my thoughts

Jigsaw reflection

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

For the record I am trying so hard to keep hope alive. I am trying like hell to be positive. It isn’t easy.

This week was harder than I thought it would be. I am trying to let the light override the darkness in my mind. I feel like I am letting people down, those I love most because I feel like I am going in 50 directions and only maybe getting one thing done out of 50. I know there are thing I could do to make my life better. I am working on it truly I am. I was hoping to be able to write and care for others solely, however I am realizing right now that is not possible. So

I have set out to get a “real job” with more income until I can make more doing what I love. And it is a slippery slope. Being a single mother is hard. Yes I have help, yes I have people who love me more than anything and are willing to pitch in financially and with their time to help. I love them for it and I am so grateful. But I have this built in defect that says I need to be the One who takes care of everything. It isn’t rational and at this point in my life certainly not possible but I am trying. I also know I am his main “there” parent and it is a load I gladly carry.

Once upon a time I had a “real job” that “paid good with benefit”. I went in and gave it my all every day. I left feeling dirty and miserable due to the conditions at the office but I wasn’t stopping because I have responsibilities, a child to raise and life to life. If I want to be able to visit my family and friends I didn’t want finances to be the reason I couldn’t go. When I moved from TN to AL I was able to transfer to a sister company. The pay was better, but the conditions were a bit challenging. Determined I made it work. I had heard the whisperings, read the articles and knew our industry was in deep doo doo. I was assured repeatedly that they had never laid folk off and they weren’t starting now. I had a small savings account which I had put in an interest bearing account. Then I got laid off. Somewhat shell shocked I took the news well and even went back to make sure my workload was taken care of and my customers were transferred over to someone who would work with them.

I was able to draw unemployment for 6 months but after that I have been on my own so to speak. I am beyond blessed to have a fabulous mama, I mean, where else would I get the fabulous from? She does more for me that I would like but I appreciate more than she knows. We don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other.

I am feeling a bit of nostalgia and longing for those that have left this astral plane far too soon. Those who I have always turned to when I was feeling this way. Sometimes I still hear their voices when I scream out into the universe. They always tell me to never give up. I can feel their love.

Last night was particularly hard because it was the 2nd anniversary of my Vicky’s passing. I went through most of my day pretty good, found out my brother, sister-in-law and nephew were coming to dinner so that was good. I picked up another client so that is happy news. Dinner was great, children babbling, different conversations and family time. After the dishes were done, the house was picked up and guests were gone I guess it hit me hard. I was using an excuse about something else, so I could be angry, but I think one of the true reason for my emotions was I still feel the loss 2 years later of Vicky’s unexpected death.

It was so surreal. In some ways, I feel like it was a bad nightmare that couldn’t have really happened. We had planned to take the boy to Chuck E. Cheese since we still had tons of tokens left over from his birthday party and we both had the day off. Dinner with friends would wrap up our weekend and Monday was to start a new week. We had both been through so much and it seemed like life was getting back on track. But when the boy went into her room that morning, came out and said she was sleeping and it was cold in her room I knew. Trying to not look as shaken as I felt I went quietly into her room and saw her laying on the bed. Leaned over like she fell asleep while on her computer with her glasses still on, peaceful looking. But I knew. I touched her leg and it was all I could do to keep from screaming out. I called my other “sister” and said something to the effect of get over here ASAP I am calling 911 because I was pretty sure Vicky was dead. She arrived moments with the police and ambulance and took over the care of the boy. It only took 10 minutes to clear me as a “suspect” and once the boy was gone and I could talk freely, we realized that she had most likely had a heart attack and just died. No drugs or foul play she just died. She was 47. She had just started a new job, met a new guy and was making friends in the city. She had started over again but was happy for the first time in a long time.

I realize we never know how long we have. We never know when we are talking to someone that it could be the last time. If I had known with her I know it would have been more than “Do you need anything from Walmart? Ok no? I love you sister”. I would have hugged her and told her again how proud I was of her and how thankful I was to share a portion of this wild ride of life with her.

Whew talk about cathartic! It may sound crazy but I feel better! Writing down my feelings and sharing them helps me more than I could have ever imagined.

I guess now I will go and work on finding a real job… and writing a few articles! You never know when you will get that break you have worked so hard for.

Know you aren’t alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Know that some days are going to completely suck and that’s ok. There will be better days.

I do hope you all have a fabulous day my friends!

*I dedicate this post to my “sister” Vicky and my “little sister” Woocy. And of course my amazing mama. Thank you all for believing in me and putting up with my madness!

Have you ever had a craptastic day emotionally? How do you handle it? Tell me, I’m listening.

 

 

Beginning the jigsaw of who I am

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

I am trying really, really hard to not censor myself in my writings. To be totally and brutally honest the fabulously graceless human that I am. To show the human side of life through my blogs. A jigsaw puzzle of who I am.

In my writings, as in my life, there are bits and pieces of me. Some are as a daughter, sister, mother, friend, niece, aunt, co-worker, volunteer, writer, lover, stranger, fighter for others, animal lover… so many different parts yet all part of a whole human. Many have seen all aspects, others only portions. And then there are those that can only speculate about who I am based on small portions of “data”. Through so many threads I am consistent in being who I am no matter the circumstances. It isn’t as hard as it once was. Maybe it’s age or becoming a parent but I seem to be seen consistently by people more now that I was in the past.

The “mask” of being polite and civil slips more. Oftentimes I no longer even think to put it on.

Why not let people see me for who I truly am? Why not be me?

Brad Paisley has a song “So much cooler online” or something similar. I get it sort of. I understand and relate to role playing, but becoming someone I am not or acting as if I am someone I am not doesn’t work for me.

My passions are my child, family, friends, writings, taking care of others, the outdoors, reading, knitting, listening to music, enjoying the silence, gazing at the stars, watching movies… I can list the “norm” with the rest of the folks. I also love the human psyche, nearly all things medical (either from personal experience or learning about things through others), horror movies, those considered “psycho” (Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and the like), cleaning and organizing… things a bit odder but still acceptable to a degree.

When I was younger I was considered a “rebel”. I was friends with everyone, no matter their skin color, their choice in who they dated or their social/financial status. I was taught people are people. Everyone poops. Just because you have a gold toilet or someone to wipe your butt doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else.

Part of my “rebel” status came because of that. Another part was I pushed the boundaries. I stayed up late, snuck out and did a few things that made my parents cringe including wearing my hair purple for many years.

It’s taken life and therapy to realize that I wasn’t really a rebel but just another human trying to find their place in this world. To be accepted and loved for who I am no matter what. Not for good grades, how I dress, talk, go to church, eat or how much money I have. It amazes me now how certain things play into whether you are considered a “good and/or productive” person you are. How in 2015 people still judge you on who your friends are, how much your income is and your zip code along with several other factors. I still don’t “GET” why that should matter if the person is quality and would give the shirt off their back to help others. If the person being judged doesn’t have a “job” that is considered “acceptable” yet they volunteer with seniors, children and/or animals on a regular basis but they are judged “not worthy” because of the beat up car they drive and their second hand clothes.

I personally love those moments where someone is judging someone, a stranger, (this is an actual conversation I had with a stranger) regarding their wardrobe choice, a bit threadbare but not inappropriate. The stranger says to me, “Would you look at her? She looks like she stole that outfit at a thrift store! Who could wear some stranger’s clothing?! Look at you in your nice skirt and top, you seem like a respectful young woman.” To which I replied, “It looks well worn, she may not be able to afford new clothes. You like my outfit? Thanks so much I got it at the thrift store last week on discount…$7 for the whole outfit barely worn! Of course I washed it and being a single mom and all I have to cut corners when I can! But then I thrifted before my child was born and they grow so fast!” She was backing away pretty quickly from me by this point. “You mean you are judging someone based on their clothing and we are in Target?! I usually come in here in my comfy clothes but I just got off work. It must be nice to be able to have the time to dress up every time you go out!” By this time a crowd had gathered and the lady was beet red. She stammered. “No! I wasn’t judging I just mean it I wouldn’t wear it out it doesn’t work for me. And your outfit is lovely. I have to go!” And she ran away! Be careful who you “confide” in when bashing others. I won’t go there with you. Even if they are drunk, wearing a prom dress and tiara, I would most likely say, “Girl you rock that dress we all know you can’t get many uses out of one and even on discount they ain’t cheap!” Why not pick someone up instead of tearing them down?

Like with friendships or relationships. You come to a point where you realize that you and someone are no longer compatible. You no longer can tolerate the same old jokes, same old problems and same old general bitchiness so you work to find a way to remove the negativity from your life. You hope for the best, that somewhere down the road they will find their sanity and their humanity again, but for now, you can’t be around them all the time anymore. Or maybe you can’t be around them at all. That usually hurts the most. I had a friend that she genuinely became a different person. There were several of us that hung out together but I was the “closest” so I had to step up and say basically that we weren’t going to follow her down the rabbit hole. Gone are the 3:00 AM I need help calls, you’ve used up all of those cards plus a few more. We love you and are here to help you but aren’t going to enable you anymore. She disappeared for about 6 months and resurfaced a bit worn but better for the ride. She thanked us. Other times I never hear from people again which is sad.

I give too many chances and I keep hope alive longer than I should at times. I know I have been taken advantage of because I am a “nice person”. It still baffles me that I can do everything in my power to help some people and they still say I did nothing or I am a horrible person. I say go ahead and spread your petty little lies because karma comes back around and the people who really want to know me, will find out who I really am. Then it is noted that I am not this mean and cruel person but the person who tried to make it look that way is now looking worse than how they tried to make me look.

I am by NO definition of a saint. Lord knows I have plenty of flaws and have no problem admitting them. In fact, I think it somewhat irritates people that I am that way. It’s hard to start drama when your lead player won’t follow the script!

I have rambled long enough. This should be a nice start. A place for the borders, my edges if you will.

I hope you all have a fantastic Tuesday my fabulous friends.

Always remember to keep hope alive!

 

 

 

Sometimes I just don’t want to be an adult

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

i miss being a kid hair

I don’t feel like being an adult today. I wish someone could take over all of the responsibilities I have for just one day. Think about it. How it would feel to have no worries, be carefree, have everything taken care of and you don’t have to worry about a thing. I have no idea because I don’t think I could stop my mind or life from happening.

We go about our lives and sometimes we let our hair down and get crazy but we have to jump back on the adult train eventually. Sometimes it seems to take longer than others to get on board. Some people think they can “play adult” in certain areas and let others handle their responsibilities in others. Personally I can’t do that. My brain and soul won’t let me do it. I acknowledge each and every time someone else takes care of my business – be it with my finances, my child, my life – it does not matter I can’t “forget” someone else did something for me and when I can give back in whatever way is possible I will. I also thank them because I learned before I was an adult that when someone helps you that you should be grateful. Life isn’t yours to demand and take from others. Karma will slap you upside the head for that. Trust me!

Ahhh but to be carefree and child-like in life for a whole day and not worry… I think, I hope, I believe that that is possible.

carfree girl

The irony is it has to be planned, not spontaneous. I mean who else is going to make sure bills are paid, there is money in the bank for random “I want ice cream!” moments surely to come with being care free. A driver will be needed as will making sure the vehicle is working and ready for adventures if needed. I will need someone to cook, clean up (because honestly I can’t stand to see it out with all of my other fun stuff knowing it’s there waiting for me later). If I am really lucky there will be someone to make all those decisions for me and get me ready to go! Being a kid can be hard at time but you don’t realize how awesome it is until you’re an adult. You want to grow up. Once you grow up sometimes you want it back!

adult show your math

Can’t I be a kid for a day please? Just a 24 hour period where I can enjoy with no repercussions would be amazing!

But I can certainly dream.

And I always keep hope alive!

Have a fabulous day!

Fabulous Friday readying for weekend fun

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

b chaos

Its Friday my fabulously graceless friends!

No matter what happens I am keeping hope alive today, because for me and mine it’s the day the boys “aunties” come from TN & GA, the birthday party weekend where we get to see friends and family, make new friends and have fun.

We have been celebrating all week more or less.

It has not been a constant barrage of gifts because this crazy mama isn’t made of money, and even if I was I wouldn’t give the boy gifts all the time as he gets plenty of “surprises” in the off season when it isn’t a birthday or holiday. He realizes excess now and will go, “Oh yeah, I forgot I have all those toys, I am going to play with my Ninja Turtles” or whatever it is he wants to play with. I encourage him to be creative and not watch as much TV, it’s pretty much a split on who wins that one depending on time frames and other random things but I know he has a wickedly funny imagination. He “pretends” a lot. A costume that is one thing can often become something else in his fascinating mind. He got a TMNT costume for his birthday, it a little big, but I have a feeling things are going to get a bit more ninja like for a while around the house.

Did I mention his “aunties” are coming?! This is one of those things I’m excited about because they are my “sisters” and when they boy was born, have been there every step of the way for both of us. Tonight the boy will get to enjoy his mommy and aunties laughing hysterically and having fun. Saturday will be the night we get to stay up late since his party is in the morning. What was I thinking again? Oh yeah get it done and hang out with friends and of course, football! Roll Tide! 

So I am keeping this post short and sweet as this crazy mama needs here energy!

I hope that everyone has a fabulous Friday and an absolutely splendid weekend!

b ninja

 

 

I ended up watching the Republican Presidential Debates – just wow

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

So I chose to watch some of the Republican Presidential debate. Oh wow. It is a scary thing to view but there seems to be a common thread, they don’t like Hillary Clinton or too many members of the Democratic Party!

Since Fabulously Gracelessness is not wanting to get into a political debate or have folk bash me let me say I am just doing my research for the upcoming elections.

I am watching “the weeding” earlier than I think I have watched in a long time. I am totally fascinated. Of course I had to share my thoughts and observations.

I am the first to admit I do not know all the facts about everything that is going on in this world, nor all of the players who are running for the office of the President of the United States.

I do try to read up and learn more about world issues as well as problems and issues in our own country and my home state.

Watching the debate it is interesting to see how these men and the one woman respect each other, or not. They all cut each other off at times but how it is done and the words they use is different depending who they are addressing, snubbing or if they agree with another candidate, how they respond to them. Their body language and eye contact speaks volume of the person inside. It’s entertaining to see some of them gang up on others. Like they will leap frog over one, a wolf in sheep’s clothing agreeing, smiling, talking nice before they attempt their aggression and sparring amongst themselves. I enjoy watching the ones who can shut the others ones down. I like hearing the ones who truly know what is going on and seem to be respectful to those they are running against.

Of course before I write anything I have to fact check and do a bit of research. So I pulled up the website 2016.republican-candidates.org and the site had crashed. Seriously, so many people were looking it up apparently the site couldn’t handle the traffic, so I went to my trusty Wikipedia. I looked up the people who are running on the republican side, they were on the TV so it’s not like I am disregarding the Democratic Party candidates they were just not on at the moment. After reading about them and watching tonight I have a feeling I will be keeping a close eye on this election.

It’s fascinating to see how some people truly think they have a chance. For some of them I would love to see them get closer, if nothing else to be able to prove their worth or show their true colors. While others I feel are wasting time and shoving out people who may have otherwise had a shot.

I have laughed out loud at some and shouted at others. Seriously I wonder what medication a few were on. My 5 year old tells stories I can follow better than some of the folks running for our country’s highest office. At least follow the path from point A to point B. At first I thought it was me not understanding the topic, however the looks of the other candidates and the commentator made me feel better about that person having no idea what they were talking about.

We live in a scary world. I am raising my child in this world. I was enchanted by politics in my younger years, but was also somewhat rebellious citing “my vote doesn’t count”. I also did not moan and complain about our President like a lot of people did. I still participated in the states and communities lived in but when it came to national matters, I stayed quiet. I have voted in the last 4 elections and still don’t feel like my vote “matters” as much but I feel like I have done something more to help better society by raising my voice and saying “this is my opinion and this person is the closest match to how I feel about things.” Sadly I do feel like I can only chose the lesser of the two evils.

I remember how I would get so excited with the possibilities of the candidates and then when the final election came to pass I felt cheated. Even if the person I voted for (whether locally or nationally) won, I still felt like the ones who would have done a better job were shut out and shut down early on.

2 of the candidates are in my age bracket. That was such a sobering moment for me I actually had a few sips of an adult beverage!

I know I am an adult and I know that this is a possibility but to see it and hear it from the mouths of my generation kind of put a different perspective on things for me.

I have been more active in my community and state in a broader capacity than I ever was before. Maybe it’s my age or the fact I now have a child who will be living in the world we help mold, I don’t know but it scares the hell out of me. I now understand how my parents and grandparents felt and why it could get so volatile in conversations between the Democrats and Republicans in my family.

When in conversations with people I tread very, very lightly on the topic of politics and religion. I have seen first-hand how innocent comments can start heated debates. I have seen people who were friends look at each other with complete disgust due to their opinions and beliefs. It’s just as bad as Alabama and Auburn football feuds but on a bigger scale.

We ALL have different opinions, beliefs and feelings. Some are more personal than others. The problem is we forget our manners, as do politicians, and begin the judging and mudslinging more suited to high school than running for the office of President of the United States.

Maybe as I age I am more cynical but I am not sure that is it.

I truly do have hope. I continue my motto of Keep Hope Alive.

Sometimes hope is all we have.

I am sure I will have a few more thoughts on these topics as the elections continue.

I will keep watching the “weeding” following up to the primaries. It is always interesting and entertaining. Also a bit scary.

Keep Hope Alive!

Have a wonderfully fabulous day my graceless friends.

No control

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I realize I have no control.

No control over the weather nor the traffic. I have no control over the actions of others.

I delude myself into thinking I have control of my actions and words.

I have a pretty mask but sometimes it slips.

Falls right off and I don’t even realize it and keep going wondering why folks are looking at me all strange. It is within that moment that I realized the mask has dropped and my innerlogue has strolled out through my face. My mind races to catch up to the last few minutes of life. What did I say, do or how badly did I react to what was being said? The majority of the time I am fairly good at controlling how I react, especially in public. During a crisis or situation I feel like for the most part I handle myself well. Even in small groups with people when something is said or done by others that shocks me or angers me, the majority of the time I can keep my cool.

Yesterday I was with my client in her car, running errands and the battery died when I went to get the car ready for us to go to our last stops. It could be we had them on and forgot they were on and it drained the battery, but we will just go with the battery died.

I had a schedule to keep and was trying to field calls and texts for business and from friends and family. When I am with clients I try to not answer my phone or texts. My time is with them. However, sometimes I have to take a call or return a text. We were already past our standard hours so I took a few calls and responded to texts. For a bit over an hour we waited for the service to come but finally a good Samaritan showed up and got the car started. We had 3 more errands before I could take her home, pick up my boy and meet my friend who had come to visit from NA (Northern Alabama… for those who understand LA is Lower Alabama, see humor in the spaces!) I was flying through those errands like Andretti because I don’t like to be late in picking up the boy no matter how later the center is open and I thought I would be done with my client by 2 or 3 PM and it was going on 4 when we finally got juice back in the car.

And no, I didn’t turn it off at any stop after it was restarted due to fearing I would get stuck again & I couldn’t afford to be any later! I had lost control due to no doing of my own. My client remarked how calm I was and she was more worried than I was. No, I don’t think so. I just don’t show it because I wear the mask of calmness. I have been in enough situations in my life that flipping out on the outside doesn’t always go so well. Inside I am Freaking Out Completely but you do not see it. Sometimes those who know me know I am freaking out but handle it well.

Other times it falls out.

I was so fortunate that the fall out happened with my friend and she understands oh so well my maotic mind and erratic thoughts. It’s like I get with certain people and I know I make absolutely no sense with the word vomit I emit because I know I don’t need a filter. And chances are good they won’t be rushing me to the nearest psych unit to be “checked out.” I’m safe so to speak.

I don’t mean to put a mask on, I truly don’t.

I go through most of my life pretty much uncensored and unfiltered. I also have to censor and filter depending on who I am with. My child, my family and some friends I do not want to “offend”, shock or have them see that side of me. The side that isn’t always pretty. The one that doesn’t have control.

I have realized no one has control. No matter how hard they try, how regimented, organized and meticulous they are, life happens on life’s terms.

Most close to me have seen behind the mask. The loss of control. It even happens in public on occasion.

I don’t really “lose my mind” and flip out on folks. Not much anyway and I’m not a violent person really… other than if you mess with my kid, family, friends or sometimes in traffic if I don’t have the boy I will let words fly. But no violence.

I don’t get into screaming at folks to get my point across, so losing it on someone would involve words, maybe cutting or harsh, but not physically.

I realize I have no control.

I am getting better with it. Accepting it. Learning from it. Embracing it.

And I always Keep Hope Alive.

Have a fabulous Wednesday My Graceless Friends!

 

 

 

Good, Bad and In-Between

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I try so hard to write positive posts. I know that I often write some things that are not positive, but feelings and thoughts that I have and I know others have them too. Some of my feelings and thoughts are downright dark and not so pleasant.

I sat down in front of my computer with so many topics I have written down to write more on. However, today I got a disturbing phone call from my sister that has shaken me to my core. I had several conversations and experiences with others today that have definitely shaped the tone and feel of this one. So please bear with me.

Some people are truly good humans. They are fallible but for the overall, they are good.

Other people are just bad. They may try to be good. They will talk it, try to walk it but in the end they cannot pull it off. For whatever reason, they continue to choose the “dark side” of life and how they treat others.

Then the other group, the group I feel most are in, is a 50/50 combination of the two. Both good and bad with the consciousness of both.

I have issues with someone who consciously and repeatedly hurts others. Whether it begins intentionally or not, when you continue to harm others and lie about it, you are not a “good” person. I don’t know what drives these people to act this way. I have seen people from “good” families this way and others who learned it from the “family”. I have seen people from all socioeconomic classes, races and genders do this. It can’t be classified by “X”.

Equally I have seen people who are “good” who have no “reason to be” due to upbringing, life circumstance or what have you stay on the better path because it is who they are.

The combo group is the same. All walks of life, finances and backgrounds they are the ones who chose which way they want to go.

I know a man who is a father, son, husband, veteran, police officer and friend. He is truly a quality human being. He may get a bit loud, has tattoos, rides his hog and has a big truck, but is always the one to re-direct those wanting to fight, and to help keep the mood light when things turn a bit dark. Ahem. He has served this country and chose a career in law enforcement.

Recently he went riding his motorcycle with his friends while off duty. They stopped into a local bar to see some friends and had one beer. After a while, he left. In front of him was another vehicle and he could see the driver was having a hard time driving. He followed the vehicle to make sure the driver made it home. When the driver emerged, he saw it was a man and called out, “Hey man, are you ok?” He repeated himself several times and thought it was dark, he could hear the man wandering around making noises. Seconds later the man charged him from the dark. He began beating my friend in the face and head. He tried to gouge his eye out. Another man came out of the home and also began hitting him. He begged them to stop saying he only followed the guy home to make sure he was ok. He then made a fatal mistake. He said he was an off duty cop and he meant no harm. They men began searching for his weapon. They found it and fired into the air. One of the guys told him the next shot would kill him. He started fighting for his life. One guy swung the cycle helmet at my friend, he ducked, and the other guy was hit in the face. Enraged the man started going for his eyes again. He felt his nose break. He was able to get a finger in his mouth and bit down as hard as he could. His thoughts were, “well they will have my DNA on them if they kill me.”

He then passed out. When he came to, the police from that jurisdiction were there. They immediately had him do a field sobriety test. He passed and was asked to do more. He could not understand so he did and passed again after being beaten to the point of passing out. They asked if he had fired his weapon. He stated he did not, but one of the other guys did. My friend had a broken nose and cheek bone. His eye was so bad the doctors thought he may lose his sight. He had contusions, concussion and lacer actions all over his face and neck along with the breaks and bruising.

HE WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULT.

All news reports I have read gives his name, age, occupation, mentions he’s a vet and calls the other men “victims.”

When he passed out, the police arrived and “the victims” told them that he followed the one guy home, started screaming at him and attacked him. The other guy said when he came out to help he was hit in the face. One of them has a “horrible bite” from my friend who was “attacking him”. They said he fired his gun at them.

He is on paid leave while the “incident” is under investigation.

His statement was “lost” so it becomes the word of 2 men with “prior records” (DUI, assaults, thefts – you get the idea) against him. A 20 plus year law enforcement official and ex-military man who was the one who stopped the fights.

What in the hell is wrong with this world?

He can’t do the job he loves while he is under “investigation” and his name is being slandered while “bad” people are sucking up the press and playing the poor pitiful me police brutality card.

I know that when it gets into court and all evidence is in that he will be cleared.

But I feel such a pain in my heart for him while he waits this out. To think that some people feel he just changed and attacked unprovoked in and INSTANT and has never done this before or since makes me sick.

This is where I pray that those combo folks will choose the right side. Choose the good for his sake.

People who hurt other people because of who they are, what religion they are, whom they chose to lose or just because it’s all they know to do have some serious karma payback coming to them. They won’t be able to carry on this way for much longer because what you put out there will come back on you. I truly believe that.

I hope everyone can find it within themselves to choose the good. Please keep the darkness at bay.

This world needs more good now than ever.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Keep hope alive!

 

Do you believe in anything?

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

Do you believe in anything?

The definition of believe is “to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so”.

Do you have hope?

The definition of hope is “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best”.

In my mind, these words mingle together. If I believe in something or someone I have hope that the best outcome will happen.

The tricky part is some may feel that believing is stronger than hoping. I get that. I totally do.

For me though, having both belief and hope, is the best and strongest intermixing in my mind.

I love the two of them together for to me they seem to make it that much more real.

Neither words are “tangible” so to speak. But together they mean having faith, of putting all of yourself and you secret hopes and dreams all in the same basket and believing that it will all work out for the best possible outcome for my life. My motto “keep hope alive” is such a part of me as it gives me a renewed strength where I believe the best is still a reality.

Yes there can definitely be instances where you have hope, but you don’t believe or have faith in a situation so you hope for the best.

Or you believe in something or someone but know deep down that it won’t be as you had hoped it would be.

Faith is a bit different. The definitions “confidence or trust in a person or thing” and “belief that is not based on proof”.

All too often we toss out the terms “I believe you.” “I have hope.” I have faith in this situation when truly we don’t. I feel that it is something that for some is learned and even expected to be said. Or you say it so often you want it to be true, but again your gut tells you that it isn’t. And no one wants to suffer the heartache and depression of no longer having their faith, their belief and their hope pounded into the sand.

Which is why I always say Keep Hope Alive.

For me, I can never give up. I can never stop believing that better things, better people, better situation are out there for me and mine.

I have faith that I will find that happiness and peace I so desperately need.

I am seeing it now in my life.

I want to be cautious yet I feel this mystical pull telling me, yes, it is right and true. Run towards it and not away.

I have had my heart broken, my trust shattered, my faith questioned.

I have also picked myself up, dusted off and got back on the ride of life because I Believe in myself. I believe in others. I have hope and faith that not everyone is bitter and angry.

If the past few months have shown me anything, it has shown me to never lose faith. Never give up hope and never stop believing.

Because sometimes dreams and peace really do come. And I can’t spend my time discounting it because of past experiences. I have to believe in myself and have faith that walking down this path will not lead to heartache and destruction.

I know that I will lose friends and loved ones. This is life and it isn’t always pretty and it’s definitely not perfect. But when I find those special people that make me happy, give me butterflies, make me feel good inside about myself, I can’t not take a chance. Have a little faith. I can’t not keep hope alive.

For where would I be if I had no belief? No hope? No faith?

Sad and lonely and most likely in a deep, dark miasma of depression I am sure.

Not that I don’t visit the dark hallways of my mind. There are many and they are vast.

It makes me appreciate all of the beauty, joy and happiness I feel when something or someone I believe in proves me right and does not only for me and mine, but also themselves.

So try to have a little belief, hope and faith in your fellow humans. Try to see the world in a different perspective. Trust me, it can change your world!

Have a fabulous day!

 

Writing a blog can be a dangerous thing!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Writing a blog can be a dangerous thing.

I have always written since I was a little girl and kept a diary. I have written in journals, short stories, articles, essays, poems – you get the idea.

Oftentimes when I am writing a post I just write and don’t always think about how it is taken on the other end. I mean it is my blog and my thoughts. I try not to offend too badly.

I’ve been contacted by some people asking if I was writing about specific people or why I wrote about them because “they knew” that I was.

It isn’t about “you”. That’s why it’s called FabulousGracelessness.

Writing and maintaining a public blog is something I always wanted to do but wasn’t sure if I could.

I knew I could write. I write and get paid when I can and I write letters and poems and of course in my journal. I have been published, a small publication in the National Library of Poetry, but still published. I’ve written articles as a ghostwriter and for organizations where my name was actually listed as the author.

I have found in writing a blog I love the challenge I set for myself to write one post a day. I love stretching my mind to find things to write about and pulling from my mind, my thoughts and opinions.

I have also learned friends and family will tell me “don’t post this on your blog, it’s personal.” I completely respect that. I do. For the most part, I honor their wishes. I do end up writing about them but never names, places or any pertinent information about them.

So many of my life situations I find hysterically funny or completely fascinating and I want to share it.

But I also censor myself.

Because if I truly said everything that was on my mind, in my thoughts and heart I would be in a level of hell I do not want to venture through.

I do put a large part of my life “out there for anyone to see.”

Judge me as you will, but don’t forget the saying “Judge not lest ye be judged” and “he/she that is without sin cast the first stone.” *Please see my post “judge me” to see how I really feel!. https://fabulousgracelessness.com/2015/07/28/judge-me/

Believe me when I say I keep a lot to myself. Literally. I have my written journals and electronic writings, but if I don’t write things, I feel like I will fester up from the inside and explode. I sometimes feel I would lose my mind if I didn’t write it out.

There will always be critics and haters. There will always be those who think they know more about me than I do. Those people are amusing and also quite annoying.

There are also folks out there who genuinely enjoy my writings and ramblings and to y’all I say THANK YOU!

Thank You for allowing me to live my dream of writing and knowing others read, comment and sometimes even enjoy! If I am truly blessed, they will take something positive away or know they aren’t alone in their feelings and beliefs.

That is the best feeling of knowing that you made someone’s day a little brighter or helped a complete stranger with your words.

So I continue to write and to share.

I can’t not do it.

But know, it’s not about “you”, it’s about ME getting my thoughts and feelings Out.

Was that clear enough? If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

As for the rest of you I truly hope you enjoy getting a glimpse of this maotic (that’s mayhem and chaos all together) mind of mine!

Hence why I say, writing a blog can be a dangerous thing. Good thing I like a bit of danger!

Here’s to Keep Hope Alive and following your dreams!

Have a fantastically fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

TGIF?! Don’t Panic!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

It’s here! It’s here! Friday is finally here!

I hope you find a bit of happiness no matter what your week was like.

We all go through tough weeks and tough times.

We have to remember to keep hope alive!

Take for instance the fact that I am trying to not completely freak out over my main computer showing me the black screen of death… that I can’t get to my files and photos nearly sends me over the edge, but I have been assured it can be “recovered” therefore I will believe.

I mean I am writing on my old, old computer that was finally restored and I thought I would never be able to use again! That is proof in and of itself miracles can happen! (And to never let your child around electronics with milk!)

So I will squeak through my writing this weekend with my old school laptops and with hopes and prayers my newer model can be repaired and all the data retrieved.

Last Friday I was so removed from technology (and had a fabulous photo to go with this post but alas it is living in the black death for now with all my photos on my other computer) and I couldn’t be happier.

I do miss it though. Both the gathering of friends in the valley and the technology!

I am also finding a balance between having a life and being tied to electronic devices!

I hope you can get out and soak up a bit of vitamin D, if it isn’t 7th ring hot and you can breathe, and enjoy the day!

I hope you can find some fun and maybe a spot of peace if needed.

I am never giving up hope!

I hope you all have a fabulous and wonderful Friday!