because they know how to do it better to how they are superior to you in some way. Or maybe all they did for you and how you owe them because they did something out of “kindness”.

They can charm even the most skeptical for a while into thinking they are ALL that and a bag of chips.

However, over a period of time, you come to see they can’t continue on with their act. Be it manic, alcohol, drugs or just plain crazy they cannot maintain the level of “normalcy” needed to pull off the “act” they are desperately trying to achieve.

These people will tell you, your friends, your family all the things they think they you want to hear. They will promise the moon and stars. Sometimes they even throw in promises of another galaxy to make themselves seem so perfect and worthy of praise.

When they can’t deliver on whatever they’ve promised, they will blame everyone and everything from the pope to tripping over the carpet that was laid 20 years ago. It is Not their fault, they’ve had troubles. They promise the moon this time and somewhat put a band aid on the problems so what happens behind the curtains is not caught on film.

It is at this point when I start watching their performance for what I like to call the “falling apart” part of the plot.

This is when you start noticing the edges of their life seems more frayed that was originally presented. Earlier it was pressed and neat. Everything was “in order” or on its way to being in order. They assure you over and over when you ask them about it. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to see here.

When I read I book, even if it’s awful, I have to read through until the end. Trust me it’s a brutal, self-torture OCD thing I am working to overcome!

Watching these scenes play out is like that.

I know it’s going to end poorly but I can’t help but hold out hope! Hope that this person will see the signs and make different choices.

I won’t read the last pages of a book to find out what happens and it seems in life I tend to hang on to watch the show. Even if you’ve seen the re-runs they try to pass off as new material.

I’ve worked with the mentally ill and with hospice, I have seen some truly weird things, but people who are not “diagnosed” or considered “normal” that act like this fascinate me.

I’ve learned to keep a safe distance so when they flip out, and they will, I hope to not become a casualty of their poor life performance.

I have been caught in the cross hairs and on the fringe and it isn’t pretty.

It can be quite painful if it is someone you truly care about.

But the ones who keep going on and on, the ones you have no choice but to remove yourself from for your own safety, are the ones that scare me a bit more.

Those people keep performing long after the movie is over. They have their own private performance in their minds. Those people can be dangerous.

Those who continue to try and “perfect” their lives by acting outraged someone called them on their B.S. and stood up to them. They call them names and say slanderous things about them. Carrying on and on about how they would never do something so horrible to someone and name off all the “good” things they have done.

Again adding to their resume of “good deeds” to share with another group when this one shuts down their performance due to their lack of acting skills.

I think they need an award for Worst Performance in certain categories of life!

Not to say I myself wouldn’t qualify for a few categories but I don’t think I would win the prize.

The reason is I believe, in my own everyone has one opinion, you have to own up to your bad performances. Admit when you did a shitty job. Take the criticism like an adult, make improvements, even – gasp – apologize when you do harm to others and Mean it.

That deserves a freaking award right there. The courage to admit when you are Wrong and mean it. To make it right however that may be.

But to those who keep on “acting”, I hate to tell you the award season is over!

For the rest of you, please keep being fabulous!

 

Does this post resonate with you? Tell me how you really feel!

 

 

 

 

 

“So Puzzling A Life” by Vicky Mowrer


I have been writing several personal pieces and of course for my blog, but I came across this piece “So Puzzling a life” by my dear, sweet soul sister, Vicky Lynn Mowrer written July 12. 2013. Also known as “Unreally Real” and “HemFoo” by many, Vicky was one of the most beautiful, tortured souls who would give the clothes off her back and last dollar to help a friend or loved one.

We met when I needed a roommate back in 2005 and put an ad on Craigslist of all places! She was the only one I spoke on the phone with and the only one who I allowed to visit. Of course we knew immediately upon meeting that we were destined to be “roommates” with a whole lot of family love thrown in. And we were for 4 years. Then I moved off, she moved, I had a child, and moved out. She wanted to move back to the south so it was an easy decision for us. My soul sister moved back in with me in May of 2013. Four short months later, she died in her sleep unexpectedly. My heart was shattered.

We had always both written poetry and short stories and shared them. I can’t recall who sent this to me again after her death, but I remember her sending it to me previously. We often talked of people seeing the “whole” of us, and how we hid so much of who we were and how we needed to trust more and love more and BE more. So with that I share a piece of Vicky and me with you all.

Please remember you are not alone, keep hope alive and you are fabulous.

“So Puzzling A Life”

I am a jig saw puzzle….

Turned mostly upside down.

Everyone knows bits of me, no one knows the whole.

Even an upside down puzzle, you can see kind of how the pieces fit, but with no picture to follow, how do you really know?

Worse yet, is when some are upside down, and some are right side up.

I want to be right side up again. Show the flaws, show the beautiful pieces.  Have those little tags of paper that don’t lay flat.  I want to be one of those puzzles glued back together and hung on a wall. To be admired even for all my traces, punches and turns.

All I need is for one person to see me clearly, understand and accept the broken reality that has been my life.

It’s a hard task, any puzzle, and variables such as upside down, half right up, would confound anyone. And when it’s a real life… unfathomable

But to know the solution to the problem is to know me, all of me, from the time I was born, to the me I am now, and accept that life is more about survival than relationships. I survived by living out of dumpsters when I was a teen. I survived as an adult by pretending to fit into normal mores… I survive now by asking for help.

Hello Monday


hello monday

Hello Monday my old friend.

Good to see you once again.

Can’t say it’s always great, but I always know I can count on you.

You never let me down, showing up week after week.

Sometimes I despise you, however I realized it isn’t the day, but the thought of beginning a new week.

Like if I didn’t have to face Monday sometimes I could put off the inevitable.

Right and I wave my magic wand and everything turns out hunkey dorey!

Oh how I wish!

If only life were so easy.

If only I could leave my responsibilities and troubles at the garden gate and go on with my day!

But alas, I must move forward and face my challenges and fears.

I must remember to hold my head high and never give up.

I must always remember to keep hope alive!